Almost Doesn't Count
by Mrs.Robward
Summary: Bella is a family attorney and Edward seeks her help. Friendship abounds, maybe more? AH, Canon Couples **Complete**
1. Ch 1, Bella

****Not mine, it all belongs to YOUKNOWWHO****

**Special thanks to Becky_Boodles & Smutty for pre reading & beta-ing my mess. **

**Shout out to LovesHerRomeo for giving me her two cents about it! **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

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**~*X*~**

_Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, _

_as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires. _

_  
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld _

**~*X*~**

The window seat was mine. I loathed having to sit in the aisle. I needed the visual stimulation of the outside world on my daily commute. Why I still rode this train day after day was a bit of a mystery. I guess I enjoyed self punishment. That and I was cheap.

I had been working in Seattle at the same law firm for almost two years. I tried practicing for a year in Forks near Mom and Dad, but to no avail. There wasn't a big enough client base in the small town, plus living near them any longer would have pushed me over the edge.

After being hired, much to my surprise, at Whitlock & Associates, I sold my vintage truck and moved. I rented a small loft apartment just outside of downtown Seattle and began a new life.

My life was content at best. I did nothing exciting and kept to myself. Since Mike and I divorced, I didn't have much of a desire to experience any thrills in life. Every time it seemed that I would try to put myself out there, I would get hurt. Whether it was the few times I dated, or when I tried to bond with the ladies at the office, it just wasn't for me. I hated the back stabbing and the cattiness of female relationships, and as for men - UGH! I swear I thought I would be better off switching teams than trying to find any man that could make me happy. I'd probably be alone when I turned eighty, have a few cats and some dogs and maybe a parrot. Yeah, I'd buy one of those parrots that talk a lot so I could have a bestie.

I enjoyed my job. Being a family lawyer specializing in adoption gave me much needed hope and joy in a dark world. I had assisted with a few divorces in the past, but my thoughts were too hateful for the male race to be unbiased. So I just stuck to adoptions and a few name changes here and there. It's so satisfying to be able to announce to that mother or father that it is done, complete, _final _- that child is theirs forever. To be able to give such a gift to a person that could be only be trumped or out done by a blessing straight from God was euphoric. I did that. I worked it out. It was my purpose in life and I embraced it.

Because I absolutely loved kids, I had to keep my feelings in check. More than once I had gotten too close. When I represented a client I became a part of their life and they a part of mine, mainly due to the fact that our firm values itself on dedication and commitment. I only took on one client at a time and spent countless hours, sometimes even months, evaluating them and their life. Some needed counseling to help prepare for a future with a child, others needed someone to baby-proof their home and then there were a few who just needed reassurance and support. I could do it all, but most importantly I made damn sure that they were deserving and ready for an angel to call their own. It is a life altering responsibility that is not for everyone and I did not take it lightly.

I stepped off the subway and walked the half block to the office. Much to my surprise you could see the sun this morning peeking from behind the clouds. It was breathtaking and it made me want to stay out here until it disappeared. My office view was shit; all I could see was the next building which was so close you could practically reach out and touch it. I missed seeing the sun; it was like a stranger to me. Hell, I would have settled for looking at clouds all day long, anything but the dull gray wall I stared at now.

I took the elevator to the sixteenth floor and made my way through the hall to my office. "Good morning Angela. Have anything for me?"

"Good morning to you Ms. Swan. I do have something for you. Um, Mr. Whitlock sent this file over. You have an appointment with the client in an hour. He said it was urgent."

Angela was my assistant, she was probably the closest thing to a girlfriend I had, well, besides my neighbor Rose and we were not really that close. I liked Angela because she didn't lose herself in the office gossip. She was genuine and loyal.

"An hour is cutting it kinda close isn't it? I hope they don't live too far out."

Another perk of our firm was that we traveled to the clients for home visits instead of them having to come to the office. It was especially beneficial for me and my clients. I had to observe them in their daily living environment anyway so this first meeting was like an interview of sorts. Not only did I interview them, but they had the opportunity to 'try me on for size' too. It was easy to know in the first few hours if we were able to work together or not.

"No, ma'am, they live right here in Seattle. I think the address is on 21st Street."

"Oh, that is close! So what is so urgent about..." I turned the file over to open it and read the name, "Edward Cullen. Hmm, that's strange, I graduated with an Edward Cullen. It's probably not the same one though, I doubt he would be adopting." I shook my head as I opened my office door. "Thanks, Angela. Could you get all the paper work ready for the meeting?"

I set my briefcase down as I entered my office. It was on the small side but it was like my second home. I had painted the walls a deep red and decorated it all by myself. _Yeah me! _

I smiled at the revelation that I would get to see more of the sun today, if it lasted that was. I sat down at my computer and Googled 21st Street to see if it was in walking distance or not. _Yes!_ It was only five blocks down and Angela had said my appointment was at nine. I had plenty of time. I stuck my head out of the door and told her to let me know as soon as she had everything together.

"Give me five more minutes," she said.

"Thanks. Since it's such a lovely morning I am going to walk instead of taking the bus." I sounded proud of myself, almost like me not taking the bus for one day was saving the planet from pollution or an extra "Carbon Footprint."

I walked back around to my desk and opened my briefcase. I went through all the materials that were already in there and then added the forms Angela had just given to me. I checked the battery on my Blackberry and grabbed an extra ink pen, just in case. I was always losing mine so I made sure I kept a few extras in my case. I closed it up and headed out.

"Is this all I have for the day?" I asked Angela.

"Yes, nothing else is on the schedule."

"Wonderful, I'll check in maybe after lunch. If you need me you have my number." I felt stupid saying that, of course she had my number it was an office issued cell phone.

I made my way back to the elevator, smiling in the most polite way I could at all the two-faced whores that worked here. Most of them were just secretaries or admin assistants. I was the only female lawyer on staff. I think that's probably why they didn't like me; they were intimated by me. I would live up to their expectation. If a bitch was what they expected, then a bitch was what they would get.

Exiting the elevator, I smiled smugly as I listened to my heels click across the marble floor. Meeting a potential new client was exhilarating. It was a chance for me to embark on a new journey and work my magic. To prove myself once again. This was what I lived for.

I made the short walk with ten minutes to spare. The whole time I kept my face toward the sun and absorbed the warming energy it gave me. The address was a beautiful brownstone. _This Mr. Cullen must have money_. I was pretty sure that each apartment here was a whole floor and it would put my little loft to shame.

I rang the buzzer to be let in. I was excited to see the inside of this building, especially since I realized that his apartment was on the top floor. I was nosy like that.

Mr. Cullen instructed me to go down the hall to the elevator. It was at the back of the building and was made entirely of glass. It was set outside the wall of the building and overlooked a private courtyard. All I could think as I rode up to the sixth floor was "wow" and "someday". Someday I would live in a place like this. I was planning it now, as I worked my way up the corporate ladder, my frugal lifestyle would allow me a reward like this. Someday. _Wow. _

When the elevator stopped and the glass door opened, I took the few steps to the front door. I rang the bell and waited.

I took a deep breath and straightened up my shoulders. It was show-time.

The door swung open and I almost dropped my briefcase.

"It is you!" The words slipped from my mouth in the most unpleasant way.

"Excuse me," he retorted. He had one hand on the door knob and the other was braced against the door frame.

"I am so sorry, let me start over. Hello Mr. Cullen, I'm Bella Swan from Whitlock & Associates. I believe we have an appointment."

"Yes, of course we do. You look familiar. Did you say Bella Swan? I thought Jasper said your name was Isabella..." Mumbling he turned to walk back into the room, not asking me in, but leaving the door wide open.

I followed him in and looked around the room. The apartment looked as if it was straight out of a glossy magazine. It didn't even look lived in except for a few moving boxes pushed up against the wall and a box overflowing with toys set beside the couch. There were a few trucks and cars, a large Buzz Lightyear figure, and a Barney stuffed animal on top of the pile.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen, we actually graduated together from Forks High. When I read your name at the office I remembered I went to school with an Edward Cullen, but I never imagined it would be...well...you."

"Bella...Yes...That's right... I remember. Please call me Edward. Have a seat."

He was still a good looking guy; let's just say he never had a problem finding a date in high school. Back then we were on opposite ends of the social scale.

Looking at Edward now, he looked tired, almost sad in a way.

"Thanks," I made my way over to his over-sized leather couch. I had to will myself to stop thinking about how much that bad boy cost and just sit down and get to business. "So Edward, what can I do for you? I don't know what Mr. Whitlock told you, but I am an adoption lawyer, he may have misunderstood when you called or something, but I'll be happy to assist you in anyway I can."

Edward picked up a small picture that was lying on the coffee table by the couch and handed it to me.

There was a beautiful little boy with fire red hair and sparkling blue eyes sitting on the floor. He was laughing, you could see his single tooth through his grin and both hands were holding on to the socks on his little feet.

"He's beautiful," I gushed.

"That's Ethan. I'm hoping to adopt him. I need your help Bella. He means more to me than the world." He swallowed hard and tears were brimming in his eyes. "I can't lose him. I just can't."

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**A/N:This idea came to me after reading some of the the DILF contest entries. **

**Please review! I swear I have the least self confidence for a person you will ever meet! **


	2. Ch 2, Edward & Ethan

**Thanks to Smutty & Becky_Boodles** **for pre reading & taking my mess & cleaning it up. **

**I bow to Bierbeck for snazzing up my Grammar!**

**I kiss LovesHerRomeo's hand as she encourages me to go ahead & put this fic out there**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

**Ya know, I would own a kick ass computer if Twilight was mine, ****since it's not, I'll pray this one doesn't blow up. **

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**~*X*~**

_Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf. _

~Jonatan Mårtensson

**~*X*~**

I sat in silence desperately trying not to stare into his tear filled eyes, wondering what I could possibly say to soothe him. I could hear the desperation in his voice and I needed him to know that I would do everything I could for him.

"Edward, I'm here to help you to the best of my ability. I promise you I will do all I can, but I'm going to need you to be honest with me in return, okay? I have to know about every single detail about you and Ethan. No secrets, no lies. Everything." I grabbed my briefcase from the floor and pulled out my pen and pad to take notes.

Edward paced nervously back and forth across the floor as he tugged at his hair. He nodded his head and said, "Yes, of course." After a moment he suddenly stopped, turning to look at me, his hair now in total disarray atop his head. "I'm going to grab myself a drink, you want something? Coke, wine, water, beer?" He chuckled at himself and for just a brief second he smiled. It was good to see - he'd looked so sad a minute ago.

"Water would be great if you don't mind, thanks." I set my briefcase back on to the floor and slipped off my heels, dropping them down beside it. I was instantly more relaxed. As much as I loved my heels, I always prefered to be barefoot. I wriggled my toes against the cold hardwood floor, shivering slightly.

Edward spoke from his kitchen "I'm sorry I forgot to ask earlier, do you want me to call you Mrs. Swan or..."

"Just Bella is fine, thanks!" I replied, hoping he'd heard me over his poking around in the refrigerator.

I looked around the room and took in my surroundings. There were no photos or personal mementos on display, just generic decorations. My eyes darted back to observe Edward through the kitchen door. He seemed so different from the Edward I used to know. I knew for a fact that a lot can happen to a person in ten years, I just had to look at myself to see that. In high school he was an egotistical jock. Mr. Rich-Popular-Prom-King with the world waiting at his fingertips. I'd always imagined that in ten years he would have it all; a stunning wife, 2.5 kids, a big house and a high-flying job. It never occurred to me that one day he would be asking...well begging _me_ for help.

I decided it was probably for the best to forget who he used to be. That was high school after all and it was apparent we'd both done a lot of growing up since then. He deserved a clean slate, just like all of my clients, just like I did after my divorce. Assumptions only make an ass out of you.

I smiled softly at him as he strolled back in to the room and handed me a chilled bottle of Evian before dropping himself into the chair across from me. I unscrewed the top and took a sip of water, noticing him gulp down the contents of his mug. I could smell strong coffee, probably black. _I guess he is tired. _

I leaned forward and set my water on the floor. I didn't see any coasters and I didn't really want to be responsible for leaving a mark on his coffee table.

He sat open-legged in his seat, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and staring into the mug wrapped in his hands. His brow creased in worry and I felt a pang of sadness for him. Edward seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and I had no idea why.

He finally looked up at me, "So...where do I start?"

His voice was quiet but I could detect the tone of desperation. I needed to put him at ease.

"Well, the beginning is as good a place as any," I smiled and continued, "The more you tell me, the more questions I'll be able to ask. Just lay it out there. All right?" I kept smiling, hoping to lift the mood even if just a little.

He sat his cup onto the table, with no coaster mind you, leaned back into his chair and began to talk. I made small notes as he spoke, keeping eye contact as much as I could, he needed to trust me and I needed to be non-judgmental.

"This all started when I began my residency. I had been in school for seven years by then and was top of my class. I was offered a position that I couldn't turn down. Partners in Health contacted me and told me that I'd been chosen to join their team. I would be able to work through my residency and receive my fellowship in pediatrics at the same time, not to mention getting to travel the world and help under-privileged families. The second I mentioned it to my parents, they were so proud of me and I knew I had to go. It was the experience of a lifetime." He nodded his head in agreement with his own words and ran his fingers through that hair.

"I traveled around a lot the first six months. I went to Peru, Haiti, Malawi, but then they called me for a permanent position in Russia. PIH was opening up a new family clinic there and needed a pediatrician." His smile was gradually creeping back. Whether it was pride or recalling good times, his smile was genuine. You could see it in his eyes.

"It was elevating and sad all at once. I couldn't have been happier helping these people and their sick kids, but most of them lived in such a state of poverty that it broke my heart." His smiled faded as he mumbled, "It was so humbling."

"There was this elderly lady who was well into her eighties, we called her Mrs. B., - she was such a caring soul. She brought Ethan in one day because he had a cough and a runny nose." That smile returned and his entire face lit up as he spoke of Ethan. "Mrs. B was a bit of a worrier to say the least; she brought him in almost every other day. It was always nothing, the occasional virus, a bout of flu or tummy bug, but somehow I think she knew..." He looked away from me and took a deep breath. This all seemed so hard for him to talk about.

"One day she'd come in to the office and out of the blue we were hit by a really bad snow storm. The roads were impassable, so we were all stuck at the clinic for a couple of days. We had generators to keep us warm and we had a small amount of food stashed in our kitchen, so I stayed with Mrs. B and Ethan. That's when this picture was taken." He picked up the photo, his fingers glossing over the chubby little face smiling back at him.

"She told me that a stranger had just dropped Ethan off at her door one day. He wasn't even a week old. She took him in but she didn't have the resources or anything to care for a new baby. I knew she wasn't even in good health herself, but she loved him. I treated Eth for about eight months and then one day I received a call from the local hospital. Mrs. B had passed away in her sleep, but hadn't been found for a few days. Ethan had been left alone in her apartment. When they were both found, he was starving and dehydrated but holding on. One of our nurses from the clinic also worked shifts at the hospital. She'd told them I was Ethan's doctor so they called me and asked if I would care for him."

Tears glistened in Edward's eyes again and I could feel my own prickling behind my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks at any time. I quickly wiped at my eyes as he began to speak again.

"Bella, he looked so sick, I didn't know if he would make it. I was terrified for him, and for me, because it was like my first true test as a doctor. Could I really handle it? I just felt so helpless." Edward put the photo back down on to the table but didn't take his eyes away from it.

"Ethan stayed in ICU for almost two weeks and then one day he just perked up. Despite being so sickly, he was always such a happy baby, and he rarely cried. I kept him in the hospital for about a week and then a social worker from the Russian government came to make arrangements to send him to an orphanage. She said he didn't have a birth certificate or any identification at all except the medical records from my office. It was almost as if he didn't exist."

Edward huffed through his nose and shook his head and a light rumble emitted from his chest. He was lost in his memories again and I wanted him to share.

'What is it?" I was giggling along with him.

"This is going to sound absurd, but when that lady told me that Ethan didn't exist, that he had no one, the first thought that ran through my mind was, "can I keep him?" like he was an abandoned puppy or something. I knew that's what I wanted to do." Edward's laugh subsided and he became serious again.

"That doesn't sound absurd. You went far beyond your call of being his doctor. You're only human." I was definitely seeing Edward in a different light now. He too had been through some hard times that had molded him into a better person.

"She told me what I had to do to keep Ethan and I was able to take him home when he was discharged from the hospital. I went from office to office but could never find out how to make it legal. See, I wanted to bring Ethan home to the States. I had told my Mom all about him when I started working at the clinic and I think she already adored him more than I did! Then when Mrs. B died and he was sick, I called her and asked her to pray for him. She called me every day to check up on him...and me too I guess. My parents paid for Mrs. B's burial and Ethan's hospital bills. They even made a donation to the hospital in their name. My Mom had always wanted more children..."

Edward stood up and started pacing the floor again. He shoved both hands in to the pocket of his dark jeans. "I was under contract for eight more months with PIH. I hired a nanny to stay with Ethan while I worked and I continued hounding the shit out of everyone I could get a hold of to legalize myself as Ethan's guardian but the most I got was a temporary guardianship. They kept me spinning in circles. Honestly, nobody cared. I could have taken him right then and no one would have even noticed."

Edward's front door suddenly flew open and coming from the other side I heard excited squeals and a booming voice."Hold up you little runt."

Edward's face lit up like a Christmas tree when Ethan came running in as quick as his tiny legs would carry him. Ethan was beautiful, even more so than in the picture sitting on Edward's coffee table. Now he was a little older and walking quite well. He giggled and shrieked as Edward scooped him up and tossed him in to the air. He had a shock of red hair, and the bluest eyes I think I'd ever seen. He had the cutest freckles splashed across his nose and his skin was creamy white. I stood up and walked over to join them.

A big burly man walked in carrying a diaper bag. His shoulders slumped down as if he was worn out and he quickly dropped the bag just inside the door.

"What's wrong with you? Can't handle a toddler?" Edward laughed as he set Ethan down. Ethan ran over to his box of toys and began to play.

"Man you didn't tell me he had the energy of a hundred monkeys. I've been chasing the little guy around and around and....."

He stopped talking when he noticed I was in the room.

"Sorry Bella, this is my older brother Emmett. Emmett, this is Bella, she is my adoption lawyer. Jaz sent her." I took a few steps forward and extended my hand to him.

Wow! He shook with a firm grip. "Pleasure to meet you Bella. Good luck working with this brat." He whispered loudly in my ear, "You're gonna need it, he's a little spoiled." He chuckled at Edward as he let go of my hand. "So you work with Jasper?

"Yes I do, you know him too?" _I didn't remember Emmett from Forks..._

"Yep! I lived with my grandmother here in Seattle when I was a teenager. Let's just say Forks and I didn't get along." Emmett plopped down on to the floor and started to line up Ethan's cars and trucks.

I looked at Edward as I exhaled in relief, "I thought I was going crazy there for a minute! I didn't remember him from Forks."

"It's a long story!" Edward smiled as we walked back over to the couch.

"Give me a hug lil E, uncle Em has got to get home. I had fun, let's do it again really soon." He ruffled Ethan's hair before getting his hand swatted away by the giggling toddler.

Emmett stood and said, "Bella it was nice meeting you. I guess I'll be seeing more of ya, huh?" I nodded, smiling as he walked over to Edward and gave him a hug. I left them to say their goodbyes and walked over to kneel beside Ethan. I heard a little of their exchange, something about "have you talked to mom today?"... "doctor said"... "damn".

I smiled at the cheeky boy in front of me. "Hi Ethan, my name is Bella. Can you say Bel-la?" Ethan turned to smile at me and his face glowed like an angel. He was quiet for a minute before trying, "La-la," Ethan cooed. I patted his back, "Well that's close enough doll face, La-La will do just fine."

I heard the front door close and turned to see Edward standing behind me. He joined us on the floor, sitting cross-legged, and I realized that he didn't have shoes on either. "Wow...he spoke to you."

I turned to Edward, a quizzical look on my face.

Ethan scooted over and sat himself in Edward's lap. "He doesn't talk much. We've ran multiple tests and we're not sure if it's some kind of brain damage... or if he is just slow. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk but I guess we'll know more in time...but it doesn't matter." Edward finished as him and Ethan drove cars back and forth in between us.

I shifted onto my knees, sitting back on my feet, and picked out a little red truck from the pile of cars.

"So Edward, why are you adopting Ethan. I thought you said you wanted your mother to raise him."

"Well yeah, that was my plan but God decided to overrule it. My Mom is dying of cancer, Bella." A single tear rolled down Edward's cheek and fell into Ethan's soft, downy hair.

Once more, I was at a loss for words.

**~*X*~**

_It is not better to light one candle than curse the darkness?_

**~*X*~**

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**Disclaimer: Partners in Health is legit & by no means want to take anything away from them. I am only using their name, also that being said, I have never adopted, so I'm winging it.**

**I Twitter WAY 2 much, cum & join me: Mrs_Robward.**


	3. Ch 3, Friends

**POP beta'd this. **

**Thanx Bex for the law mumbo-jumbo! **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

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**~*X*~**

_Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. _

_Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. _

_Just walk beside me and be my friend. _

**~*X*~**

"Oh God, Edward, I'm so sorry. How bad is it?" I reached out and laid my hand on his arm. I could reassure him with my whole being that I knew how to fix this mess with Ethan, but this other situation, I'm not much help. When you throw something like this at me, I had no idea what to say, what to do. I wasn't good at commiserations.

Edward kept his eyes on Ethan and fiddled around with the tiny Nike's on his feet.

"Less than six months, we're told."

I needed to just to be honest so I didn't come off as a blubbering fool, "I..I wish I knew what to say but the truth is, I don't. I haven't ever had to deal with something like that. I know that nothing I say can make it better. If you ever need to talk or whatever, I'm a good listener." I patted his arm a couple of times before removing it and placing it back in my lap.

"It's okay Bella, it's hard on all of us. I don't know what to say or do either. Emmett, my Dad and I, we are just taking it one day at a time. It's all we can do." Edward looked down at his watch avoiding the look of pity splashed all over my face. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair.

He stood up and tickled Ethan as he threw him onto his shoulder. "It's time for lunch little man. Bella you wanna stay and eat with us?" He was suppressing his emotions, I get it, I do it almost daily. The pain was easy to forget when you pretend to leave it behind.

"Sure! Sounds like fun, let me check my messages first." I stood up, placed my notepad inside and grabbed my cell from my brief case. No messages. I guess I am free.

_As usual._

I grabbed my water bottle to carry to the kitchen and joined Edward and Ethan. Ethan was strapped into a seat that sat in one of the kitchen chairs so he was level with the table. "So, what's on the menu?" I asked as I came to stand beside Ethan. I smiled as I watched him drive his little black car over some raisins that were in his plate.

"Peanut butter and jelly, the epitome of sandwiches in THIS house." Edward answered. "It's honestly one of the few things Mr. Picky over there will eat. We practically live off them." He shrugged his shoulders as he began to gather the items he needed.

"Can I help you?' I joined him at the counter.

"Nah, you just have a seat. I got this." He motioned for me to sit at the table. I pulled out the chair beside Ethan and let my fingers walk along the table like a spider. He squealed before trying to run my hand over with his car.

"Exactly how long have you been back in the States?" I asked as I placed Ethan's raisins in a parallel line so he could drive his car in between them.

"Almost three weeks." He stated. He was all serious fixing sandwiches. I read the labels on his ingredients; sugar free strawberry jam, organic peanut butter and wheat bread. Yum, I thought as I rolled my eyes.

"Are you going to open your own practice?" I watched as he meticulously spread the jam on each piece of bread, very carefully, as if it mattered how smooth and even it was.

"Right now I'm not working. I probably won't for a while. I really just have to concentrate on spending time with my mom and Ethan. I may eventually pick up a few shifts at Seattle Grace to get my foot in the door, but nothing full time for a while." He spoke as he spread the peanut butter with precision, and he seemed to be concentrating really hard, too hard. I should have insisted on helping him.

"How then will you provide financially? If you don't mind me asking." I would find out his net worth soon anyway, I hoped he didn't think of it as a big deal.

"No, you're my lawyer; you need to know these things." He admitted as he sat our plates on the table before walking over and refilling his coffee cup. "Trust fund. I don't have to work for a long time if I so choose. You'll be finding that out soon enough though, won't you?"

I nodded my head in agreement and he mumbled, "I figured so. After this is done, you'll probably know me better than any other woman ever has. Other than my mother of course."

"Of course." You've got to admire a man who loves and respects his mother, I think it speaks volumes.

"So is there not a Mrs. Edward Cullen?" I asked after I glanced at his ring finger and saw it bare. No tan line, no indention, nothing.

"No, no Mrs. Cullen, nothing even close. Not even a maybe or a kinda sorta or an every now and then. I've pretty much been a single man since high school." He shrugged as he put the strawberry jam back into the refrigerator.

"What about you?" he asked.

I ignored his question. I was too surprised at his admission of his status.

"What? You've been single since high school? I find that hard to believe!" Edward seemed to be quite a catch and was known as pretty much a ladies' man back in the day. "Wait, weren't you dating Lauren Mallory when we graduated?"

He laughed a boisterous laugh that caused me and Ethan both to jump. "Yes, I was dating her then. That didn't last long. Man, that seems like such a long time ago." He shook his head and sat down at the table with us. "Don't get me wrong, I dated through college, but when I went overseas, my schedule and my priorities... changed. I just haven't had the time or the energy to invest in a girlfriend."

I took a bite of my sandwich and chewed slowly before I asked the next question. I may be stepping out of bounds. This was really none of my business. "Do you want one?"

Edward drank a sip of his coffee looking up at me and answered, "What? Do I want a girlfriend?"

I bit at my bottom lip and nodded my head as I picked the crust off of my bread.

"Of course I do. Someday. Right now my main priority is Ethan and my Mom. If my life ever slows down I may take the time to 'play the field'. I would love to find little man here a good mother. Right now though, no, I don't want one. It wouldn't be fair to Ethan...or her." Edward placed his coffee cup back on the table. "So you gonna answer my question? You married? Have any kids?" He raised his eyebrows as he took a bite.

I slowly swallowed the bite I had been chewing on for way too long, "I'm divorced and no kids."

"Divorced? From who? Oh waaaaaait, didn't you date Mike Newton all through high school? Surely to Heaven you didn't marry that prick, did you? I never did like him." Edward said in between bites.

I nodded in reluctance and scrunched my nose together. He remembered. Great. "Well, unfortunately, I did. I married that prick and it didn't last long, I've been divorced now a little over three years." I quickly stuffed another bite in my mouth not wanting to talk about that, not about Mike and me. There was nothing more to tell. He was an ass and I was better off without him.

Edward must have picked up on my avoidance of this subject. He said no more as he slumped over to rearrange Ethan's food on his plate.

"If only we knew then what we know now, huh?" Edward smirked through his raised eyebrows.

"Yea, hindsight's 20/20." I shrugged my shoulders before I laughed, not knowing exactly what I was talking about but it seemed like the right thing to say. Ethan then began to giggle in his little baby voice and that then sent Edward cracking up. I covered my mouth with the back of my hand because spattering Edward's table with chewed up pb&j wouldn't make a very good impression. After minutes of cackling about nothing, Edward and I both wiped the tears off our face. We continued to speak of High School, who we hung with and what classes we had as we finished our lunch.

Edward cleaned up Ethan and I cleared off the table. I was surprised that Edward knew most of the friends I had back in High school. I dumbed down all that I knew about him and the crowd he ran with. He was the ringleader of the cool kids, the ones we all looked up to. The guys that if they ever smiled your way or waved at you, there was the ting of accomplishment in your gut. The hope that you had arrived.

Now I knew better. The social classes of high school were nothing compared to the reality of adulthood. Your labels meant nothing outside the walls of that brick building that once upon a time you would have sold your soul to the Devil to belong to – to own your place in the teenage hierarchy.

My teen years were wasted away living in the shadow of a person whom I thought loved me. I coveted Mike once upon a time. He held my future in the palm of his hand, or at least that is where I placed it. Doing so was a dangerous thing – when you trust your contentment to the hands of another – it can easily be stripped away from you.

You live and you learn.

Now, I was in control. I was in sole command of my life and how ever bumpy the ride became I lived each day to the fullest. I stopped to admire the rays of sun that burst through the clouds on an overcast day, and just like now, I let the sound of a child's laughter fill my soul with pure joy.

Edward took Ethan into his room for a nap and I spread his paperwork on the table for him to sign. When he came back into the kitchen, we got down to business. I went over everything that would be happening in the upcoming months. With a sincere smile, he signed his life away on the contracts and miscellaneous forms required by the firm and I promised to not let him down.

I glanced at my watch, not realizing that it was almost three in the afternoon and told Edward I had to leave. He stretched and yawned, then admitted he was going to lay with Ethan and catch a nap.

"Really I just want to snuggle him." He said as he walked me to the door. "It reminds me of him being a baby, and I get to hold him close and breathe him in."

"Don't take it for granted, Edward. He'll be grown before you know it." He opened the door for me and nodded in agreement.

A look of sadness covered his face, "I'm leaving for Forks tomorrow for a long weekend. I try and spend every weekend there for now, so if you need me for anything, you have my cell."

I walked through the door and fought the urge to just hug him and tell him not to worry, everything was going to work out. Instead I just said, "You and Ethan enjoy the time with your mother and father. I won't call you until you get back. I have plenty to keep me busy until then. Oh, if you see Chief Swan, give him a hard time per his daughter, will ya?"

"Done." Edward said with a lopsided grin.

"Bye and have a safe trip. Give Ethan a hug for me." Then I turned and left. My next mission was in my sights. In the dark days that lay before Edward and his family in their fight against cancer, I was asked to grace their life with a son – a grandson – an angel to call their own and I was more than willing to aid in their quest.

I returned to the office to quickly check for messages and fill Angela in. We talked everything that we would have to file in the next few days. Our work was cut out for us. First and foremost we had to find out all we could about our little Ethan: What was his last name? Did he have any living relatives? A birth certificate? All these variables could either speed up or halt the adoption process. Edward had given me a copy of all the information he had; his temporary guardianship from Russia, Ethan's medical records and information on Mrs. B.

This was probably the most complicated adoption case I had ever taken on. There were so many unknowns, what-ifs and maybes. Leaving Ethan without a family, more specifically The Cullens, was not an option.

I left the office that Thursday night with a burden on my shoulders. As much as I tried to separate work from my personal life, it was impossible. I already adored Ethan and Edward's circumstances had made me want to cry with sadness, glow with pride, and promise him the world.

There was an easy camaraderie between us two, one I didn't expect. Even though he was my client and I was his lawyer, an unlikely friendship had begun, maybe it was even temporary. Being around Edward was simple and there was no need to present ourselves to each other. We were who we were and it worked.

The next week flew by in a blur. I Googled, I called and I searched to my heart's content. There were aspects of international adoption I had not even considered. Angela and I were constantly finding a new lead to follow, only to arrive at a dead end. Ethan had been brought into this world by someone who didn't want to be chanced upon. Who even knew if they were still alive? They could have been criminals even. These were all angles that we approached and researched. When, not if, this adoption was finalized, I would have charted into territory few had been, and even fewer had prevailed. I would set the precedent for others after me. I would succeed.

I had stopped by Edward's twice this week to go over all of our new findings with him. He seemed to appreciate me being so honest, always shooting him straight and keeping him in the know. But he was disappointed to learn that his case may take at least eight months to a year to complete, with us at the mercy of the Russian social service it was the best I could do.

I didn't let on, but at each visit I was super excited to see Ethan. I had only known him a week and he seemed to be growing right before my eyes. He always welcomed me with a 'La-la' squeal and a hug. If I didn't bend down quick enough, he would hug my knee caps before running back to his entertainment at the time of my interruption. Edward would always just stand back and watch the exchange between us with an admiring smile.

_Who wouldn't be smitten by this little red-haired cutie?_

I stopped by on Thursday knowing that they would be returning to Forks again on Friday to tell Edward the good news before he left.

Ethan cheeped, "La-la, La-la," as he ran to me. I picked him up and tickled him as Edward plopped down on the couch after letting me in.

"Ethan, what did you do to your da...." I stopped when I realized that I didn't know what Ethan called Edward.

I set Ethan down and he ran off.

"He calls me Bub," Edward answered through closed eyes and his hand scratching over his face. I went and sat beside him on the couch.

"Bub. Why Bub?" I noticed he looked more tired than usual.

"Well, I had intended on my mother and father having custody of him, so he was going to more or less be my brother, so Bub seemed fitting. It's strange, I still don't feel like the name Daddy seems appropriate." He shook his head as he spoke and I had never really given that position much thought.

"You seem more tired than usual, are you getting any sleep?"

Edward laughed, "Oh, I normally get enough sleep, but for the past two nights, not so much. Someone decided sleep was overrated." He nudged his head toward Ethan who was lost in his world of Batman action figures.

Without thinking I laid my hand on his knee as I spoke, "I have some good news that might make you feel better."

Edward leaned forward, "Really? What?"

"We have a court date for your temporary custody order. It's on the 15th."

Edward pumped his fist, "So that's what? A week and a half?"

"Yes, not this coming Tuesday, but the next. Do you think you could find someone to watch Ethan that day? I have no idea how long it will take in court. We have to plan on all day because it just depends where our case is in their log." I bit at my bottom lip before I let my smile mirror the one on Edward's face.

Things were falling into place, one piece at a time.

Edward yawned at the same time as a black toy whizzed by the couch. Ethan screamed and took off running after it.

I noticed Edward was having trouble keeping his eyes open. "Why don't you go take a nap? Let me watch Ethan for you for a while. If you're driving to Forks tomorrow you need to sleep now or I'm not letting you drive all that way." I kicked off my shoes and removed my blazer, laying it on the arm of the couch.

"No-no-no. I don't think so. I wouldn't expect you to watch him for me. I'll be fine." He said as he rubbed his eyes with the flat of his palms.

"That was not a question, I'm insisting. Now. Go. Rest. I mean it, Edward. Ethan and I are going to play, and then we will eat something. Then maybe, if he's lucky, I'll read him a story. Right, Ethan?"

Ethan sent the Batman figure sailing in between Edward and me to land behind the couch on the floor and giggles erupted from his cherub face.

"Bella, I...don't want to impose."

"Edward, it's not a burden, it's my pleasure. Please. I want to." I became aware that I was all but begging to babysit Ethan on a Thursday night and it would, without a doubt, be the highlight of my week.

"All right, if you insist, but only for a little while. Please don't let me sleep more than a couple of hours."

"Shoo, shoo." I motioned behind him hushing him off to his room to sleep. He bent down and kissed Ethan's head before turning to me, "Don't hesitate to wake me if you need me, you could always just yell. You already know the number to 911, but..."

"Edward," I raised my voice, how old did he think I was, ten? "Get your ass in the bed, before you piss me off. You're not even being funny."

"Sorry. Just a couple of hours, okay?" He retreated backwards toward the hall.

"Keep going," I ordered with my hands on my hips.

He ran his fingers through his unruly mane before departing into his bedroom and leaving the door cracked.

"Your Bub's stinky!" I said to Ethan as I sat back on the couch.

The next few hours, it was just Ethan and I and it was darling. We played, I fixed up some tuna salad and Edward was right – he wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. So I made him his usual sandwich and then cleaned up the kitchen while he picked at it. I left Edward a note on the fridge telling him to finish off the tuna salad.

When Ethan began to throw his mangled bread onto the floor, I took his plate away and washed his face. He was rubbing his eyes and looked almost as tired as Edward did.

I carried Ethan back to his room and was floored at how magnificent it was. It was painted a light blue with a beautiful duvet with animals on it and in small print it said, "Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!" Then the walls! The walls were lined with shelves, and the shelves were full of stuffed animals, pictures, model cars and books. Holy hell, the books! Ethan already owned more books than I did. I set him down and looked though his dresser drawers to find him some pajamas to sleep in.

I changed his clothes, sat him on the small bed and then began to thumb through the books. I found a few of my favorites; Goodnight Moon, The Giving Tree, and Love You Forever. The last two make me cry every time.

I tucked Ethan into his bed and began to read to him. I immediately knew why Edward would want to nap with him, Ethan was a snuggler. Within minutes his eyelids were drooping and he burrowed deeper and tighter into my side. As soon as I heard his breathing become steady, I leaned over and nestled his head, I inhaled his locks and pecked his crown. I laid the open book on my lap and thought just for a minute I would lie here with him.

Just make sure he is in a deep sleep. _I wouldn't want to wake him by getting up._

"Bella, Bella, wake up." The next thing I knew, Edward was standing over me gently shaking my shoulder to wake me up.

"What time is it?" There was no telling how long I had laid there with Ethan. I looked over at him and couldn't help but place another kiss on his hair.

"It's almost midnight. Emmett's on his way over here to take you home." Edward walked away from the bed and I stood up and pulled Ethan's covers tight over his little chest.

When we entered the kitchen, I saw an empty bowl on the table. Edward had finished off the tuna salad I fixed earlier.

"Edward, you didn't have to call Emmett, I can get myself home." I swear he treats me like I am just a kid.

"There is no way in Hell you are riding public transportation at this hour Bella!" I caught the tone of frustration in his voice.

"Edward, you're being silly. What do you think I did before you came along?"

_Hello? Big girl here._

"Bella, not my problem. Now, I've got you covered, okay? No more Seattle Public Transit at midnight ever again. Got it?"

"Okay boss," I answered in my best mocking voice. I began to collect my belongings and it was only minutes before Edward's cell phone rang out a tune sounding like Big Papa by Notorious B.I.G. I heard him mumbling something and then hang up quickly.

"Bella, Emmett's at the curb, he's waiting on you." Edward expression looked aggravated.

"All right then. Have a safe trip tomorrow and thanks for trusting me enough to watch Ethan. I loved it," I spoke quietly. I loved it more than I probably should.

I watched Edward's expression soften before he spoke. "No, thank you. You're such a God-send, Bella. I owe you one." Then Edward did something that surprised me. He placed one arm around my shoulders and hugged me. It was very innocent and... friendly. Unfortunately, my arms were full with my briefcase and my shoes, so I was unable to reciprocate.

"You don't owe me anything Edward, that's what friends are for." I smiled at him as I stepped away and out the door. "Goodnight. I'll talk to you next week."

"Goodnight, Bella."

I didn't hear his door shut until the elevator doors closed. I pushed the button for the main floor and was quite elated in the warmth of my new friendship.

I saw Emmett's over sized Hummer and smiled, his automobile reflected his personality. Big and over the top! He turned down his music and stepped out of the truck to walk around and open my door. "What's a nice lady like you doing out at an hour like this?" Emmett chuckled. "Hopefully my brother," he said in a softer voice as he shut my door.

_I don't think I was supposed to hear that._

I rolled my eyes at his silliness and glanced to the large Brownstone in front of me. I leaned forward and followed the windows all the way to the top floor, the moon shone brightly behind it, illuminating the outline of the beautiful building. My eyes squinted when I saw the figure standing on the roof. It was undeniable, it was Edward. You could see the edge of his shirt ruffled by the breeze and his lean silhouette casually resting against the short outer wall of the penthouse roof. He raised his arm and brought his hand up.

Emmett slammed his door, startling me. I stared at Emmett before quickly darting my eyes back to the roof. I huffed as I relaxed back into the seat. Why was Edward watching me? Did he think I was incapable to even make it to the curb?

Emmett leaned forward looking up to the roof before asking, "Was Eddie boy up on the roof again?" He slightly shook his head as he leaned back and shifted the H3 into drive.

"I think I saw him up there. It looked like it anyway. Does he do that often?" I perplexed.

"Yeah, did he tell you about our Mom?" Emmett looked straight ahead at the road as he spoke to me.

"Yes, he did, I'm sorry Emmett."

"Thanks," he paused before clearing his throat, "So tell me where I'm headed doll?"

_**~*X*~**_

_You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. _

_~Wayne Dyer _

_**~*X*~**_

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**A/N: WOW! Ladies thanks so much for the love, it makes me uber happy! I have a banner on my profile, it will fit in with the happenings in the next chapter! **

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	4. Ch 4, Duckies

**Sheena, thanks for the pre read! **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

Psst – this chapter correlates w/banner on profile =]

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**~*X*~**

_Sometimes I go about pitying myself, _

_and all the while I am being carried across the sky_ _by beautiful clouds._

_~Ojibway Indian Poem_

**~*X*~**

I hate days like today when nothing seems to go right. Actually the past few days had been pretty much straight out of a porta-john, pure shit. All week long there had been a feeling of trepidation lodged upon my shoulders. I was only able to shake it when I visited Ethan and Edward. I had not been able to spend any full days with them yet because of the load of paper work that erupted from every angle of their case.

Everything was prepared for Edward's hearing on Tuesday; I went over it a dozen times. I was sure this temporary custody order wasn't going to be much. It would be the one after this, the permanent hearing that would matter. If we didn't have our ducks in a row by then, we could possibly blow our chance.

Today when I walked into my loft, I slid down the door, sat in the floor and cried. The weight I had been carrying finally tipped the scales and brought me down. I was feeling the pressure of this case and my necessity for everything to be exact and perfect. I cared too much. I was invested and this made it dangerous. _For me._

I kicked my shoes off and added them to the sweater I had already stripped off lying on the floor. When I got up, I went straight to the fridge. I was going to have a drink-no, a bottle of wine. I went into the bathroom and ran an almost scolding hot bubble bath.

My state of depression was partially caused by Mother Nature. She could be a nasty bitch when she threw the curse of Eve at you. I tend to just go along with the reprieve and wallow in my self-pity instead of fighting it. I wasn't a fan of losing battles.

My sniffles continued as I sat in the steamy water and chugged my wine. The bottle was already half gone but it wasn't enough to relinquish the plethora of negativity I felt. I sobbed for little Ethan and the realization that, in concept, all he had was Edward. Even though Ethan was oblivious to the fact, there was a time in his life when no one wanted him; it still pained _me_ to know that. I cried for Edward. He was a good guy who was trying to do right in a wronged world. He was someone who didn't deserve to be losing his mother so early in life. It only seemed appropriate that Edward be happy, not filled with distress and uncertainty. _Was there no such thing as good karma anymore?_

Lastly and least importantly, I shed tears for myself. Even though I loved the shit out of my job and my career was strides ahead of where I thought it would be by now, my personal life was in ruins. Under the surface I felt cheated. Fate had shafted me and as much as I tried to ignore it, my cuts ran deep.

At this stage in my life, I'd intended to be madly in love and blissfully married. I was neither. I knew it wasn't Mike that I missed. It was the idea of it all; the romance, passion, and all-consuming desire for another. It was the theory of Happily Ever After I coveted and feared I would never have.

Then there was Ethan, that little booger had reminded me how much I wanted a child for myself. My soul ached at how close I had once been. I will never forget how complete I felt in those short four months and yet, my anger never ceased at my body for rejecting him. Of course I knew all things happened for a reason. Even so, there was a part of me that thought having a baby would finally bond Mike and I together the way a couple should be. _Nope_. He would have never quit cheating and I would be worse off than I was right now.

I didn't even want to think about how I isolated myself from everyone. How I had no close friends except maybe Edward, and his friendship was possibly even fabricated in my imagination. How I chose to never speak to my parents because their badgering of my life never ended. How as nice as my neighbor Rose was, I always turned her down for drinks because I didn't want to let her get too close. How at the office I didn't speak to anyone but Angela and Mr. Whitlock; one was my assistant and the other was my boss.

I slunk down as far as I could into the hot bubbles, just my face bobbing above the surface for air. I knew I had a weekend full of Double Stuff Oreos, ice cold milk and self-loathe ahead of me. _Oh well, this too shall pass._

After spending the weekend on the couch under the covers watching an unhealthy amount of bad cable and eating more chocolate and cream than I should ever admit to, I got up Monday morning and put my big girl panties on. It gets lonely at a pity party for one so I try to make them as short as possible. I can't stop them from coming, but I can choose how long I stay.

Plus, this was a big week. I had the court date with Edward the next day if all went well, we would be one step closer to our goal.

Angela and I went over all the documentation I had to present if needed. She dotted the I's and crossed the T's. We worked well together like that. I owed a lot of my success to her and I reminded her daily of her awesomeness.

I called Edward to confirm that he was aware of what time we were due in court. He offered to pick me up from the office since it was on his way. He informed me that Emmett was taking Ethan to Disney on Ice tomorrow to watch the Toy Story show. I was jealous a little, that sounded like fun!

The excitement of the day ahead caused the rest of the afternoon and night to be gone in a flash. Before I knew it, here I stood tapping my toes against the marble floor at the office corridor waiting on Edward.

My mouth dropped when I saw Edward pull up to the curb at the office. His car was undeniably the sexiest car I had ever placed my eyes upon. This in turn, caused Edward to appear to me in a whole new light when he opened the door and stepped out. I had to pinch myself because it almost appeared as though someone was filming a car commercial in front of the office and had hired some hot ass supermodel to play the driver. But it wasn't a commercial; it was Edward and his Aston Martin. _Oh. My. God._

Edward had on a light gray button down, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His tie was a lighter gray with thin black and white stripes. He wore basic black pants with a black belt. His hair was tamer than usual; it looked like he might have had a haircut over the weekend. But more importantly, he looked well-rested and excited. As he approached the office doors, he bit at his bottom lip before blowing a puff of air out forcefully.

I took a few steps toward him and we reached the double doors at the same time. It was a one-way glass, so he didn't see me until the door was open and we were face to face. "Well hello, Mrs. Swan," he crooned. "Don't you look smokin' hot today?"

"Whoa, no Mr. Cullen, let's not take the attention away from you. Who do you think you are riding up in here in a Vanquish and then strolling up to the door like sex on legs? Huh?"

Edward laughed in a tone I hadn't heard before, but I liked it. "Sex on legs? That's a new one."

Edward and I walked to the car, he opened the door for me to get in and I slid into the smooth seat and smelled that leather up! It was just...WOW!

"Seriously Edward, a Vanquish? Is this what you drive Ethan around in? I am. So. Jealous." I meant it too. I rode the bus. Or the train. And he drove an Aston Martin Vanquish! Maybe Edward's life wasn't as bad as I thought.

"No, I have a Volvo XC90 SUV that I drive Ethan around in. That's my family car. Mr. Vanquish here, he's my MAN car. This was my 21st birthday present from my parents." He patted the dash as he spoke about his car. _Such a male._

"Isn't this the type of car in that James Bond movie, Die Another Day?" I was still in awe. I felt pretty special to be riding in it. "Tell me about it," I gushed.

He looked at me and smiled as he crinkled his brow, "Why Bella, I never took you for a car girl, since you ride the P.S.T. and all, but okay..." As we drove to the courthouse he told me all about his car. His dad had convinced him he couldn't get his hands on one to buy and then surprised Edward on one of his visits home from college. They were no longer being manufactured and the type Edward had was rare. It was the Vanquish S Ultimate Edition that was not even sold in the States and was only offered in black. He purred about his car and I melted, I loved it as much as he did and it wasn't even mine.

When we arrived at the courthouse, I leaned back into the seat. "Do I have to get out? I just want to sit in here." I joked as I ran my hands along the interior.

Edward snickered and opened my door. He motioned for me to get out and I huffed as I rose up out of the seat. He placed his fingers on the small of my back as he led toward the oversize doors leading in.

Edward walked behind me and leaned forward to quietly speak in my ear: "Silly girl, I still have to take you home, but just so you know, you can ride Mr. Vanquish anytime." I didn't miss the sarcasm in his voice and I rolled my eyes before belting out a laugh.

Edward laughed along with me until we reached our court room. "Are you ready to behave?" I asked as I placed my hands on the antique door knob.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist playing on your obsession for Mr. Vanquish; the ladies love him."

I slowly shook my head and bit at my lip to keep from laughing, I was not going to let him have the upper hand.

He raised his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry. I promise, I'm done. Let's get down to business Ms. Swan. Work your magic."

"Damn straight." I stated as I straightened my shoulders and we entered the court room. This was my domain.

~*X*~

"Edward Cullen, you are my lucky charm. Can I fold you up and put you in my pocket so you can come to court with me every time?" I gushed. I have never, and I mean NEVER been lucky enough to have the second case of the day. We were in and out within an hour and a half.

We both were practically running out of the courthouse doors and down the steps to his car.

"Bella, you don't need a lucky charm. You were perfect in there. You had an answer to every question and you really knew your shit. But more importantly... You did it!" Edward then picked me up in a bear hug and twirled me around. I squealed with joy and the pressure of the past few days dissipated into thin air. I reciprocated his hug and delighted myself in the moment.

"Yes! Little Ethan is all yours for the next 6 months and then we just have to make it permanent Edward. It will be forever!" Edward still held me up off the ground after he stopped spinning me around. I stared into his eyes and I had never noticed how absolutely gorgeous they were. The green in his eyes was pebbled with amber flecks and contrasted perfectly with his bronze messy hair.

His arms still held me so close to his body that I could smell the spice of his cologne. It had been a long time since I was in this close proximity to a man - _my daddy didn't count _- and I missed it. I surveyed his face and noticed the scruff on his jaw that had already taken over the smooth skin from the morning's shave. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard and stilled himself. His smile lessened and he seemed to be concentrating on something. "Thank you Bella," he whispered before setting me back down on the sidewalk.

My hands were still resting at his hips and without stepping away I answered, "You are more than welcome Edward. You deserve that little one. Soon, I promise, soon." I saw Edward's eyes twinkle and then he turned to open my car door.

"Your favorite chariot awaits ma'am." He said as he motioned his hand for me to get into the car. Whatever was bothering him seemed to be gone and the awkward moment between us had passed.

"You're never gonna give that up are you?" I asked when he slid into the driver's seat.

"Nope. I'm sure not. You can't deny you want Mr. Vanquish, go ahead and admit it." He turned his gorgeous face toward me and winked.

I smiled as I rolled my eyes. In truth, I hope he didn't give it up. I did quite fancy... Mr. Vanquish.

We were both elated and road in silence for a few minutes before Edward turned to ask me, "You want to go for a drive or do you have to get back to the office? Emmett won't be home with Ethan 'til later this evening and it's such a beautiful day."

I watched as he bit as his bottom lip as he turned back to concentrate on the road.

"I'm game. Where we going?" I took my shoes off and threw them on the floorboard.

"Shoreline maybe? I dunno, let's just get out of the city for a bit." Edward then rolled down the windows and my hair began to blow around and tickle my face.

"You're driving," I tucked as much of my hair as I could behind my ears and just set back and enjoyed the warm sunshine on this freaking fantastic day. The silence in the car was welcomed, one more confirmation that it was so easy to just be with Edward. No endless chatter, no mindless yakking, just us. I leaned over and propped my head on my elbow so my face could soak in the sun and the warm air.

Edward turned up his iPod that he had docked and I smiled as the Eagles belted from the speakers.

We rode for at least thirty minutes with us both singing under our breath to his variety of music before he slammed on his brakes. I thought I needed to steady myself against the dash, but the seat belt locked before I could get my hands out.

"Damn!" I exclaimed

He flinched. "Sorry. Are you okay? But did you happen to see that sign?" He was excited and then he spun the car around in the middle of the two lane road.

"No, I only saw a blur whizzing by until your seat belt tried to mutilate me." I was pulling on the seat belt trying to get it to loosen up.

Edward tried to stifle his laugh. "Well, it's a carnival. I wanna go."

"A what? A carnival, like a fair or a circus – what's the difference?" I ask.

"A carnival has rides and games. Fairs do too, but also have showcases, pageants, and crap. A circus is like Barnum & Bailey's, you know – clowns and tigers and..." His expression was blank as I looked at him in wonder. Was it bad that I had no idea what he was talking about?

I shook my head as he spoke. I had never been to a carnival or a circus. I did go to a fair once when I stayed with my grandparents in Oregon, but I didn't get to do anything but watch the 4H show and it was boring.

"You mean to tell you never been to a circus?" He spoke as if it was a cardinal sin.

I slowly shook my head.

"Or a carnival? You have never. Been. To. A. Carnival?" His eyes were getting pretty big at this point.

"A fair?" He almost whispered it.

I raised my pointer finger up to show him once and cringed as he shook his head in disbelief.

"What cave have you been living in, woman?" Edward asked as he turned off of the main highway.

I looked around the car as to avoid his question. I just don't do... stuff. I wanted to, but I just... don't.

"Wait!" I shouted as I remembered that I wore my four inch heels today and walking around a carnival suddenly didn't sound like fun. "I only have these shoes and I won't last long in them. And I'm not going barefoot."

I wiggled my toes as Edward looked down at my feet. "What is it with you and shoes? Why do you always have them off?"

I took a deep breath and shrugged. "I just feel better without them. I don't mind wearing shoes, I actually love shoes. I just prefer to let my... feet... breathe." I had never really thought about why I liked to be bare foot. I just did.

"I think it's cute." Edward said as a sly smile spread across his lips. "As long as they don't smell, it doesn't bother me. I actually prefer no shoes too."

"Well, that's just fine and dandy, but it doesn't solve my dilemma." I was disappointed.

"I'll figure something out," Edward said, "even if I have to carry you around like a monkey on my back, we're going to that carnival!"

As we drove for a few more miles, getting further and further away from Seattle, Edward carried on about his favorite rides as a kid and what he hoped would be there. He said it had been since his first year in college that he had been to one of these, so he was excited.

He suddenly turned the car into the Walgreen's parking lot and asked me what size shoe I wore. I told him a seven, my voice laced with curiosity. _What type of shoes can you buy at a 24/7 pharmacy?_

He told me to wait, he would be right back and then he disappeared through the automatic door of the store.

Only minutes went by and he emerged with a plastic bag. He tried not to smile as he sank back down into his seat. "You can thank me later," he said as he handed me the bag.

I was apprehensive to look at what he had just purchased. "Go ahead," he encouraged.

I then pulled out a pair of red plastic-looking shoes. I looked at him as I bit my lip not knowing what to say or what.. they...were?

"They're Crocs Bella. Well, there not really Crocs because Walgreen's doesn't carry the real ones, but they're knock-offs. They'll do. I know that they're ugly, but you might just like them." Edward rambled.

I again didn't know what to say about the shoes. They weren't something I would usually buy, but then again he bought them at a drug store. It was the thought that counted, right?

"Okay. Oh, there's more in the bag." I reached in and pulled out a piece of decorated cardboard in a little baggy. There were 4 little yellow ducks on it. "So, um, what is this?"

Edward smiled proud as he explained. "Those are buttons for your shoes. You snap them in the little holes on top and they make your shoes all cutesy."

All right, I'll give him credit; he wanted my shoes to be cute. "Why ducks?" I asked.

"They remind me of that nursery rhyme that you always sing to Ethan. '_Five little ducks that I once knew, fat ones, skinny ones, fair ones too,' _that song. Eth loves it. You know, he asks me to sing it now? I can't do it justice like you do though."

"That's one of my favorites. My Grammy used to sing it to me all the time." I had been reminded of that song a couple of weeks ago when Ethan brought me a little yellow duck that squeaked when you squeezed it. I was unaware that Edward had heard me singing it though. I was sorta embarrassed and I was sure my face reflected it.

"There's one more thing in there too," he said and I looked at him questioningly as I stuck my hand in the bag again.

"Edward, you don't need to go overboard," I said as I pulled out a pair of ankle socks that had a duck's face and body covering them. There was even a little fuzzy ball on the back for the tail. They were adorable though, I liked them.

"I didn't know if you would want to wear socks or not." He shrugged and said nonchalantly.

"Thank you Edward, these are great. I think the carnival will be more bearable now." I fiddled with the buttons and added them to my shoes, two on each. I decided to go sans socks this time. I didn't want to ruin them.

We pulled into the parking lot; well it was actually a field being used as a parking lot. Edward folded his blazer and laid it in the back seat and then rolled up his sleeves again.

I laughed when I stood up out of the car and looked at my ensemble. My basic black pants and dark short sleeve shirt and then my red fake-Crocs with yellow duckies on them. "Stylin'?" I asked as I pointed to myself.

Edward shook his head, "and Profilin'. You look great. Let's go."

He insisted on paying for everything; our admission into the carnival and then armbands for both of us that lasted until six that evening so we could ride everything.

_Everything?_ That made me nervous. I didn't want to sound like a scary-cat or a party pooper, but I didn't know if I could handle every single ride.

As soon as our armbands were on and we cleared the gate, Edward grabbed my hand and off we went. There weren't any lines to wait to ride because of it being so early in the day and the crowd was minimal. While on the rides, I squealed when we went fast and held my breath when we were turned upside down. Edward just laughed. No screaming, no shouting, he was always cool as a cucumber.

After each ride he would grab my hand and pull me to the next. I didn't say no to any of them. I was so proud of myself. When we approached the oversize Ferris wheel, I immediately started thinking about what I would do if we were to get stuck on top. I quickly doused that idea and just got in the small bucket. The ride was slow and was a welcomed rest. Edward relaxed back into his seat with his arm stretched out behind me and I sat as still as possible, I didn't want our bucket to rock. Edward went to lean over to look out the side of the bucket and it rocked and I screamed. I begged him to be still and not rock it. All I could see was the hinge above us shimming out of its hole because of unnecessary rocking. He acted as though he didn't hear me and I screamed again as our bucket slowly rocked forward. I grabbed his shirt and hid my face in his chest. I felt his chest rumbled as he chuckled once more.

He stretched his arms around me to hold me still. He held me tight and then whispered, "I'm sorry. You're okay. I won't do it again."

I told myself I wasn't going to move because I was afraid to look. I was scared that he would rock us again if I sat up, but I was lying. I didn't move because I didn't want Edward to let go. I wanted him to hold me like this. I found comfort in his strong arms and even though he was just being a friend to me, a girl could dream. I could have something to recall when I lay down at night and tried to remember what it felt like to take pleasure in a man's arms. As my face was buried against him, I savored the aroma of his cologne mixed with what must have been the sweetness of Edward. Neither one of us moved as the ride spun around its axis a few more times.

I felt Edward release his grip as the ride came to a stop. "It's over silly girl. Time to get out."

I looked up from his chest and straightened out his shirt and tie and I stood up to step onto the platform.

As we descended the steps I told him I was sorry and he told me not to worry about it.

We walked to the edge of the midway and stopped. We looked back at all the rides, we had ridden them all, and, now, all that was left was the games to play.

"Just a few?" Edward asked.

"Why not?" I said, it really didn't matter to me. I had already had more fun in the past few hours than I had in years. I felt sixteen again and I didn't want this day to end.

Edward played a few, not winning at any. We whispered how we both thought they were rigged for you to lose. I decided to try my hand at knocking the milk bottles down that were stacked six-high in a pyramid. Edward bought me three chances. The first two I only knocked one of the pile. With my final try, I stood back and angled myself to the side. I threw that stinking ball as hard as I could and I knocked off five. Five!

"Almost." Edward said as we walked off from the booth. I was close to giving that toothless ass behind the counter a piece of my mind.

"Everybody knows...almost doesn't count." I was still ticked as we walked toward the gate we had come in. I still don't like to lose.

"What do you mean?" Edward asked as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

"My grandfather used to say that almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Then my Grammy would answer, "Yes, Poppa, everybody knows, almost doesn't count." It's true. Think about it. When is it almost good enough?"

Edward walked a few steps before looking at me with an almost sad look in his face. "Honestly, I never really thought about it."

"I have. I learned the hard way. You can't almost be in love or almost have a baby." Edward's walking slowed and he glanced at me though the corner of his eye.

I continued my little rant. "Nobody wants to almost win the lottery or almost graduate. I sure as hell don't want to almost win a case and you don't want to almost save a life."

"You're right. Almost doesn't count." Edward solemnly said.

I stopped walking and cracked a grin because I really didn't want to ruin this fabulous day.

I raised my pointer finger, "Only in horseshoes and hand grenades."

Edward stopped beside me. "Right, horseshoes and hand grenades. Got it!" He gave one quick nod of his head and then his eyes light up. He grabbed my hand and tugged me over to one of those pictures booths you climb in and get your picture made.

He put money in the slot and then chose the option for two sets of prints. "No planning, just pose." he said really quick as the voice from the computer in front of us started to count down. 5...4...3...2...

I scrunched my nose and grabbed his tie to pull his face close to mine as the flash temporarily blinded us.

3...2...1 Still holding on to his tie I looked away as the flash erupted again.

2...1 The click of the flash bulb one last time caused us to still and just be.

The machine spit out our pictures at a snail's pace and we grabbed them and once again began our walk to the car.

"I love them," I said as I examined the black and white pictures of Edward and me.

"Yes, not bad." Edward agreed as he opened the door for me to get into the car.

We rode in our comfortable silence for a bit and then Edward said, "You haven't slipped your shoes off yet."

I still hadn't stopped smiling as I realized he was right. "No, no need to. I forgot I had shoes on!"

He laughed and continued to drive us back toward home. "Bella, I need to ask you something."

The tone of his voice had turned serious.

"Sure, Edward. Anything." I said this not thinking about what anything could entail. What if he was going to ask me out? No, he wouldn't do that, but what if he was going to ask me to go out with Emmett? What if he was going to ask me how I felt about Ethan? I couldn't lie.

"Will you go to Forks with me this weekend? My mom wants to meet you." Edward never took his eyes off the road as he spoke.

Oh.

I never expected that. I couldn't deny his dying mother's request or the timidity I saw behind his eyes.

"Of course Edward, I would love to meet your mother."

**~*X*~**

_She glances at the photo, and the pilot light of memory flickers in her eyes._

_~Frank Deford_

**~*X*~**

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**A/N: ::waves:: Hey all! I created a play list for those of you who like to listen to music when you read. I will add songs as I go along & some of the songs will come into play later on in the story. **

**This chapter correlates with the banner, that I now have more than 1 of! Thank you very much to Sheena & Reiny! W00t! Banners on Profile. **

**This chapter is happy-go-lucky, but next maybe not so much. Sorry, but this story may involve tears, justsoyouknow. **

**I Twitter daily, cum & join me: Mrs_Robward.**


	5. Ch 5, Mr Whitlock, Rose, & Esme

_***Tear Warning* There is talk of cancer/dying in this chapter. **_

**Thanks to Bierbeck for her beta skillz, she's gonna be mah masta-beta for this fic. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing & I love her! **

-If u can hack it, Esme has her own play list, link on profile-

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_**CANCER IS SO LIMITED! **_

_**It cannot cripple love; it cannot corrode faith; **_

_**It cannot shatter hope; it cannot eat away peace; **_

_**It cannot destroy confidence; it cannot kill friendship;**_

_**It cannot shutout memories; it cannot silence courage; **_

_**It cannot invade the soul; it cannot reduce eternal life; **_

_**It cannot quench the spirit. **_

_**~Author Unknown**_

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I squinted my eyes as the light from outside began to barely peek through my blinds, illuminating the ceiling above me. I glanced at the clock and in exactly five minutes my iPod would begin to play some random song to wake me up. It seemed to frequently happen this way, most of the time I wondered why I even set an alarm. My internal clock was pretty dead on and I always woke up on my own.

I rolled over to cuddle my pillow and couldn't stop a smile from spreading across my face. I saw my red duckie fake-Crocs sitting on the floor beside my bedroom door. The memories from yesterday flooded my thoughts; the rides, the food, the Vanquish. Edward. Well, mainly Edward. I saw a side of him yesterday that I hadn't seen. He was able to relax and enjoy the day. No worrying about his mother. No stressing over his circumstances with Ethan. We reverted back to being two crazy kids without a care in the world, and it was exhilarating. I stuck our pictures from the photo booth in the crease between the mirror and the wood trim of my dresser. No doubt it would make me smile every time I saw it.

My thoughts regarding Edward and our friendship were starting to blur. Now when I thought about him, I just didn't just see the friend who needed a lawyer. I saw a man. I saw an attractive, single man. I saw a man who was a great father-to-be. I also saw a person who was my friend and he gave attention to me. He was nice, respectful, and kind to me and I couldn't forget the way he felt in my arms on the Ferris wheel. My mind was branded with the feeling of him holding me, platonic or not, and it was... nice. I saw myself maybe wishing for more and it scared me. That was crossing an invisible line I had placed before myself long ago. Business and pleasure don't mix. It was a recipe for disaster. My career was too important for my lonely libido to fuck it all up.

_I had to get a grip._

_I had to get the crazy idea out of my mind._

This afternoon I had a meeting with Mr. Whitlock to discuss yesterday's court appearance and the progress in Edward's adoption. It was really the only definite thing on my agenda for the rest of the week. I still had a few loose ends to tie up and random forms that needed to be completed and filed with various state agencies regarding Ethan's temporary custody. _Blah-blah-blah. _

Lying there staring at the pair of odd shoes on my floor, I gave myself a pep talk. Mr. Whitlock was an old friend of the Cullen family. He knew Edward better than I did. So I wasn't sure if I had stepped out of bounds by going to the fair with Edward. I didn't want to appear unprofessional or seem to be pining for Edward, or...I don't know. I just needed to somehow define what the boundaries were for lawyer/client relationships. Not that Edward and I were in a defined relationship. Or were we? Friends is a defined relationship, right? I wonder if this was discussed in the company handbook?

Shit.

I vowed to square my shoulders, hold my head high and summarize this case to Mr. Whitlock just as I had done dozens of times before. Even though, I suppose, there really was no difference. Edward was just my client and Ethan was just the little one he was trying to adopt. No biggie. I could do this. If I had an attachment to either of them, no one had to know. I shouldn't even admit it to myself.

Truth be told, I really would love to be able to keep up with lil' E's progress as he grew up, long after this case was closed. There was no denying, he had already won my heart.

I joined Angela in the hall outside of Mr. Whitlock's large office door before we got this show on the road. "Ready? Got everything?" I asked Angela.

_Ms. Bella Swan steps into center of the arena for round two._

She nodded her head in agreement and I opened the door to face the music.

Mr. Whitlock's office smelled of Pledge wood cleaner and cologne, and needless to say many a female swooned over him here in the office. He was very easy on the eyes and not but a few years older than me. He was also successful and rich with a tad bit of mystery and compassion. His wife Alice, was one lucky woman. I'd never felt attracted to him, but more than once I had heard the dreams that some of the staff had shared starring him.

He was sitting at his extravagant desk mulling over a small – compared to mine – stack of papers.

"Ms. Swan, Mrs. Cheney, please come on in ladies. Have a seat." He half stood and pointed to the two empty chairs across from him. He sat back down and closed the folder on his desk that he'd been reading. He leaned back in his tall back leather chair. He wore a basic white tee shirt, designer I'm sure, and dark dress pants. His dark suit jacket was hanging behind him on a coat rack. Casual but polished. Authoritative yet approachable. "I'm eager to hear all the details of Edward's case." His smile was genuine and warm.

On that note, Ang and I explained all that we had accomplished so far. I whined about all the mounds of paperwork involved while Angela agreed that most of it was bogus. We both bellowed about how many dead ends that we ran into, and the run around the Russian Social Service had given us. Or was still giving us!

Mr. Whitlock sat silent chewing on the inside of his cheek as we rambled on.

When we finally wrapped up our rant, I was excited to share that we were granted the six month temporary order. He congratulated us on a job well done and asked if we had anything else to add or further discuss.

Angela and I both stood and gathered our things to leave.

"Ms. Swan would you care to stay in my office for a brief second? I need to talk with you privately." He almost had a sly smile on his face as he stood to excuse Angela from the office.

He shut the door behind her and suddenly my nerves were a bit on edge. What if Emmett had told him already about Edward and me going to the fair? What if he assumed I was making a play for Edward? What if he could tell I was getting too attached to Ethan? Surely he wouldn't take this case away from me! I was the best family lawyer this firm had!

Would he?

I took a deep breath and faked a smile as I sat back down in the chair. I began to curl a strand of my hair around my finger to soothe my nerves and appear to have it together.

"So Bella," the past year or so when we were in private company, or out of the office, he casually referred to me by my first name. I honestly didn't mind. He could call me Shirley Temple as long as he respected me and kept me on staff. I had yet to make a habit of addressing him as Jasper though, it felt too personal.

"Yes sir?" My professionalism still at the top of my game.

"How many times do I need to tell you?" He laughed. "Please call me Jasper. Sir makes me feel so... older than I am."

I gently shook my head and snickered. I wasn't promising anything.

"Emmett told me you're accompanying Edward to Forks this weekend to meet Esme." I couldn't decipher the tone of his voice or the smirk on his face. Was it anger? Suspicion? Disappointment? Joy?

"Yes, I am. Edward asked me to. That's not a problem is it? My parents still live there and I..." Why did I feel the need to justify my actions?

_This trip was harmless!_

"Bella, I think it's a wonderful idea. You know I'm an old friend of the family right? When Alice and I got married, Emmett was my best man and Edward sang at our wedding."

_Wait... Edward sings?_

"Um, no. I mean yes. I mean..." I paused to gather my words. "I mean I knew that you went to school with Emmett but I didn't realize you were that close."

_Edward sings?_

"Yes, Emmett is my oldest and best friend with Edward not far behind. Esme's like my second mother. Beautiful, precious woman. She's really had a rough time lately. You may or may not know this, but I'm the one who recommended to them that you take Edward's case. They did ask for the best." My cheeks glowed a little pink and I bit at my lip to keep from smiling too big. I wasn't the best at receiving compliments but no doubt, I was good.

"Thank you Jasper. I appreciate that. It's been great reminiscing with Edward and getting to know Ethan." That sounded cool and collected and maybe I didn't give myself away.

"Yeah, that's something else I wanted to discuss with you. Your relationship with Edward is none of my business." I'm positive my eyes looked as though there were about to pop from their sockets as soon as he used the words 'you... Edward... relationship' in the same sentence. Not to even mention the instant burning from the guilty blush that was staining my cheeks.

"Normally I wouldn't say anything. There is no company policy on lawyer/client relationships; I expect my staff to be professional at all times. But I need to stress to you that this is very important for them and they ARE like family to me. I can't let them down. So if there are any coals burning between you and Eddie boy, could you at least wait until the case is closed before you stoke the fire? Please?"

_Oh. My. God. Burning coals? Stoking the fire? Was he serious?_

"Jasper, I can assure you we are just friends, I..."

He looked down and held up his hand to silence me, so I snapped my jaws together.

"Listen Bella, Edward is a good – no, he's a great guy. I think you two would make a great couple, but not on my time and not while you are representing Whitlock & Associates, do you understand?"

I sat in front of him with my mouth hanging wide open. What's the term? Catching flies? Yes, I was hanging a neon sign that said 'come on in.'

I didn't have words. Mr. Whitl – Jasper and I had never had a conversation this personal before. Friendly, yes, but NEVER about my love life. _Wait, I have no love life._

"Just take it slow and don't break his heart. He deserves the best. Oh well, it's inevitable anyway."

_Huh?_

"Uh, well, yes Jasper I understand. As absurd as this sounds for me to say this, 'I promise to not break his heart,'" I scoffed. I was still in shock and felt insane even saying that. Not in this lifetime would I ever be on the same playing field to date someone like Edward Cullen, much less break his heart. Things like that don't happen to girls like me. Those things are called fairy tales and we read about them in books and wish for them upon fallen stars.

And dream.

I stood to leave his office as I remembered what he said, "Oh, what's inevitable?"

He looked up from his paper work and that crooked smile spread across his face. "You and Edward. Alice has a hunch that you'll soon be more than just his lawyer." He winked and my eyes once again tripled in size. I held my hands up to say 'what the hell?'

"My Alice, she has so called "feelings" about the future, she's always dead on. You don't ever bet against Alice, Bella." He used his fingers to mimic air quotes when he said feelings.

I was speechless. Again.

I grabbed my things out of the chair next to me and began to walk to the door. "Oh, speaking of Alice, she insisted that I invite you out with us next Thursday. We are getting together for Emmett's birthday at The Hole. Just a few people, totally non-work related. Can you attend?"

I was frozen in my spot staring at his closed door.

Do I go?

I slowly started to spin around to give him my answer that I would accompany them. My invitations to go out were few and far between.

Without looking up from his desk he said, "I'm sure Edward will be there," I could tell he was trying to keep from smiling.

"Yes sir, I'll go. Would you please forward the details to Angela so she can add it to my schedule?" He didn't have to know I had no life and my social calendar was blank.

"Is it formal or informal or..." I shrugged my shoulders.

He chuckled as he answered, "It's very informal. It's Alice's father's bar. We meet up there all the time. She's looking forward to getting to know you better."

"Thank you for including me, Jasper. Have a great day." I glanced at the picture on his wall of him and his wife before shutting his door. She was a very pretty woman and the few times I had been in her presence she seemed very confident. She owned her own business. I think she was like a personal shopper or something.

As I trudged back to my office, I thought about the few things I had coming up in my near future. First the weekend with the Cullens in Forks and then I had a get together with friends. I guess that's what you call it. Part of me was excited, while the other half was already dreading it.

My comfortable, lonely bubble was expanding. If I became anymore social it would burst and be non-existent.

Thursday evening after work I ran into Rose in the lobby of the apartment building. We were both checking our mailboxes. She smiled more than I think I had ever seen her smile and then she spoke to me, and was very... friendly. We chatted for a minute and then decided to go to the corner and grab some supper from Subway.

"So, I haven't seen you around much lately. You finally snagged you some man meat to call your own?" She wiggled her eyebrows as she spoke.

"No, I'm still a vegetarian I guess. I've just been very busy with an important client. Work before pleasure."

"Hmm, well I hope your 'important client' is at least easy on the eyes. Two for the price of one right?"

"He's most definitely worth my time. What about you? Have you found Mr. Right yet? Or at least Mr. Right now?" Rose had no problems finding a date. Men swarmed to her like gnats on a dog's ass. She was the closest thing to a life-sized Barbie you could ever find. She could probably work at Mattel being their model.

"Maybe," she said reluctantly, "but I don't want to talk about it and jinx it."

"Whatever," I said as I laughed at her silly superstitions. "So tell me all the latest news from the station." Rose was a popular MP3J at one of Seattle's premiere radio stations. If you called her a DJ she would correct you real quick. She was always invited to the best parties and gatherings in the city. She also received tickets and backstage passes to every concert and event that passed through Seattle. That lucky bitch was even loaned a brand new Sky Roadster to cruise around town in from Saturn of Seattle. In return she carried on about it on the air. Some gals have all the luck.

She continued to tell me all about her exciting life. I sat quietly and listened. I had nothing to compare to her going backstage at the Kings of Leon concert the other night. Or how she got to sit on the fifty-yard-line at the Redskins vs. Cowboys football game. I mean, what could I say? _"Well you know what I did? I went to the carnival for the first time in my life. Edward bought me shoes decorated with little yellow duckies. And I rode all the rides, including the Gravitron - twice! Oh and Edward the guy who took me, is way out of my league and we are just friends. Hell, he probably felt sorry for me."_ Yeah, that little rant will stay tucked in my memory because in real life it was so much more awesome than what it sounded like.

We ate our subs then walked back to the loft. She went to hers because she had to be at work at 4:30 in the morning, and I went home to pack. Edward was picking me up at nine in the morning for the ride to Forks that I just knew I would enjoy with my two favorite boys.

_Wait... what?_

~*X*~

Edward was right on time and Ethan sat in the back seat tightly buckled into his car seat. I laughed at the small box of toys to his left. Edward said it was for his sanity, apparently Ethan gets bored easily.

We stopped at IHOP and had breakfast before leaving the outskirts of the city. Ethan ate scrambled eggs, Edward had the Rooty-Tooty-Fresh & Fruity and I had my favorite – strawberry pancakes.

Needless to say, eating with them was fun. Edward was uptight and Ethan was carefree. Edward cringed when Ethan ate with his fingers and tried his best to stop him when Ethan realized how fun it was to throw his silverware. His squeals could be heard all through the restaurant.

Just when I thought Edward was going to pull his hair out from nerves, I picked Ethan up from his chair and held him in my lap. I watched as Edward's shoulders slumped in defeat and I broke out in to the giggles. He looked at Ethan and said, "Now I remember why I never go out to eat anymore." Which only fueled my amusement and in seconds, Edward joined me. Edward covered his face with his hands as he laughed and I swear, I heard him snort! We waved the waitress away when she stopped to ask if everything was okay. My face was stained now with tears and my chest hurt from laughing. This was the second time that Edward and I laughed until we cried, both times involving food. What's up with that?

Ethan started patting on my face and saying "La-la, La-la, La-la." I took a few deep breaths to end my fit and answered him. He was talking a little more and becoming more vocal with what he wanted.

"Yes baby. What do you want?"

"Dink-a mock."

I grabbed his sippy cup and handed him his milk.

"Good job Ethan," I said as I kissed his head under my chin.

"Please tell me it will get better Bella, or am I doomed to never eat in public again?" Edward asked with his head resting on his hands.

"Edward, he's just a toddler. This is what people expect." Edward's head fell forward in between his hands. "It'll get better as he gets older. You just have to correct him and show him how to behave."

I reached over and laid my hand on his. "I promise, hang in there Bub."

"Bub. BU-UUUUUB" Ethan shrieked.

Edward stood and threw money on the table. He mouthed to me, "let's go" as he grabbed Ethan from my lap and bolted toward the exit.

I snickered as I picked up Ethan's cup and my purse. I walked behind him and watched every female admire Edward as he maneuvered though the mess of tables. There were a few males that ogled him too. I knew exactly what they were thinking. Too pretty for words, right?

As we returned back on the highway toward Forks, Edward told me that it was close to Ethan's nap time and he'd be asleep soon. Edward turned up the radio and we rode in our comfortable silence enjoying the scenery around us.

In no time at all, Ethan was out like a light and Edward turned down the radio. I saw him glance at me a couple times like he wanted to say something but he was hesitating.

"What is it?" I asked as I pulled my knees up to tuck under me.

"Can I ask you something Bella? I don't want to pry and you certainty don't have to answer me but..."

"Go ahead, ask away." I told him as I twirled my hair.

His forehead wrinkled as his face became serious. "Did you say the other day at the carnival that you had... a miscarriage?"

He was glancing back and forth from me to the road. I guess trying to read my expression.

I swallowed hard and looked forward to contemplate how much of myself I was willing to bare to him. I hadn't talked about this in a while, so it shouldn't be too hard. Maybe it would even be therapeutic to discuss it.

"Yes, almost four years ago, I lost a baby. I was like twenty one weeks. I'd just found out it was a boy." I smiled at the memory of the ultrasound and the little appendage that was so visible. I still had the picture that confirmed to me it was a boy. I don't think I had ever been so elated in my life.

"After I lost him, I named him Asher, which meant fortunate, blessed, and happy. Because that is how I felt. Mike chastised me that giving him a name was stupid and unnecessary. He claimed it would be harder for me to get over my loss. But I did it because I loved him; he was a part of me. He was still my baby."

I was surprised I hadn't started crying yet. Talking to Edward about this was easier than I expected, even though I still felt the gaping hole aching in my heart.

"There was a lot of bleeding... and damage. The doctor said he was unsure if I'd ever be able to get pregnant again or carry a baby to term." I began to stare at the floorboard, the emotions finally building up and causing my eyes to fill with tears.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Edward whispered. He reached over and grabbed my hand. "That's... awful."

I nodded in agreement. I figured I didn't have to tell Edward all the gory details. He was a doctor, he could figure it out.

The silence between us was now thick with sorrow. I felt weak for still hurting so bad when I talked or even thought about it.

"What the fuck did you ever see in Mike? Good God! You were – you ARE too good for him. Even in high school..." Edward mumbled and then grew silent again as he looked at me out of the corner of his eye. Our hands still entwined resting together on the edge of my seat. He began to lightly rub my knuckles with the pad of his finger. The gesture was sweet. I think he was trying to comfort me.

I wiped a tear from my cheek and glanced at him holding my hand. His long fingers engulfed my hand. I had forgotten how this simple gesture could be so soothing.

I leaned my head back on the head rest and closed my eyes. "I was naive. I knew Mike cheated on me repeatedly with Bree, his secretary. He even left me a few times for her. Then he would come begging with empty promises and I'd take him back. I thought it was what you were supposed to do. I mean, the vows and all. You commit to someone and you stick with them through hell or high water. I really thought it'd get better. I know now I never truly loved him. He was just familiar. For some reason I thought in time I'd be rewarded for doing the right thing, for taking him back and trying to make things work."

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at Edward. There was no telling how he'd feel about me after I told him all this fucked up stuff. He still hadn't said a word. I concentrated on the touch of his fingers massaging my hand.

"I disregarded my true feelings. I gave up my hopes and in truth, I lowered my standards for our relationship. Then one time, he left me and I'd had enough. I was ready to stand on my own two feet and get on with my life without him. He came back asking for one more chance. Then I got pregnant."

We stopped at a red light and Edward looked over at me and I surveyed his face. His eyes were sad and he looked concerned, but there was also something behind his eyes I couldn't decipher. He almost looked angry.

I continued on, "I remembered thinking 'Finally! This is my reward!' Everything was going to work out now. Mike pretended to be happy, but his actions showed otherwise. He never went with me to the doctor or shopping for baby things. He didn't even want to talk about it."

I involuntary squeezed Edward's hand as the memories of that day ran though my mind. "Then one day out of the blue, she called me – his mistress, Bree. I thought he'd broken it off with her. But she told me all about the promises he was making to her. She explained to me where he was every day at lunch, and when he was working late. How he was calling her every night after I went to bed or when I took a bath. When I was getting my ultrasound they rented a motel-by-the-hour..."

I saw Edward narrowing his eyes and biting at his top lip. His other hand was gripping the steering wheel and he was squeezing it tight making his skin turn white. I returned his calming gesture by grazing his knuckles, what I could reach of them.

"I found all the receipts, the phone bills, and empty condom wrappers. At least he was using one right? Anyway, I flipped out. Anger doesn't begin to describe what I felt. I was enraged."

I inhaled and exhaled deeply. "That night I lost the baby. Four days later, I moved out, filed for divorce and the rest is history."

"Damn Bella, I don't know what to say. I do know that mother fucker needs his ass beat."

I couldn't help but giggle at Edward's anger. "Oh, Officer Swan already got a hold of him. Let's say Mike rarely comes back to Forks to visit." I smirked remembering that Dad had said Mike pissed his pants when he thought Charlie was going to shoot him.

"Seriously?" Edward asked.

I scrunched my nose. "Yeah. It's just as much my fault though. I did let it continue."

"Don't you dare say that. That shit's not acceptable. Ever!"

I turned in my seat a little more to be angled toward him. "Thanks for listening and caring, you know, not judging me." I bit my bottom lip as I looked down at our hands again.

"You're welcome. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about it." He picked up our joined hands and chastely kissed the back of my hand.

I watched his perfect lips pucker and I involuntarily licked my bottom lip. His lips were soft and warm and my hand tingled from the breeze blowing through the car that whipped against the damp spot from his kiss.

I looked away to stare out of the window. I felt our hands, still together, lie back on the seat beside me. I felt Edward's hand innocently resting against my bare leg and I wondered if he noticed. I wanted to slap myself for getting all riled up by a simple kiss and an innocent touch.

I needed to get laid. Being around Edward so much was causing my libido to go all wonky.

The rest of the trip to Forks was spent with us chatting about the past. Edward talked of his travels and some of the bizarre things he ran across while living in Russia.

My past didn't hold a candle to his, but I spoke briefly about being in college, law school, and trying to live in Forks. I explained to him about how nosy my folks were and that I wasn't able to stay sane living near them. I hadn't even begun to think of the inquisitions I'd get about Edward bringing me home. I was sure my mother would have us married in no time.

He then talked about his mother and father. What a perfect example of loving parents they were and how he was blessed beyond measure to have them. He joked that they were such model parents they should write a book about it. I'd be lying to say that I wasn't jealous.

Before too long we were pulling up to my parent's home in Forks. "Oh dear God, give me strength." I whispered to myself before getting out of the car.

I opened the back door and ruffled Ethan's hair. I kissed his cheek before I asked, "Can you tell La-la bye-bye?" I waved at him and he gave me a toothy grin before waving back. His attention then went to the box of toys at his side.

I joined Edward at the back of the Volvo to grab my bag.

"I'm sorry I can't stay and meet your parents, Bella. Mom's probably waking from her nap and she'll be waiting on us."

I tried to grab my bag from his fist and he shook his head no and motioned for me to lead the way.

"I understand. You need to get home to her. I'll see you all tomorrow." I glanced up to see my mother peeking out the window from in between the blinds.

_Are you kidding me?_

"I'll pick you up around eleven. We'll have brunch at the house."

When we reached the front door he finally handed me my bag. We awkwardly stood on the porch for what seemed like hours but was more like seconds. I swear it felt like he was dropping me off from our first date.

What I would have given for this to happen to me years ago. **The** Edward Cullen standing on my porch, telling me goodbye with promises to see me tomorrow.

_Well kinda-sorta._

"Bub! Bub! La-la!" Ethan began to scream from the backseat.

"I gotta go Bella. See ya' around eleven."

"Bye Edward."

I opened to door to get this shit over with as soon as possible. I dropped my stuff beside the steps as my mother met me with a hug. Then the questions started. Of course my mother wanted to know who he was, if I was dating him, if we were exclusive. _Etc. Etc. Etc..._

Then Mr. Know-It-All Swan who used his weight at the station to run back grounds check on every single one of my friends proceeded to tell my mother all he knew about the Cullen family. To call him the town gossip would be being polite. No one shit in Forks without my father knowing about it.

I just slumped down on the couch and agreed with what they said. They really didn't want to know what was going on in my life. They would morph it into whatever they wanted me to be doing so I might as well let them have their fun.

~*X*~

I lucked out because Saturday morning my parents had a community picnic they were attending. I didn't have to introduce Edward yet. I'd crashed not long after he dropped me off last night.

My cross-examination from them only lasted about twenty minutes before my mother retired to her bedroom for the night to read and my father turned on Sportscenter.

Edward pulled up promptly at eleven and he said Esme and Ethan were laying down to rest. We ran by the local cafe to eat a salad before going to his house.

On the way he seemed to be nervous. "Bella, my mother just wants to meet you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for agreeing to it. I know you didn't have to." His smile was warm but he looked so worn and sad.

"Edward it's truly my pleasure. I actually feel special that she would want to meet me. I am a little nervous though. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing. What if I make her cry or something?" I had thought about it all night. What do you say to someone who knows they are dying? It's like someone who has a deformity; do you ignore it and treat them as if nothing was different?

"Esme's tough. Just be yourself. She'll be smitten with you like the rest of us." He said as he winked at me.

_Wow._

We pulled into his drive and I was stupefied at the size of his house. It was beautiful. How can Edward come from this and still be so humble?

I seriously marveled at the grounds surrounding their mansion. It was straight out of one of my dreams. Perfectly landscaped and decorated. Gorgeous flowers and bushes scattered among the greenest grass I had ever seen. Then my breath actually hitched when I saw the weeping willow with the bench swing underneath it. Does it get anymore perfect?

"Come on in silly, I'll give you a tour later." Edward smirked.

At a loss for words, I shook my head and followed him in to the house.

He told me as we ascended the steps that I might not get a chance to meet his dad. Carlisle works most of the weekends at the hospital so he can take off during the weekdays. On the weekends, Edward and Emmett usually come so Esme always has someone with her. I asked if Emmett was coming and he said not until tomorrow, so I wouldn't be seeing him either.

He led me through what must be his parents' bedroom. The room was open and well kept and just immaculate. The huge, and I mean bigger than king size, four-poster bed sat on a far wall. The decorations were simple and tactful. Pictures lined all the dressers and walls. I secretly hoped I would get a chance to look at them more closely later.

I stopped right in the doorway as we walked into a room that I would describe as heaven. It was a sun room of sorts with nothing but glass on three sides. It overlooked the lavish garden that must have been at the back of the house. There was a large stream that ran parallel to the house before the open land stopped and the tall trees of the dense forest began. You could see for miles, I could even make out mountain tops that disappeared into the clouds far, far away if I squinted my eyes.

Edward stopped beside me and smiled as he watched me marvel. I hadn't even noticed the chase lounge to my right where there was a frail woman lying. He gently placed one arm around my waist and led me over to his mother.

"Bella, this is my mother Esme. Mom, Bella." Edward spoke in a soft voice and I noticed that Ethan was cuddled up asleep by Esme on her couch.

As I figured I would be, I was speechless. She was still a beautiful woman. The purple scarf that was tied around her head magnified the hazel in her eyes. You could see the fine tuft of hair at the base of her scalp that was so fine, it was almost invisible. You could tell her cheeks were sunken in and the dark around her eyes was prominent, but the way she smiled when she saw me, all I saw was her grace.

She extended her hand to me, "I would get up and hug you honey but stinker here is lying on my arm and I don't think any of us want him awake before it's time." I reached for her hand and she squeezed it before letting it go. Her voice was soft, but she appeared dauntless and brave.

I expected to see a fearful, unhappy woman. Instead I saw the epitome of hero who was living her last days with hope and contentment. Something most days I didn't even have on my own, and my situation was nothing compared to hers.

"Don't worry about the hug; I'll remind you after Eth wakes up. It's really nice to meet you Esme. Edward has talked so much about you, I feel like I know you already." Esme eyes glanced to Edward's and I saw him smirk as he looked down as his feet.

"Why don't you have a seat Bella, get comfortable?" I sat in one of the wicker chairs across from her.

I watched Edward squat down beside her chaise lounge and ask her a series of questions. Do you need anything? Hungry? Thirsty? Feeling okay?

I took the time to observe her figure from a distance. She looked so frail, thin skin stretched across brittle bones. She was already a petite woman, probably not five feet tall. She resembled a child lying there.

She shooed him off and told him to tend to something downstairs. He stood and grinned before asking me if I needed anything. I told him no and he winked at me, _again_, and announced he would be back in a minute.

I smiled and watched him leave the room before returning to gaze out of the wall of windows in front of me.

"Isn't it lovely?" Esme asked. She must have noticed my admiration of the bare nature.

"Yes, this view is almost magical. I love nature and all its beauty. This is breathtaking."

"I agree. This was my birthday present from Carlisle. There used to be just a patio here. He had this done about four months ago. I tend to never leave it now."

"Wow, what a perfect present."

"That's exactly what I said!" Esme laughed. "I too love the outdoors, I just don't have the energy to enjoy it like I used to, so this was Carlisle's way of giving me something he knew I was missing."

We both looked over at Ethan as he snored loudly before rolling over. We quietly snickered. She was able to sneak her arm out from underneath him.

"So, Bella, I'm sure you're wondering why I wanted to meet you. As you may know, I count my blessings now as I never have before, and I never pass by a chance to say thank you. So thank you. You're doing something for my family that gives us all a reason to smile and that's this baby." She reached over and gently caressed his head.

"That's not all though. Edward has told me what close friends you two have become, and I know that this may be overstepping my motherly duty, but I have a favor to ask of you. I know Edward has friends, but I also know how he hides his emotions. Soon Bella, he'll need a friend like he never has before." I saw the glistering of her eyes as they began to tear.

"Will you promise to me to be there for him? Help him get through it. I know you've only known me for a few minutes, and you don't owe me any favors. Just count it as a mother's last wish. I worry about him. He's a momma's boy. It's going to break his heart."

She looked down at Ethan and continued to smooth his hair. I faintly heard the sound of music cascading through the room. It sounded soft and soothing.

"Of course Esme. I don't know if Edward has told you, but I really don't have very many friends, so the ones I do have, I guard with all my heart. I'll do the best I can."

"Thank you Bella."

We then fell into an easy conversation about Forks and Seattle. She said she remembered me from high school and I wished I knew her then. She told me she went to school with my dad. It was just as easy to talk to her as it was to talk to Edward. She told me funny stories about Jasper, Emmett and Edward. I felt silly now for being nervous about meeting her.

She sighed as we both just looked out at the blanket of green shadowed by the slow dancing clouds above.

"There are people who are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful thorns have roses. So tell me lovely Isabella, which type of person are you?"

Her question was complex and deep. It knocked on the closed door of my subconscious.

"Um, okay. I'd have to say I'm both. I'd say there are days when I approach the roses and I just want to lie directly underneath them, surround myself with their beauty. I want to blind my vision with their vibrant colors, stoke their silk petals and drowned my senses in their fragrance. I just ignore the thorns; pretend they can't hurt me, convince myself that the wounds will heal quickly and not leave any scars. I just give in to my desires, no restraints." I spoke the truth; there was no reason to hold back with Esme. I could let down my guard and pour out my honesty to her.

"Then there are times in my life when I see the roses and I can only admire them from afar. I warn myself not to get close. Nothing good could ever come from enjoying them. The gratification of the roses will be fleeting and temporary. The blooms will die and wilt and I'll never be the same after their piercing wound. The prick will be too much and I'm afraid... I'll never be able to get over that pain. The thorns are all I seem to see. I completely disregard every other beautiful thing about the blooms. Most of the time, I end up kicking myself because I realize I may never, ever encounter a beautiful rose like that again, and I missed my chance." I was sure she could read in between the lines. This held true for so many things in my life.

"So that's me. I always seem to be straddling the fence one way or another. Can you just tell me how do you do it Esme? How do you get up every day knowing that it just may be your last? Maybe I'm weak, but I'm not sure I could face the world, especially with a smile like you're doing." I so admired her bravery.

"You're not weak Bella. You've heard the expression, when the world gives you lemons... That's what you do, you make lemonade. There are days my physical body feels wonderful, but my soul cries out in distress. I curse the sun for shining. I scream at the thunder for allowing my ears to hear it one more time. I hate the rain for falling and watering the earth. Those are the days I just want to go ahead and die. I feel as though still living is torturing me and everyone around me."

Esme stopped speaking for a minute and a few tears slowly crept down her cheeks. She stared out of the open pane at the lush forest before us.

Then her sadness faded from her face and she smiled a warm smile, and the whole room glowed from her natural beauty.

"Then there are days that every cell in my body throbs, my head spins and I wake up smiling because I... woke... up. I'm still breathing. I get to kiss my husband's lips one more time. I get to hear Edward and Emmett's voice again, and now I get to think about how my Ethan is brightening the world one grin at a time. Those days I don't want to die, Bella, but I choose to live in the happiness, not in the sorrow."

She turned to look into my eyes as her words sunk in, "It's a choice my dear, how you live your life...it is a choice."

She was speaking from her heart. This lovely woman was letting me in. I held down the lump that was growing inside my throat as now my own tears threatened to spill over. I stood up and walked over to squat beside her chair. One of her frail hands caressed my hair as the other one held my hand that I laid in her lap.

"When you build walls to keep out your sadness and your pain, you also keep out your joy. That's no way to live. Take it from someone whose days are numbered. Don't ever stop smelling the roses, Bella. Face the thorns without fear. Welcome the probable discomfort because it means you still have heart, you can still... feel."

I laid my head over in her lap and we just sat there. Her comforting me as though she was my own mother and I was the one who needed it. I smiled at the irony of the situation, she was the strong one and I was the weak. She continued to finger my hair and began to sing aloud with the music in the back ground. It was so faint all you could hear was her peaceful voice. I closed my eyes and delighted myself to the sounds of angels. Well, just one angel.

_There's a place of quiet stillness 'tween the light and shadows reach  
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace  
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet  
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet_

_There is a place where hope remains  
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains  
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet  
Where joy and sorrow meet_

\o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/

_**Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete.  
If you're alive, it isn't. **_

_**~Richard Bach **_

\o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/ \o/

* * *

**Song above is by Avalon, "Where Joy & Sorrow Meet." **

**Renee & Charlie don't have big rolls in this fic, so don't expect it. **

**ADC has been recc'd on a few blogs, I try to list them on my profile. Let's just say I almost poo'd myself when it happened! If you rec or pimp out my lil-o-fic, I would like to know. I want to give credit where credit is due. **

**From the bottom of my Rob-luvin heart, thank you all! **

**Twitter: Mrs_Robward**

**Go! Review! MakeMeSmile. **

**~*X*~**

_There's a place of quiet stillness 'tween the light and shadows reach  
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace  
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet  
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet_

_There is a place where hope remains  
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains  
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet  
Where joy and sorrow meet_

_There's a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat  
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief  
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak  
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet_

_There is a place where hope remains  
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains  
And tears that fall on Jesus' feet  
Where joy and sorrow meet_

_There's a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep  
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep  
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat  
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet _


	6. Ch 6, More Forks, Roses, & Some Dancing

**Beirbeck beta'd. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

**Songs & outfit are linked on my profile (if u like that kinda thing).**

**(P.S. It really sets the mood to listen to the songs at end of chapter, you'll know when...) **

* * *

**~*V*~**

_One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. _

_~Sophocles _

**~*V*~**

I'm not sure how long Esme and I sat there wrapped in our little cocoon of silence. The song she sung had long ended and another had begun as she stayed quiet.

My legs were tucked under me and I was still crouched on the floor beside her with my head in her lap. Her hands continued to caress my hair as only a mother could.

I felt her shift slightly and her hand moved to the table next to the couch. She picked up a remote of sorts, and then I heard a low-pitched buzz. Some of the windows automatically opened up around us and the hum of the music was gone. I lifted my head in amazement as the breathtaking scenery before us was now open and inviting. I closed my eyes to savor the bouquet of pine and forest. The sounds of the gentle breeze rattling the tall tree tops, and the stream babbling its familiar language to the rocks as it flowed by surrounded us.

Then I heard the familiar sound of Mr. McSnoreyPants waking from his nap. He mumbled "Me-me" before he climbed into Esme's lap and laid his head on her chest. She wrapped her weak arms around him and held him as long as he would let her, pebbling his crimson locks with showers of kisses.

I started to get up so I could get closer to the open window, at the same time Ethan yelled, "Bub" and Edward appeared in the doorway. He watched me stand and his brow seemed to question what in the world I was doing on the floor. He mouthed "you okay?" and I nodded my head. I swallowed hard and thought about how okay I actually was. Edward placed his hand on my back and trailed his fingers around my waist as he passed me on his way over to his mother and Ethan.

I shivered as his touch left me and I glanced at him. His eyes filled with affection and admiration for his two loves before him. Simple touches never meant so much to me as they did now. I guess doing without makes you appreciate the small intimacies, no matter how miniscule they are.

I walked over to the window and let my face warm from the few sun rays that broke through the confines of the clouds. The breeze was mild and the sound of sparse birds chirping throughout the forest was calming.

I wiped away all remnants of tears that had slowly wet my face. No sobbing, no bawling, not even really crying – just sluggish, heavy salt water droplets that spilled over from too much sentiment, too much... _feeling._

I folded my arms around each other and rubbed at my forearms.

Esme announced that she and Ethan were going downstairs to grab a bite to eat. Edward offered to carry Ethan for her and she swatted at his hand, telling him she was quite capable. Ethan could walk and hold his Me-Me's hand, she declared. Edward threw his hands up in surrender as she slowly rose from her chaise lounge and Ethan stuck right to her thigh.

"You need to show Bella around," she demanded and then winked at him. Edward chuckled at her bossiness and shook his head. His hands were crammed in the pockets of his dark jeans and he was looking down as his crossed feet.

He suddenly appeared shy and uneasy, like he was out of his element. I took a step toward him and the open window. I bumped his elbow with mine as I stood on my tip-toes to peer out. He looked up at me with his head still bent down.

"So how did it go? You know, with my mom?" He removed his hands from his pockets and came to stand behind me and the open window. He opened his arms wide and placed one on each side of the window pane boxing me in. The breeze whipped between us and caused his scent to swirl around me, encasing me like a tornado. I discretely closed my eyes and breathed him in.

"She's one magnificent woman, Edward. She's brave, wise, elegant, I mean, I can only pray to someday be half the woman she is." I glanced up to be enraptured by his olive orbs that reflected a deep intensity that caused me to quickly look away.

"You shouldn't always be so down on yourself Bella." He said still looking at me as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He let one extended arm fall behind me and stroke the length of my back. He then stopped at the small of my back to rest his hand before leaning forward to ask me if I was ready for my tour.

I excitedly nodded my head and he lead me through the hall, down a spiral staircase and out into the back yard.

As soon as we reached the edge of the patio, I slipped off my Birkie's. Edward laughed as I wiggled my painted toes before stepping onto the soft sod. I shrugged and he followed suit, taking off his shoes and placing them beside mine.

His hands were shoved in his pockets again as we began to walk through the massive, beautifully manicured lawn. My steps a little quicker than his, I would stop and wait on him as I looked around in awe.

"Bella, you lived in Forks most of your life, why do you act like this is the first time you've ever been here?" Edward questioned as we walked toward the small stream.

"It seems so different to me. I don't remember Forks ever looking like this! Maybe it's because I've lived in the city for so long and I don't get to see a view like this often. Or maybe it's that I'm finally all grown up and mature and ...I actually can appreciate it now. Who knows, but I feel like I'm visiting a foreign place and experiencing unknown land under my feet."

It was true. I don't remember Forks looking like an image straight out of my dreams. The air was crisp and clean. The grass was vibrant and soft. The deep forest was inviting and protective. I only wished I would have relished it then. But then again, maybe it was the allure of Edward and the Cullens. Their home, their love and respect for each other, their appreciation for me. They could turn my darkest dreams into visions of fairies and unicorns.

We reached the bank of the stream and I picked up a flat rock and skipped it across the shallow water. Edward bent down and let the water ripple through his fingers. I bravely stuck my toes in and squealed when I felt how cold the water was.

We continued on our walk along the edge of the forest and Edward began to talk about some of his favorite memories here as a child. I let his memories play through my mind, grinning like a fool the whole time.

We came to one of the many flower beds that were placed throughout the backyard. The conversation I just had with Esme foremost in my thoughts as I approached the blanket of flowers. I brushed each petal within my reach. I took note of the variety of textures and patterns. I leaned forward and sniffed every type of flower present. Then as I worked my way down, I stood before the multitude of rose bushes growing in the corner of the garden. There were pink Mary roses and cream mermaid brute roses growing beside white Nancy Steele late roses and beautiful, vibrant red roses.

Edward had walked on in front of me and was looking at a bird's nest tucked in a small tree. I glimpsed from the roses to Edward and then back again. I held back touching the roses, not necessarily fearing the thorns, but just not... touching. The thorns were mocking me, daring me to go ahead, let go and just … feel. I balled my fists as I looked at Edward again. He turned to smile at me and it brought tears to my eyes as I smiled back. There was no doubting that Edward was my rose, he was something I yearned to reach out and embrace. I wanted to pull him close and delight myself in him.

But I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

If only he wasn't my client, or more importantly, one of my few, closest friends. The thorns that were woven around my heart would keep him at a distance. I couldn't draw him in any closer. The pain would be too much.

But that wouldn't stop me from wishing that he could at least be the friend I needed him to help me free my soul from the lonely hiding place it dwelled. Maybe he holds the powerful clippers that could prune my thorns from my heart. .

I turned away from him and dried my tears. I took a deep breath and went to join Edward in admiring the small nest. Then suddenly I stopped, and a rise of fear assaulted my thoughts. I realized we had no way to communicate with Esme.

What if she needed us?

"What?" Edward asked, looking at me strangely.

"Your mother. What if she needs us? Ethan?" I rambled in a hushed tone, almost as if I was too scared to say the words.

"Don't worry Bella. I've got it covered. She has a pager. Ya know, like 'I've fallen and I can't get up' type thing. It will call mine and Emmett's cell and it will also dial my dad, the hospital and 911."

"Oh," I mouthed as we continued on our path, shaking off my unnecessary fears.

We reached the weeping willow and I skipped over to plop my big butt in the bench swing. I motioned with my head for Edward to join me and patted the empty spot beside me.

"So tell me Rico Suave, how many girls have you brought home to meet your parents?" I cringed as I saw Edward scoff at my question. I didn't think before I spoke and that sounded really bad. I quickly tried to clean up my word vomit.

"I mean, I know you didn't bring me here for that reason... um, and..." I puffed out my cheeks and blew the air out loudly as I tucked my hands under my legs. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that, it's none of my business. I was just thinking how welcoming your mother was and... damn."

"No," Edward laughed, "I don't mind. I just didn't expect to hear you ask THAT. It's almost embarrassing to answer, but it was the summer right after we graduated high school. For my graduation present I got to spend two weeks in Hawaii. A few days before I was to return home, I met this chick from California. I was crushin' pretty hard on her, and we were leaving to fly back to the mainland at the same time, so I invited her here for a few days."

He groaned loudly before continuing on. "Big mistake! In the first forty-eight hours, she'd hit on my Dad before she made a pass at my mother. Emmett then walked in on her going through my dresser drawers while I was in the shower. Needless to say we called her a cab within the hour."

I tried not to laugh at his situation, so I tucked my lips into my teeth. Edward kicked off the ground and we started swinging. "Really, it's been that long ago?"

"Yes, it ended in disaster, remember. Damaged me for life." He shook his head and looked up at the sky with a sad look on his face. He glanced down at me before playfully squeezing my knee. Just then I realized Edward is the touchy-feely type. _Me likey._

"I'm kidding. No one has been special enough to bring home since, and what's-her-face back then wasn't really worth it either." Edward said as he kept up our swinging.

"Um, Hello!" I said as I pointed both hands to myself. "Special!" I declared before I whispered, "Just jokin', seriously." I shook my head and tucked my hands back under my legs.

Edward chuckled, "Yes, you're right, that didn't include you. You **are** special Bella."

I didn't look over at him to see if he was kidding or not. I just needed to change the conversation. Quickly.

"May I ask, Edward, what caused you to change so much? I remember back in high school you...uh, how do I say it? Got around. You know, withtheladies. You seem so different now? Why?"

He stared off in the distance and bit his bottom lip. He then swung one arm behind me on the bench and turned toward me slightly.

"Well, honestly in school I had a certain image to maintain. I didn't ask for it, but I didn't fight against it either. Being Mr. Stud Muffin was just who I was." He snickered as I huffed and rolled my eyes.

"Seriously though, I just followed along with what everyone expected of me. I let popular vote determine whom I dated and who I took to Prom, Homecoming, parties. I was pretty pathetic back then. If I could, I'd go back and change it. There was a whole other side of me my so-called 'friends' never knew. It's just how it was."

We sat there not saying anything for a few minutes. I was kinda shocked Edward admitted he was like a puppet in school. I wouldn't have guessed that in a million years, he just seemed to always have it together. All perfect... and cool... and ...dreamy.

"We'd better head in. Ethan will have Mom tuckered out in no time. If you hadn't noticed, she's a tad bit on the stubborn side. She won't admit when she's had enough of him." We started walking back to the house.

When we got to the door Edward reached for the door handle but stopped to look at me. "Sometime soon, I'd like to share with you some more about the things I enjoyed back then -- in high school. The real me. The side few knew. "

He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders waiting on my answer.

"I'd love to know that Edward Cullen," I all but gushed.

I was puzzled at what about him could have been so much different?

We ventured inside, and for the rest of the evening everything was pleasant and relaxing. We ordered delivery pizza for supper and Ethan ate his favorite, a pb&j sandwich. Esme, Edward and I scrunched up together on the couch in the living room to watch the newest Disney DVD while Ethan crawled back and forth on top of us all.

Once Edward raised both of his arms to hug the back of the couch, one behind me and the other behind Esme, and within minutes Ethan jumped right on Edwards unguarded jewels, doubling him over in pain. Esme and I held back our giggles as Ethan still hung like a monkey onto Edward's neck.

Before the movie was over, Ethan was asleep nuzzled in between Edward and me, and Esme was fighting dozing off. I sat there wondering how I was going to get home.

I should have never even thought about it because seconds later my cell phone rang. It was dad offering to pick me up. He was passing by the neighborhood on his way home from patrol. He told me to meet him in the driveway in about five minutes.

I quickly said my goodbye to Esme, not knowing when I would see her again, but hoping it would be soon. I kissed Ethan's cheek and then another small peck on his forehead before Edward offered to walk me out.

Here it was again, awkwardness. This time we were on Edward's porch, not mine. I bit at my bottom lip as we stood there under the dim light of Edward's castle – I mean, uh -- house.

Edward took a step closer to me. Once again he put his arms around my back to pull me in and hug me. Just a simple, friendly hug. I wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him in return. I closed my eyes as I rested my cheek against his chest. He whispered thanks into my hair and I nodded my head. I knew he was talking about Esme. I softly spoke 'you're welcome' and we swayed back and forth in our little hug bubble. This was another one of those small gestures that I couldn't get enough of.

Edward was making me come to terms with how lonely I actually was.

We released each other as I heard Charlie's cruiser turning onto Edward's street, but not before I felt Edward kiss the top of my head. If it wasn't so dark outside he would have seen the rush of blood staining my cheeks. I looked down as I smiled to myself; it meant more to me that he would ever know.

~*V*~

The ride back to Mom and Dad's was spent in silence. Dad had his scanner turned up so we listened to Sue Clearwater chat with the other cops, relaying information and telling jokes.

Riding in the cruiser with my father brought back many a memory. Most were pleasant, it always made me feel important until I became a teenager then I was mortified to be seen in it.

Thankfully, Dad could sense my heavy heart and didn't even try and make small talk. I just stared out of the window, replaying the ups and downs of the day.

When I walked into the house, I hugged them both with sincerity. Even though I distanced myself from them, I still didn't want to lose them. I secretly vowed to be a better daughter, involving myself more in their lives. When the time came, I wanted no regrets. They must have understood my motives. I heard no snarky comments or belittling questions, they both returned my embrace with love. I excused myself for the night and crawled into the comfort of my old bed. I pulled the covers over my head and sang myself to sleep, trying to sort the cluster of emotions that had accumulated in my soul.

~*V*~

The next morning was spent with my folks and I back to our normal badgering. We sat around the kitchen table conversing over a late breakfast before we moved into the living room to watch football. Dad had asked about Esme's health, and I explained the best I could. He said he regretted not telling me to send her well wishes from him and I promised to pass them on to Edward.

Edward called to say he and Ethan would be at my house about two o'clock, and to make sure I would be ready. I was bracing myself for him to meet my parents, and the undeniable embarrassment that would ensue.

Yet, they surprised me.

When Edward and Ethan arrived, they were on their best behavior. My mother was immediately enamored with Ethan and Dad started easy conversation with Edward, asking about his family before the talk of professional sports began.

I sat back and watched. I was proud of them. Then again I realized I hadn't brought another guy here since Mike, and that was so many moons ago. They probably forgot how to embarrass me and I was soooo thankful.

Edward kept glancing at me during my dad's harangue and I mouthed 'I'm sorry' every time our eyes met. He would gently shake his head and laugh at Charlie's banter.

I joined Renee & Ethan on the couch. She was trying to keep him still with a few toys Edward had brought in. It wasn't working. Ethan crawled over into my lap as soon as I sat down and his hands went into the back of my hair to twirl it around his tiny hand. It was something new he had started a few days ago. Whenever I hold him, he plays with my hair, sometimes until he falls asleep. He must already be tired. He laid his head on my chest and I gave him a squeeze. He discontinued his fidgeting and relaxed in my lap.

Edward and Charlie were soon standing over us and mom was admiring me holding Ethan. I swear I think she was about to cry.

Then she couldn't hold back any longer, "Look Bella, he loves you like you're his mommy," she cooed.

"Mother!" Did she have to say something to piss me off and embarrass me in front of Edward? I -- in no way -- wanted him to think that I thought of Ethan as my own!

"It's true," Renee whispered as she fingered Ethan's hair and looked at Edward.

I was too busy looking for a hole to bury myself in when I saw Edward agree with her out of my periphery. I quickly looked at him to only see him look away from me.

"I can't wait for you to have your own children someday Bells. You will be a wonderful mother."

_Oh dear God, will she ever shut up?_

"Please, you know how it is. Just don't." I pleaded as I snuggled Ethan tighter in my lap and fought back the tears caused by Renee putting me in a position like this. She knew firsthand what I had been through with my miscarriage, and yet she acted as though it never happened. She heard straight from the doctor's mouth that it may be a problem for me to carry a baby full term in the future. Yet, here she sat; thinking out loud about an impossibility and making me feel like shit.

Edward squatted down beside Ethan and me, resting his hand on my knee, giving it a squeeze. "She's right you know. Someday you will be a wonderful mother." His eyes piercing my heart and the words he spoke filling me with such hope that it hurt.

He then looked to Renee and winked at her. She gave him this smile back that made me want to yell because it was like they were having a conversation without even talking.

"You ready to leave?" He asked rising from his knees to gather Ethan's toys.

I nodded my head eagerly all the while thinking 'yes please! NOW!'

We said our goodbyes and I was never more thankful to be heading away from Forks. I may be overly dramatic towards my parents, but I learned the hard way that once their comments start, they only go downhill -- at warp speed. Next she would probably ask Edward when he was going to propose.

Once in the car, I apologized every half hour to Edward. He told me to quit apologizing, but I didn't.

Our ride home was nice. Ethan slept most of the way. Edward and I just chatted about nothing important, before slipping into our content silence. I took every chance I could to gaze at him. I memorized his profile and studied the art of his strong arms and hands. I had to look away every time he wet his lips and my fingers would twitch watching him run his own through his hair. I examined his lean body as he relaxed into the seat of the Volvo and as bad as I didn't want to admit to myself, I just wanted to touch him. I wanted my hands on him. I ached to just feel his warmth against me.

I brooded over the realization that my crush on Edward was still in full-swing. The ten years we'd been apart had not done anything to quench the infatuation. No, all it took was being his in presence that would make the frenzy of butterflies in my gut stir with hysteria.

I questioned how I would ever get over this. I knew that I valued our new found friendship so much, I couldn't risk trying for anything more.

_Friends._

~*V*~

I spent the rest of Sunday night and Monday trying to NOT think about you-know-who.

I couldn't deny that Tuesday I was excited because I had planned to spend the day with Edward and Ethan hanging out at their place. I needed to log some hours of observation and conveniently none of the time we had been spent together was in my log book.

_Oh well._

We spent the day barefoot and lazy. We all played on the floor. We ran around the apartment pretending to be airplanes, and we all cozied up on Edward's bed to take a nap. To say I was in paradise would be an understatement. When it was us three, I felt as though I belonged, they made me feel that way.

When Edward suggested we go into his bedroom to lie with Ethan and take a nap, I did hesitate, briefly. It was no secret that I sometimes mumbled in my sleep and that would be one conversation I would rather not have. It also felt invading, like Edward's bedroom was the Holiest of Holies and I wasn't worthy. It was very intimate. Even though Ethan was snuggled up in the middle of us, my body reacted to Edward being so near...on the bed...with me.

I sat up to tuck my arm under Ethan's tiny body as we lay down, and Edward stretched his arm out to be under my shoulders. I didn't protest even though I did want to lean over and lick it.

_No! No! No!_

The back of my hand fell at Edward's waist and I felt the searing touch of his bare skin. I glanced out of the corner of my eye and Edward's shirt had ridden up slightly under his back, and the sliver of skin that was exposed above his jeans was right there. I tried not to move my hand. I didn't want to acknowledge the skin-on-skin contact, fearing he would strip me of my enjoyment.

I relaxed to the best of my ability and concentrated on their breathing. As soon as they both settled down, and I knew they were dozing, I slightly turned on my side to bring my two men into view.

I gently as possible moved my hand to feel Edward's skin on the back of my fingers. My breathing hitched at the guilty pleasure I was stealing. I ghosted and traced every inch of skin that had been granted to me before tucking the tips of my fingers in the waist band of his jeans. I left my fingers there as I turned to rest on my back again.

_I'm such a perv._

Pathetic.

~*V*~

Ethan woke us jumping on the bed a couple of hours later. I giggled as I rolled over toward Edward. He was stretching his arms above his head and I slowly took in his body until I reached his waist. I froze when I remembered my assault on his bare skin. To say I blushed in humiliation would be putting it nicely.

I stumbled off the bed and out of Edward's bedroom. I was crazy for putting myself in these types of predicaments. If I wanted to keep Edward as my friend I had to find a way to convince myself to get over him. The awkwardness I was feeling toward him wasn't helping anything, and I needed his friendship too much to damage it with my petty feelings.

I made up an excuse to leave and jumped the first bus toward the loft. Before I left, we had discussed Emmett's birthday party Thursday night and Edward had offered to pick me up in the Vanquish that he knew I loved so much. I agreed, but only after a whole internal monologue of telling myself it was only a friendly date and not a REAL-date!

_I WAS NOT DATING EDWARD CULLEN!_

There.

I spent all day Wednesday and Thursday desensitizing (or trying to) my feelings for Edward. I constantly chanted 'we are just friends – We. Are. Just. Friends. Get over it, nothing more!'

Better.

_Maybe._

~*V*~

Six o'clock Thursday night I was frantically digging through my closet. My clothes were haphazardly strewn about and my head was starting to ache from the big ass rollers stuck in my hair. I needed wine.

Lots of wine.

In the kitchen, I grabbed the first bottle I saw, popped the cork, and took a gulp before even searching for a glass. I rested my hip against the counter and fought the urge to crawl into bed and forget about even going. I tried remembering the last time I went out socially with a group of 'friends.' Years! Like maybe early marriage years.

_Damn._

Instead of curling up into a ball and cowering on the floor, I trudged back into my closet to find something to wear. I stopped in the doorway of my closet, bottle of wine in one hand and empty glass in the other. I took a deep breath, poured me a glass full, set the bottle outside the closet, and just stood there.

Instead of fingering through every single hanger, I let my eyes search the small walk-in closet. Slowly and tediously, my vision combed the clothes, just looking. My roaming stopped when in the back of my closet I saw the plastic from the Macy's bag dangling below the other articles.

That was the one. That outfit that I had never worn. I bought it to wear out on New Year's Eve last year and for reasons now that I don't recall, I didn't go.

I always dressed more conservatively than this and it was definitely more flirtatious and fun than my usual outfits, but with the power of the wine I muttered, "Why the fuck not!"

I grabbed the black Juicy Couture Merino ruffled skirt and tank with the cute little vest and headed toward the bathroom to transform myself into Bella-who-wasn't-nervous-as-hell for her first non-date in a decade.

_Yep, that's me._

~*V*~

Two hours later, completely ready and relaxed – per the wine -- I sat at my kitchen table. I drummed my fingers on the wood along with the beat that echoed from my stereo and glanced at my fingernails. It wouldn't hurt me to keep them out from between my teeth and actually get a manicure.

Three loud knocks on my door caused me to jump up from the table. Somehow I had sat there for thirty minutes in a complete daze.

Before I could even reach the door, there were two more loud bangs, and I yelled "hold up" as I was unlocking the door.

"Impatient much?" I asked as I opened the door to see Edward glancing back and forth at the small corridor around him. He was dressed in a gray two button polo and black pants. Effortless and gorgeous.

I watched his eyes roam my outfit and I playfully posed for him. His eyes grew big and I immediately freaked out and thought the worst. "Oh my God, I should go change right? This is way inappropriate and...just hang on..." Humiliated I turned to go back to my bedroom before I felt Edward catch my arm.

He spun me around and I almost lost my footing. I crashed into him and caught my balance gripping his sides and my face planted against his shoulder.

I froze.

I glanced at my elbow that Edward was still holding before slowly raising my head to meet his eyes. I then realized his other hand was against my waist and he quietly said, "Bella, please don't change. You look beautiful. You just... caught me off-guard."

Where in the hell was my boldness from just minutes ago, and why wasn't the wine making me feel all confident and shit anymore?

"Are you sure?" I asked as I felt my eyes start to well up. "It's just been so long Edward, and I feel so out of my comfort zone."

As if Edward could read my mind, he pulled me in close for another one of his all-perfect, reassuring hugs. I calmed myself in his warmth and had to stop a groan from escaping my throat as I wrapped my arms around his waist to return his embrace.

"I promise Bella, it'll be fine. At anytime if you want to leave all you have to do is tell me and I'll bring you home. No questions asked, okay?"

I took a deep breath and nodded my head against him. I didn't want to let go. I was already feeling more at ease in the past minutes since I opened my door than I had felt all day.

Edward didn't let go either. We stood there until I felt my knees getting weak. I loosened my grasp and he barely let me move. He place two fingers under my chin and gently brought my face to look at him. My eyes immediately dancing between his eyes and his lips. His were doing the same and time seemed to slow to a still.

I pulled the corner of my lip into my teeth because every freakin' nerve in my body was on sensory overload. I saw Edward moisten this lips and I swear I think I stopped breathing. His thumb slowly grazed my chin, and then moved to pull my lip out of my teeth and his brow wrinkled in concentration. He gradually leaned forward and I DID. NOT. MOVE.

I closed my eyes as his face became only millimeters from mine. I could smell the mint from his mouthwash and the heat from his breath. My heartbeat was erratic and I was sure I forgot my name.

His lips placed a long, sensual kiss on my cheek that was awful damn close to the corner of my mouth. So close that I wanted to reach out my tongue to lap up any remnants of it.

I was practically panting when I started breathing again and he whispered in my ear, "Bella you positively look stunning. Please be my date tonight."

No words. Yep, that was me. Something along the lines of "huhuhuhuh" rolled out of my mouth and I hastily nodded my head.

He then stepped a step back and licked his lips again, _God, he needs to stop doing that_. "You ready?" he asked.

I held up my pointer finger telling him to wait and I walked back into my bedroom. I glanced into the mirror one more time before grabbing my small clutch purse off the bed. I blew out a deep breath and stepped into the kitchen. I grabbed the bottle of wine and tried to finish it off real quick in one swallow. I almost did it too. I needed all the help I could get.

After Edward walked me down and I slid into his car, I tried not to over-analyze what just happened and what he just said. Because it sounded like he said "Be my date," but I must have misunderstood. He didn't mean like a real date, guy-girl thing, I'm sure. He just meant _"we will be there with a bunch of couples so come and sit by me in case I need someone to talk to"_ date.

That I could handle.

I also felt obliged to address the whole Jasper is my boss part of the night that should be foremost in my thoughts.

The problem was I had not spoken yet, I don't think my mind was capable of putting syllables together. Edward had reduced my thinking process to that of a blob of goo.

I opened my mouth numerous times before I was finally able to speak. "Um.. I.. See.. " Well it was close to talking.

"What is it Bella?" Edward reached over to place his hand on mine in the seat. Damn, if I didn't watch myself I would start regressing.

"Tonight, Jasper will be there. My boss. I would like to keep job. Not allowed to date clients. So we behave. Ya know?" I spoke with my hand flying around and even though my sentences were incoherent, I think he understood.

"Okay first, relax. Second, don't worry a thing about Jaz. Third, I am expecting you to have fun. Got it? Tonight you are not in the office and Jasper is your friend, not your boss. Hell, I'll even go as far to say that this evening you're not my lawyer, I'm not your client, we're just two friends getting together to go on a date? Whaddayasay?" He quickly glanced at me and raised his eyebrows.

"Well, that sounds perfect and...I'll try my best, but just know a massive amount of alcohol will be needed. Seriously." I meant it too.

"You do whatever you need to baby. You have a designated driver right here."

_What was that he said? Because after he said 'baby' all I heard was "wah-wah-wah wah-wah."_

Our ride was spent mostly in silence and for that I was glad. I was still in shock from the words as in 'beautiful, my, date, stunning, baby...'

_Was I dreaming?_

Edward had told me that Esme was having a good day today. She and Carlisle were at Edward's place watching Ethan. She comes to Seattle every other week for a special treatment not available in Forks and they usually stay a couple of days with Edward.

We arrived at The Hole on the outskirts of the city and I was pleasantly surprised. Instead of it being a literal hole in the wall as the name suggested, it was very snazzy. When I think of a bar, I think of neon lights, smoke-filled rooms, staggering drunks, and ..sluts. Not sure why, it's just the image in my head.

This was more what I would call a lounge. It was classy and well decorated. There was a small dance floor and a stage. The typical disco ball and flashy lights hung around it. Round tables filled the empty space and the classic long bar was along the back wall.

Edward led me over to a corner table that was secluded and slightly larger than the others. Mr. Whitlock – I mean Jasper and Alice were already seated there.

We said our hellos. Alice hugging us both before Jasper gave me and Edward a strange look. I hadn't forgotten about what he said before about Alice and her 'feelings.'

_Preposterous._

I sat quietly in my seat sipping on my Cosmo, only speaking when spoken to. Not long after I finished my first drink, because that is all I had to keep up with time, was my empty glasses, Emmett arrived. I squinted my eyes to see who was on his arm. I couldn't see her face but she clearly was exquisite.

I turned back around in time to thank the waitress for my second drink when Edward stood to hug Emmett. I spun in my seat and then almost fell to the floor.

"Rose?!"

_What the hell?_

"Hello Bella, so glad you could make it." Rose winked at me as she approached to give me a hug.

"I...I..I. What?... You and Emmett? How?" This thing with me unable to make complete sentences was becoming a problem.

"I told you that I didn't want to jinx it, but now you know." She grinned deviously.

I took a deep breath before continuing, "But how? How did you meet HIM?" I wonder just how much she knew about their situation.

"Do you remember that night when Em brought you home from um," she pointed her head towards Edward, "I thought I had a flat and was pulled over about a block from the loft. Emmett stopped to see if I needed any help. The rest is history, so to say."

"Wow," I mumbled as I plopped back down in my seat and grabbed my drink. "We'll have to talk more about it later."

"Sure!" She sashayed back over to Emmett's arm and they continued their round of greetings.

Per usual, the more I drank the more relaxed I became and it didn't take many. I finally was able to laugh and enjoy myself. I included myself in their conversations and I proudly even flirted a little with Edward. Well, I thought it was flirting; slowly licking my teeth, sticking out my boobs, staring uncontrollably at him, those kinds of things. I soon felt the numbing buzz in my lips so I knew it was time to slow down on the liquid courage.

Alice, Rose, and I danced a few times to some hip hop songs as the guys stayed at the table. It was the first time in a long time I was actually having fun amongst friends. The knot in my stomach never relented though each time I allowed myself to become enraptured by Edward. I eyeballed him every chance I got.

_What's the term? Eye candy._

The place began to clear out as the night wore on. Needless to say, Alice had some pull on the music they played since her father owned the place. She and Jasper took to the dance floor, followed by Emmett and Rose.

Edward was sitting across from me and we sat quietly through the song watching them glide along the dance floor. The song came to an end and I shifted my eyes to watch him.

Edward with this elbows on the table in front of him leaned toward me. Our eyes met and locked as I watched him pull his bottom lip under his teeth, "Let's dance."

I still felt bold thanks to the plethora of drinks and in true Bella fashion I licked my lips before answering, "Okay."

"Okay?" He asked me as he dropped his hands and leaned back in his chair.

He slowly stood and extended his hand for mine. My nerves still relaxed and my body slightly buzzed. We walked toward the small dance floor. Jasper and Alice, Rose and Emmett were already stealing the show, so there was no doubt in my mind we could blend among them.

Our left hands joined in front of us and he slipped his right arm around my waist. He turned his head to whisper in my ear, "Do you tango?" His warm breath causing me to slightly shiver.

I slowed nodded my head before I glanced down at the floor and then back up at him through my lashes. He raised his eyebrows in question and I replied with a boast, "Bring it."

"You really shouldn't have said that." His green eyes began to twinkle under the lights as we reached the edge of the wooden dance floor.

We squared up to begin our moves, the music had already started.

His hand gripped my waist while we began to circle the floor, keeping perfect steps with each other while never losing eye contact. He would try and upstage me by adding a spin and I would answer him with a leg kick or a dip. I felt the vibration through his fingertips as his chest rumbled with laughter. I couldn't stop myself from giggling along with him. This was only the second time I had ever displayed my dancing skills among peers, the other was my wedding.

In times like these, I was proud to be a music nerd who had took dancing lessons practically her whole life.

His face became serious and he began to mouth the words as they belted from the speakers,_ "Curl your upper lip up and let me look around. Ride your tongue along your bottom lip then bite down and bend your back and ask those hips if I can touch 'cause they're the perfect jumping off point..."_

Whether it was Edward or the lyrics or the music or a combination of all three, I was mesmerized. As we danced I forgot there were other people around, I was only aware of him. The music began to slow and Edward pulled me in close, no space left between us. One arm held me tight around my waist while the other held my hand folded up beside us.

Edward dipped me down so my back folded toward the floor while slowly rolling me back up to him. _"Doll, I need to see you pull your knee socks up. Let me feel you upside down, slide in, slide out, slide over here, climb into my mouth now child..."_

Our steps now slower than the music, but still synchronized. My hand curled around his shoulders. I could feel his chest rising and falling against mine. I found myself tucking my lips around my teeth to keep my smile from revealing my state of bliss. In these ungodly heels, my nose came right above his shoulder and I was able to easily surround myself with Edward's essence.

Our close proximity, the sexy song singing us a lullaby, and the way we just seem to fit together only fueled the obvious tension caused from our undefined connection. I noticed my pulse was racing and my breaths were quick and shallow.

Most of all, I realized that this didn't feel wrong. At all.

It the words of Jamie Foxx, blame it on the alcohol -- but my nerves were calm and my fears abandoned. Maybe even, I wasn't thinking logically, but this felt so...right.

My walls were crumbling one pebble at a time. My emotions were right there, threatening to flood the dam as soon as the barricade was thin enough to crack.

Esme's words echoed through my mind and I smiled. For tonight at least, I would take her advice, I would smell the roses. I would feel.

Just then the song changed and the familiar guitar rift of Eric Clapton surrounded us. Edward let go of my hand and languidly brought both of his arms around my waist. I snaked my arms around his neck and held on. There was no more tango, no scripted dance, just us swaying left and right with the melody.

I felt Edward take a deep breath before I experienced the scruff of his jaw near my ear. The sensation caused my eyes to roll back. "Bella, I want to thank you for everything." He paused as his warm air caressed the sensitive hairs on my neck. "For Ethan, for my mother, for... this." He then pulled his head back and gazed at me. I followed suit, peering at him.

At that moment, his eyes were windows to his soul and I saw everything I had imagined. Edward was genuine, deep, wonderful, passionate, caring, intense,..gorgeous.

"Thank you," he mouthed before pulling me flush to him again.

I did the only that I felt like I could do to show him I understood.

I let him in.

I tightened my hold on his neck. I tucked my nose against the naked skin above his collar and placed a simple, chaste kiss there. But in that kiss was all I had; my passion, my understanding, my spirit, the little crumbs of my broken heart. He didn't know it, but he could have it all. I laid my head down against him, knowing that he really wouldn't want it anyway.

As we swayed to 'Wonderful Tonight' I felt like I should be the one thanking him. Edward was making me want again. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to surround myself with friends. I wanted to let down my walls. I wanted to be touched and desired. I wanted more than what I had. He made me think that maybe it wasn't too selfish of me to pursue it. Possibly not with him, but with someone.

Esme, Ethan, and Edward had waltzed into my life and pulled back my veil of insecurities and dared me to live again.

Right then and there I would have bet my soul that I would do it, I would take pleasure in my journey, and I would live again.

**~*V*~**

_Our lives improve only when we take chances.._

_and the first and most difficult risk we can take.._

_is to be honest with ourselves. _

_~Walter Anderson_

**~*V*~**

* * *

**So the UST builds. Yum.**

**Thank you so much for all the love you have graciously returned to me with your encouraging reviews! Just know, that I read every single one of them, most of the time more than once, they mean a lot to me. **

**~ Stacy**


	7. Ch 7, Songs & Smooches

**Thanks to Becky for beta & HungryVampire for pre read. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**More ramblings after the jump..**

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***OoOoOoOoO***

_Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance._

_~Dave Barry _

***OoOoOoOoO***

**(psst... when the songs come into play in this chapter, it makes it 1000000x better to listen to it, TRUST! At least the 1st song! Link on profile... now go on, read it!)**

I knew the end of the song was approaching, our dance was almost over and I already was wishing for more. I didn't want it to end, like for a really long time. I wanted to stay right here fused to Edward, his warmth cuddling me, his neck against my face, his arms around my waist, his heart so close to my own. To my lonesome soul, he was my antidote.

I increased my hold on him ever so slightly and I felt him do the same. I would have given anything to be able to read his mind in that second.

I coveted the feeling of his muscular body against me. If nothing else, he gave me something to dream about.

_Perfection._

The song slowed to a stop and so did our movements. I raised my head to look at his beautiful face and saw his captivating eyes staring back at me. There were not enough hours in the day that I could spend just memorizing the pattern of his unique irises. Without a second thought my fingers crept up to wind into his hair at the nape of his neck and his hands squeezed my waist. Our moment was not over yet, the magnetism between us crackled as our motions mirrored the other. Our lips moistened -- our breaths quick -- our hearts stammering and pulses racing. The tension was now defined for me, and I wanted him like I had wanted no other. Surroundings forgotten and circumstances be damned, my lips belonged against his.

Simultaneously, three things happened. A loud screech filled the bar where someone, somewhere moved a table, the lights quickly brightened and our moment...vanished. My breath hitched as we released our hold on each other. Our eyes searched the other for recognition of what _almost_ happened. I swallowed hard and he puckered his lips to slowly blow out a held breath.

Our arms fell to our sides and one corner of his mouth curled into a lop-sided grin. I smirked back as we turned to leave the dance floor. He placed one hand between my shoulder blades under my hair to rest on my neck and lead me to our table.

As I took my seat I noticed most of the patrons were leaving. No one in our group seemed to mind that it was closing time so I just stayed put, still in a blissful daze from my dance upon the clouds. Edward stood beside me with his one hand stuffed into his pocket and the other scratching the back of his neck.

No one around us said a word and I wondered if they could feel the tension? I was positive they witnessed our almost kiss.

_Shit._

_Now what?_

_Hmph...almost doesn't count._

Emmett jumped up and began to roll up his sleeves. "Happy Birthday to me boys! You ready to put the rock in rock star?"

Jasper stood and joined him, "Let's do it!" He bent over and kissed Alice's forehead.

I glanced up at Edward with a quizzical look on my face. He winked at me before they all three walked away from the table.

Alice and Rose shifted to the empty seats around me. Alice linked her arm in mine and let out a high pitched "Squeee!" I could feel the excited energy rolling off her.

Edward then stopped and walked back to the table, he stood behind me, his hands on my shoulders, and I felt him bend down to ask, "Any requests?"

Of course, I was clueless. Alice wiggled in her chair, "You already know mine Edward." Rose shrugged and Edward gently squeezed my shoulders before turning to leave again.

I watched the guys approach the empty stage in front of us and a shiver raced through my body as I remembered what Jasper said, _"Edward sings."_

Alice leaned over as we looked straight ahead watching them prepare. She softly said, "You're going to love this. To listen to them play! They are SO GOOD!" I pulled the corner of my bottom lip in between my teeth as I checked out Edward up there on that stage. I swear on my fucking life, everything he does only makes me want him more.

"They used to do this all the time in college, until Edward left to go overseas. It's been awhile since they have played together, but this is what Emmett wanted for his birthday." Alice continued.

I leaned forward to look at Rose who wouldn't take her eyes off the stage. I elbowed her, "Did you know about this? Have you ever heard Emmett play?"

She slowly shook her head, "No! Yes! I mean.. I didn't know they were going to perform tonight, Em had only said he had a surprise for me. Holy fuck he's hot! Sorry, I heard him play once - in private." She answered as she wiggled her eyebrows.

_TMI! _I giggled at her as I sat back and looked around the pub. We were the only ones still there besides the staff. The bartender was straightening the bar and the rest were cleaning off empty tables. Alice whistled at the guy behind the bar and motioned for him to come over to our table. She told him something about bringing us something to drink. "A lot," she emphasized.

Alice, Rose, and I sat in silence as we watched them set up. Edward and Jasper both grabbed guitars that were propped up beside the stage, and Emmett twirled his drum sticks between his fingers. Edward slipped his guitar to hang on his back before he walked over to the keyboard and fingered a few keys. He then sat on the empty stool beside Jasper. They both began to strum on their guitars. Jasper shook his head and Edward laughed as they adjusted the strings before checking to make sure they were in tune again.

I was startled as the guy from the bar brought over a tray of drinks and empty mugs and placed them on the table. There were two pitchers of what I assumed to be beer and an unopened bottle of Grey Goose. I chose the latter grabbing a shot glass and helping myself. My buzz was practically gone and it seemed as though the night was just getting started. Thank God I didn't have to work tomorrow.

Emmett sat back on his stool and grabbed the bottle of beer that was beside him before crossing his arms. Edward and Jasper began to play. Jasper leaned forward toward the microphone in front of him, his eyes focused totally on Alice._ "...There is a light, a certain kind of light...." _Alice sighed as Jasper sang to her, he never looked away. Their exchange was so intimate; his words full of passion and ...love. I was so jealous.

I slowly blinked and let my eyes turn and fix on Edward. The way his long fingers danced along the strings. The way he mouthed the words that Jasper was singing. The way his head bobbed with the beat. The way his foot tapped on the stool. The way his expression was so at ease, so comfortable and relaxed.

_Damn._

Edward leaned forward and closed his eyes as he joined Jasper on the chorus. Their voices harmonized together, you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began. I noticed my eyes were drying out because I refused to blink.

I was mesmerized. My senses were on overload. My sight absorbing the Adonis before me that graced the stage with absolute charisma and repose. My ears listening to his sexy scruff of a voice. My hands still smelled of his scent as I held them clasped together in front of my nose.

Then Edward took over the second verse. Jasper leaned back and blew a kiss or something to Alice. Frankly, I couldn't take my eyes off Edward to pay them any attention. _"...In my brain I see your face again, I know my frame of mind..."_ He looked at his strings as he sang. I noticed I was leaning forward as far as I could without falling out of my seat.

I felt Alice nudge my arm with a full shot glass. Without looking away, I swallowed it and cringed when it burned my throat.

Edward's eyes then looked up at me as he continued to sing. I gulped really hard because it felt as though my heart was going to pound right out of my chest._ "...But I'm a man, can't you see what I am - I live and I breathe for you, but what good does it do, if I ain't got you, if I ain't got you..."_ Those lyrics seeped into my pores awakening my butterflies. I wanted to seal them up in a Ziploc baggie so I could open them up later and listen to them over and over and over...

Alice laid her hand on my back, "Aren't they great? These are the songs they sang at my wedding reception. They had the whole place in tears. Jaz and Edward just sound so dreamy together huh?"

I nodded.

Of course. He wasn't singing to me. He had sung this song before. God, I am such a moron. No need in getting my panties all in a wad over nothing.

_It was just something else to dream about._

I dropped my eyes to stare at the floor. I was embarrassed at myself. They finished out the song and then Alice was leaning over gripping my arm even tighter. "This one is my favorite from Edward. I had asked him to sing it so Jaz and I could dance to it. He sings it better than Keith Urban!"

I looked up and Jasper leaned over to grab his water bottle. Edward looked up and said, "As always Alice." He then started to play again.

I felt Alice's chair scoot out and watched as she met Jaz in front of the stage so they could dance. This time I played it safe and closed my eyes as he began to sing. My head felt a little dizzy anyway. My hands still clasped together in front of me, I rested my cheek on the back of my hand and I just listened. Behind closed lids my imagination ran rampant; maybe he was singing this to me, maybe I am not his lawyer, maybe we can go back in time and date in high school and I could be his Homecoming Queen.

_"...I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms - in a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm. And I'm gonna love you - like nobody loves you...."_

Someday someone can sing this song to me – and mean it. I swayed my body along with Edward's singing.

_"...And I'm gonna make you a promise, if there's life after this - I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss.."_

Alice returned to stand beside me. I noticed Rose was sitting on the edge of the stage as close as she could get to Emmett.

Then Jasper starting playing a faster paced song and Alice squealed again and dragged me onto the empty dance floor. I shook my head no, but she was ignoring me.

I glanced up at Edward, he was laughing at our exchange. Alice hooted and hollered and started clapping her hands as Jasper started singing.

_..."I'll never be your beast of burden my back is broad, but it's a hurting. All I want is for you to make love to me. I'll never be your beast of burden, I've walked for miles my feet are hurting. All I want is for you to make love to me..."_

Edward mouthed the words again and I bit at my lip trying to hide my smile. Rose had joined us on the dance floor. Our heads bobbing as we sang along. Emmett and Edward both cut in when it was their turn to sing.

It would be a lie to say I was interested in watching anyone other than Edward sing. He could sing the alphabet and I would still only have eyes for him. So... maybe I had one too many shots. Who cares? The evening was still young. There was a half-full bottle of vodka, an empty dance floor, and friends who wanted to boogie. I had all night long.

I lost count of the shots about the same time I lost count of the songs. Alice, Rose and I stayed on the dance floor as the guys played on stage. The rest of the night they played upbeat stuff that we could dance to. I guess you could call it dancing, but swaying would be a better term. We finished off the bottle of Grey Goose. I think poor Alice drank most of it. She soon was unable to speak, so Jasper decided it was time for them to leave and their impromptu gig was over.

I closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of seat of the Vanquish as Edward drove toward my loft. I smirked recalling the conversation I had overhead on my way back from the ladies room before we left. Emmett had offered to bring me home since he was staying at Rose's place tonight. Edward politely refused, shrugging him off. Emmett then insisted, professing it was really not a big deal. Through clenched teeth Edward replied "No. Thank. You." I then watched Emmett raise his eyebrows and throw his arms up in surrender before Rose approached him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

I felt my feet move on their own accord toward the trio, bold yet curious. I accidentally-on-purpose brushed my hand against Edward's and watched the frustration from his brow fade away. He smiled and asked if I ready. I agreed and we both wished Emmett Happy Birthday before retreating to the parking lot in silence. Alice was already out of it in their Porsche and Jasper was inside locking up.

Edward's fingertips ghosted my back as he led us toward his car. I shivered unsure if it was from his touch or against the cold night air. He slipped his arm around my back and pulled me in a little tighter. I leaned into his frame for his support and warmth.

_I would greedily take all I could get._

We ran over a pot hole in the road and the jarring brought me back to the present. My body was still tingly all over. Sure, it could have been all that alcohol still running its course through my veins, but maybe it was Edward, whom I had been tipsy on for days. I would prefer to think it was Edward making me dizzy, that made me feel more ladylike anyway and not like a horny alcoholic.

Tonight had been a dream and even though I still felt as though I was floating on cloud nine, my toes were dragging the ground. This was Edward - my unrequited crush. My closest friend. My client. Had it been anyone else I would be groveling at their feet pronouncing my undying infatuation. I would be paying homage to the host with the scratchy, soulful voice that liquefied me from the inside out. Even expressing more gratitude than spoken on Thanksgiving Day for voicing the lyrics that made me believe that love was not an enigma, it was a real sentiment shared among others, even friends. And that forever can be forever and the combination of the two; love and forever, was worth seeking out all the rest of your days.

My eyes must have been drifting closed because as soon as I heard the engine shut off I snapped them open. My face practically lit up the sidewalk even brighter than the moonlight when Edward opened my car door to escort me to the apartment building. My steps were light, my walk was giddy, and I couldn't stop a giggle from escaping my lips.

"What?" Edward asked.

"Nothing," I answered trying to mask my smile as I unlocked the door on the main floor.

He pushed the door open from behind me and I felt his sweet breath billow from his lips, landing on my ear, "Tell me."

Through the chutzpah of my liquid courage, I didn't halt my subtle seduction, I just let it roll. I turned to walk backwards leading him to the elevator. I didn't speak a word, but I did hope that he could read my inebriated sign language.

"Not a thing," I replied as I let my eyes roam his body, head to toe to head. I didn't mask my desire and I slowly licked my lips. I rested my back against the wall, one foot brought up with my bended knee. My arms extended holding on to the railing.

Edward relaxed on the opposite wall, arms folded on his chest, feet crossed in front of him. Cool as a winter breeze and oblivious to my flirting. A smirk that promised to visit me in my dreams splashed across his face.

I watched as his eyes traveled my frame now and I felt my body burn with fire as my blush spread from his unspoken gesture.

The ride up flashed by in seconds and the doors slid open. I slowly pulled away from the wall and led the way down the short hall.

I sensed Edward's presence walking behind me. I couldn't hear his steps. I couldn't see his shadow. I couldn't even smell him anymore, but I could feel him. Every atom in my body quaked and pulsed from the static cascading through the air.

My fear was bottled with anticipation. My reasoning laced with desire. It's like I was blindly drawing straws. Unknowing what my fate would be if I choose the short one; would I win, lose, or both?

I hesitated when I reached my locked door, not even fishing out my keys from the bottom of my small clutch.

My back prickled as Edward stopped behind me. "Bella," he whispered. My breathing became erratic. My knees weakened just from the way he spoke my name. I let my purse fall to the floor, my fingers wanted to touch something else...

At the pace of a second hand on a grandfather clock, I spun around to face him. As soon as my feet stilled he stepped forward and I stepped back, my back now flush against the cold, hard door. My eyes closed at the contact and my fingertips fought for something to grab hold of against the smooth surface.

My eyes crept open when I felt him raise both hands to box me in on each side. Little did he know I wasn't going anywhere. The air around me sizzled, sweeping across my skin, daring me to accept the inevitable.

"Edward?" I replied still feeling a tad brassy from earlier.

He leaned forward to bring his face level with mine. "I can't find the words I want to say right now." His eyes were searching mine for some sort of answer.

"Then stop searching," my fingers knotted around his belt loops to pull him closer.

Every reasonable thought I had was gone. No more was the worry of semantics; clients and cases, bosses and friends, pasts and futures.

He closed his eyes and erased the distance between our noses. His lips placed a delicate, teasing kiss dangerously close to where I longed for them to be.

I felt his resistance as I continued to tug on his belt loops. There was too much space between our bodies. Earlier I had felt my personal nirvana pressed up against me and I longed for more.

I watched his internal battle of right and wrong display itself in the creases of his brow. His forehead came to rest against mine.

I released my hold on his belt loops and gingerly let my flat palms trace up the contour of his cut abs...his strong chest...his broad shoulders. My mouth fell open a bit when the bare skin of my fingers connected with the tender flesh of his neck. The texture changing from silk to sandpaper as my hands ventured to rest on his cheeks.

Even with the close proximity of his godlike face, I watched as his eyes closed and he caught his bottom lip under his teeth.

"Bella," he all but groaned as my fingers traced his pink lips, one thumb running along the top lip and the other slowly mapping the bottom.

I rose up on my tiptoes to mimic his gesture from earlier. I gently kissed the corner of his mouth before rocking back on my heels to catch my balance.

"Bella, we.." I boosted myself again to kiss the other side of his mouth and felt his lips begin to pucker.

As if I was blind and his face was Braille, I read the sharp profile lines of his face with my fingertips.

"We shouldn't," he whispered.

I trailed my fingers over his ears to twist and turn them into his begging-to-be-pulled hair. "I know," I sighed.

Right then and there I made a mental note to thank my lucky stars because my wish came true. Slowly, sensually, perfectly his lips tasted mine. It was ease and tantalizing, intense and luscious. No fierceness, no tension, no regrets. The innocence of our kiss reminded me of a first kiss so many years ago. All lips and massage, soft and gentle. No tongues and exploring, no urgency and frenzy.

Even though the buildup of our kiss was as dawdling as watching the sun rise over the mountaintops, the end was abrupt and hasty.

"We can't," Edward hissed through labored breath as his forehead once again settled against mine.

"I know," I sighed as I let my hands fall away from his bronze hair.

I had yet to meet his gaze again but I could feel the beams emitting from his eyes. "Bella," I was fearful to answer, regretting what he may have to say.

I shook my head no in short, quick movements.

"Bella, look at me."

I slowed the shaking of my head and allowed myself to lock eyes with him. I was unable to decipher the emotions reflected in his eyes, his brow, his perfect lips, which he began to open again. I raised my pointer finger to silence him, letting it linger longer than it should.

"Please," I all but begged, "I'm sorry...just don't."

Edward ground his teeth together and I watched as his masseters flexed in his jaws.

"Just leave it like this for me, for now. Please."

He let his arms fall away from me and nodded his head once in agreement. His eyes slit trying to understand my pleas.

I heard his knees pop at the same time my breath caught in my chest. Edward was bending down and his head was hazardously close to where it should not be right now.

At a snail's pace his hands ran down the length of my bare legs until he reached my ankles. His searing touch sent waves of longing that rolled from my breast down into my desolate, aching need.

I bit at my bottom lip and let my head fall back against the door again, my chin jutted out and my groans suppressed. Gooseflesh covering me from head to toe and I shivered so hard my teeth almost chattered.

Edward picked up my purse, which is what I am sure he was going for in the first place and quickly stood. I lazily lifted my head and stared at his gorgeous smirk.

"I should go," he said as his fingers brushed mine handing me my belongings.

"Yes, you should." I agreed before my vagina could figure out how to take over my vocal chords and betray me.

We had already gone too far. Who knows what will happen tomorrow when the euphoria of our non-date faded away.

I dug out my keys and turned to unlock my door. "Goodnight Edward." I said with a smile.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, "Sweet dreams Bella."

_Oh - you have no idea!_

I took a small step inside the door and watched as he kept his eyes on me and side stepped toward the elevator.

I crept back into my loft as much as could with my head still poking out my door watching him leave. He pushed the button and the elevator immediately opened.

He glanced at me, rubbing his lips with his thumb. Our eyes met and he winked before stepping into the elevator and out of my sight.

~*X*~

I threw my purse and keys on the table beside the couch and bent down to sling off my shoes. A cornucopia of curse words ran through my thoughts.

I stripped off my clothes as I walked through the loft toward my bedroom. The mess on my floor I would deal with tomorrow.

As I reached my bed I fell down across the edge of it atop the covers. I reached over to curl up into the throw at the end of my bed.

So tonight was my fairy tale experience. I was Cinderella and I danced with Prince Charming before he crooned to me about his undying love and kissed me goodnight before retreating back to his castle.

_Well sorta._

I preferred to remember it that way.

I couldn't even stay awake long enough to take care of my over stimulated libido. My dreams were anxious and waiting on my arrival.

~*X*~

I sat straight up on the bed when I heard the loudest noise coming from my living room. A rise of panic bubbled into my throat and I glanced over at the clock. 2:47 in the afternoon!

_Are you serious!_

I had slept most of the day away. I heard the sound again and realized it must be someone at my door. I was still just in my underwear. I grabbed my throw and pulled it around me like a towel.

God, my head hurt and my mouth felt like the Sahara and the taste, gross!

I rubbed my eyes to will them to focus as I stumbled toward my front door. I heard two more loud knocks and a muffled 'Bella'.

"Hang on," I yelled and then winced as a pain shot through my head.

_Damned vodka!_

I huffed as I unlocked the dead bolt and threw open the door.

"Edward? What.." There stood Edward holding Ethan with a worried look on his face. I saw him look me over and a crooked smile instantly appeared on his face.

"Have you been asleep? I have been calling you for hours and beating on this door for thirty minutes!" He shifted Ethan to his other side and Ethan looked at me, "La-la, hold you."

I raised my finger, "Come in, hang on let me...grab...change." I was standing there in nothing but my undies and a cover.

_Indecent doesn't even explain it._

I ran into my bedroom and grabbed an old t-shirt that was lying on my floor. I slipped into my bathroom, peed real quick and closed my eyes as I passed by the mirror. I didn't even want to know.

"Sorry," I said as I made my way back into the living room. I saw last night's clothes littered across the floor and bent down to pick them up. Edward was standing there staring at my bare legs with his thumb pressed up to his lips as Ethan ran around the apartment with a Power Ranger in his hand.

"Rough night?" Edward grinned and wiggled his eyebrows.

"No, perfect night." I answered tugging at the bottom of my shirt to make it feel longer, "but, yes, I was still sleeping. Did you say you tried to call? My phone must be dead." I scanned the room for it.

"Yeah, I was worried. You didn't answer." Edward stuttered and I couldn't help but smile at his doting.

"I'm fine. Thanks for checking on me. Was there something you needed?"

"Uh, yes..."

I sat down on the couch and watched as Edward fought the urge to stare at my legs. I decided to play a little and crossed them. I begin to slowly kick my pointed toes, "Yes Edward, what is it?"

He turned away from me before answering. "You're so not fair. But anyway I was leaving for Forks and I won't be back until late Monday but I wanted to ask. You're coming Tuesday for an evaluation right?"

I nodded my head and realized he wouldn't be able to see me with his back turned so I answered, "Yes, Tuesday."

"I have a surprise for you. Ethan and I will pick you up around nine for breakfast. Dress casual or..not." He turned to look at me and lick his lips.

_Stop. It._

"Surprise?" I asked.

He nodded his head.

"I don't like surprises." I stated.

"I don't care. It's a surprise. 9 a.m."

"Edward, why didn't you just call and ask me?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "You didn't answer remember? Plus, Mom wants us to go stay at the beach house this weekend and we have no cellular service there."

"Beach house? Are you kidding me?"

"'Fraid not."

"You are such a spoiled little brat." A beach house! _Good God!_

"I'll take you there if you ever want to go. Just let me know." He was picking up Ethan to leave.

"Seriously? The beach is my favorite." I pouted.

"I promise." His voice was getting quieter as he talked.

"Thanks," I whispered so quietly I think I just mouthed the words.

Ethan threw his action figure to the floor and I stood to go get it. I approached them and handed it to Ethan as I leaned forward to peck his cheek. He threw his little arms around my neck and hugged me.

"Mm-mm," I hummed as he tightened around my neck. When Ethan let go, I took a step back.

"I gotta go." Edward said with regret in his voice.

"Tell Esme I said hi please. Drive carefully." Edward began to walk toward the door holding Ethan and I followed to let him out. "I'll see you two Tuesday morning. Have fun."

"Bye Bella," Edward said as he stepped out the door.

I shut the door this time not watching him leave. The aroma of his cologne filled my loft and I inhaled deeply, not wanting to waste it.

I scooted back into my bedroom and crawled under the covers. I wasn't done dreaming of my Prince Charming.

***OoOoOoOoO***

_I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. _

_If we're in each others dreams, we can play together all night. _

_~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes _

***OoOoOoOoO***

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**Confession time = every time I write a chapter it reminds me of what we read to our kids in Kindergarten, remember? _"See Spot run. The ball is red. Spot likes the red ball." _Yes, this is what my writing sounds like to me. So juvenile. I am almost embarrassed to post each chapter. Then I get encouraging reviews & you ladies tell me you like this story. I want to drop to my knees & yell, "You like me? You really like me!?" (notice the question marks) So every time I read that you think I write, well...decent, it chisels away at my doubt little by little. I am not telling you this to receive a pat on the back, I am just being honest. I warned you I had no self confidence. **

**Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. **

**If it were not for Twitter I'd have no friends at all: Mrs_Robward**

**IMO to recc a fic to another is the highest form of flattery, even above a review! **

**Last thing, fan fiction owns me b/c when I read I get to feel all sorts of emotions. Anger, anticipation, butterflies, lust... that makes a good story to me. I read 1 the other day & through 15 chapters I didn't feel a thing, good plot but no emotion. So tell me, I'd to know what each chapter makes you ... feel. ~ Stacy**


	8. Ch 8, Wishes & Surprises

**Beta'd By Beirbeck (Trust - that is a good thing!)**

**Pre read by Spunky who assured me you just might like this chapter.**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

**Not owned by me but by some lucky bitch with the initial's of S.M.**

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_**~*X*~**_

_Dreams are wishes your heart makes. _

_**~*X*~**_

After sleeping a few more hours, I finally got up out of the bed and ate some left-overs that were in my refrigerator. Then I took two Tylenol PM's because I swear I felt like shit. I prayed that I wasn't getting sick and that it was just from me sleeping too much, having an empty stomach and last nights alcohol.

_Ew. _

I set the sleep button on my iHome so I could go to sleep listening to my music and crawled back into bed. The last time I had slept this much was when I left Mike after my miscarriage. It was my body's way of coping. _Stupid, I know._ Probably in better terms it was how I dealt with shit, sleep – don't worry--avoidance. It never works.

I dozed off thinking about what I was going to say to Edward about my behavior last night.

Sometime during the wee hours of the night I heard a light tapping from my front door again. This was becoming a pattern, as long as it was always Edward, I wouldn't complain. My clock read 2:47 a.m. The loft was dark, the moonlight dimly shining in through the closed blinds. I peeked out the little hole in my door. I couldn't make out anything but a silhouette, yet it was a familiar one.

I opened the door in the darkness, not even bothering with the light. He stood tall and lean, his shadow blocking the entire door. My heart thundered against my chest at just his presence here. My thoughts ran wild. _Why? How? Yes? No?_

I let go of my inhibitions, my safe logic no longer mattered. I longed for him. I needed his touch as much as a rainbow needs the mist and the sun to mingle to compose its wonder. He stood quiet and still, neither of us muttering a word.

Whatever had changed his mind and brought him back to Seattle from Forks didn't matter to me. His impromptu return was no surprise, the way my body called out for him in his absence, he really had no choice.

Without moving my feet, I reached out for him, one palm flat against the door frame, the other lacing with his outstretched hand.

Once they met, the abstruse sparks caused my lips to part as my breath increased with anticipation. He stepped through the door and sharply closed it without ever leaving my grasp.

The space between us became nonexistent as our bodies molded together once again. His touch soft yet possessive.

He spun me around so my back was now against the closed door. His warm fingers traced the open collar of my shirt, following the material down to meet the buttons. Slowly, teasingly releasing one button after the other. The pad of his fingers grazing my skin haphazardly each time. My shirt soon fell open, barely sliding down my shoulders exposing my skin that cried out for his touch.

His mouth met the thin lace of my bra as he licked and nibbled at my breast. I whimpered as my hands found his hair to grab him and hold him tighter to me. He groaned at the sensation of my fingertips clawing the nape of his neck, which in turn fueled the desire that burned in my sex.

I pulled his head from my chest and repaid the favor by tediously stripping his shirt and placing warm, open-mouthed kisses on his well defined chest. I traced the outline of his abs with my fingertips and smiled as he shivered under my touch. I ventured lower, appeasing my lust with a gentle brush of my fingers to the tip of the hard bulge in his pants.

His warm hands reached up to grip each side of my face, guiding me in closer. Our lips meeting, mapping, remembering, familiarizing with the other. Acquainting the only way they knew how-with fervent passion.

The naked skin of his chest touched mine, strong and heated. I silently begged for hours to just be able to touch it.

Our kiss began slow and then built up so fast we had to break for air and for our balance. I gently pushed at his chest with both hands making him step backwards until his calves came in contact with the edge of the couch causing him to sit down quickly.

I let my shirt fall completely to the floor as I stood before him in just my underwear. The black of the night still blinded me from seeing the strong angles of his face. I stepped closer to him, placing one bended knee on each side of his lap straddling him.

I don't know if he had a plan, but my intentions were clear. I wanted him. Now.

I slowly lowered myself onto him and brought him as close as I could. I let my fingers search his body for his collar bone. I then felt my way up each side of his neck and once again buried my hands into his hair. I fucking loved to finger this man's hair.

He leaned forward placing each hand on my naked thighs holding me to him. I let my head fall back as he pelted my exposed chest bone with searing kisses. Leisurely his perfect, pink lips made their way up my neck before settling on the outer edge of my lobe.

His lips moved but I heard no sound.

I leaned my head closer into him trying to decipher his mumblings.

His breath against my sensitive ear caused me to tremble. I felt the trickle of my wetness seep into the cloth of my undies.

I fought the urge to rub myself against him, my body so eager to invite, accept, greet his.

I lost the battle and tried to appease the burn in between my legs by grinding into him. The friction only made me want more. The material stretched between us inhibited my need to feel him skin-on-skin.

I once again felt his lips move against my ear. I honed into what he was trying to say. I silenced my moans and whimpers. I stopped dry humping his crotch and I leaned into his ear.....

"Ain't no rest for the wicked..."

"Holy Shit!"

I sat straight up in my bed drenched in sweat with an unsatisfied ache throbbing in my va-jay-jay. My Blackberry ring tone singing to me--on a freaking Saturday morning. Damn you Renee!

~*~

I passed the long, boring weekend hours by trying to not look at the clock... or my watch... or my cell. I ate too much. I watched a ridiculous amount of romantic comedies on Netflix. Always the happy ending kind too, none of that Nights in Rodanthe crap where the lover dies. Why would they even make such a movie? Where is the happily ever after people?!

I also slept. A lot. I found myself going to bed around eight o'clock each night. Most nights I just cuddled up in my bed trying not to think or over-analyze or wonder. I couldn't forget the images in my mind from my steamy dream with Edward. My dreams about him used to be so G rated - but oh, not anymore! I used to vision us frolicking through a beautiful green meadow, dressed in old Victorian clothes. Ethan playing on a red and white checkered blanket with his crimson hair blowing in the breeze. We were holding hands, our gazes were long and intense and our kisses never stopped. There was no "we can't" or "we shouldn't." I wanted to live there – in my dreams, especially now that we had evolved to bumpin' and grindin' on my couch. _Hot damn!_

_I am so dumb. And lonely. _

_~*~_

After the longest weekend in the history of time, I sat there on the step outside my apartment building waiting on Edward and Ethan. Yes, I was a few minutes early, but the suspense was killing me. I had thought and thought and thought about what this surprise could be. I'm sure it was't much – it better not be much! Did I mention I hate surprises? I'm really just looking forward to seeing them both. I never thought four days was that long of a wait--until now. I just missed their company.

_Keep telling yourself that_.

I had to talk to Edward about our actions Thursday night. I didn't regret it, not in the least. We just couldn't make a habit out of it. I was afraid next time, we wouldn't stop.

_God, I hope we don't stop_.

No Bella! No next time.

_Shit fire and save matches! _

I was so conflicted, part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind and just go for it . Dating. Sex. Sex and dating. Whatever he was willing to give, I would take it. Then there was a bigger part of me that was just too scared. The chance of rejection. The possible heart ache. The complications. The repercussion of another failed relationship. There was where my weakness hid. When it comes to the opposite sex, I was a coward. The friendship Edward and I shared was more valuable than words could express, too precious to damage with my lust. Then there was the whole lawyer/client situation between us. If I was being honest with myself, and I'm usually not, I was hiding behind that excuse. What would I do when the case was finished? Would he even acknowledge me then? How would it affect us?

We had to talk.

Today.

I spent the day at the office yesterday lost in my thoughts. I stared for hours at Ethan's file lying on my desk. It had only been a month and his file was getting thicker by the day. The 'done' checklist in the front growing by the week. It was moving on quicker than I thought it would. There wasn't much holding us back besides receiving what we needed from the Russian government, their release of Ethan's citizenship. It was their acknowledgment that he was no longer bound by their laws, even though they didn't even recognize him as ever being born. Imbeciles.

Ten minutes and thirty nine seconds later I saw a familiar silver Volvo pull onto my street. I was a little nervous to say the least because first, there was this whole 'surprise'. Second, we had only briefly spoken since _that_ night. Since Friday morning when he stopped by and then, everything was still so fresh, I hadn't had time to let it all sink in yet. Now, I had not been able to think of anything else.

_Pathetic. _

When the Volvo stopped, I jumped up and all but ran over to the passenger side, not even giving Edward time to get out and open my door, much less put the damn thing in park.

"Good morning."

"Good morning Edward," I said patting his chest as I turned on my seat to speak to Ethan, "and good morning to you handsome." I said as I tickled Ethan's knee.

"I see who you call handsome."

I shrugged.

"Why so excited? I thought you didn't like surprises."

"I don't, but I can't help it. It's A SURPRISE!" I wiggled in my seat as I buckled up and he drove off.

I noticed that Edward was not looking so good today. "Is there anything wrong? You look rough! How was your weekend at the beach?" I turned in my seat to face him more.

"I'm just tired. The first day and a half we were there, Ethan hated it. He wouldn't even let his feet touch the sand. He had to be carried all over the beach. Then I kinda made him walk on it and showed him how to build with castles and then we couldn't ever get him to come in. He. Wore. Me. Out." Edward huffed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"We don't have to do this surprise thing today you know. We could do it another day if you need to rest."

"No, we can't. Plus I want to do it. It's going to be fun. I'll be okay. Are you hungry?"

"Yes. I am."

Why all of a sudden my stomach clenched with nerves was beyond me. Maybe it was because I noticed we were driving down an unfamiliar street in Seattle and I didn't have a clue where we were going. Or maybe it was because I was going to have to initiate this conversation between us about the other night. Edward acted as though nothing ever happened and as nice as that might be, it did happen. We had to acknowledge it and move on.

_Okay here goes nothing._ "Edward we need to talk about the other night."

"Sure. What about it?"

Damn, he was regarding it as nothing. Did I read too much into it?

"I'm Sorr-."

"Don't apologize!" He cut me off.

"Why? I am. I drank too much and practically assaulted you."

"Maybe I liked it. Maybe I plan on getting you liquored up again today."

"What?!" _Is he kidding?_

Edward laughed. "I'm not going to. I'm joking, but I really don't want you to say you're sorry. I enjoyed it. I want to do it again soon."

Oh God, do I dare ask which part he wanted to do again? Did I even want to know?

_Nope._

"Well, I did have fun. I loved hearing you three play and Alice was fun and Rose, well she was Rose. I was shocked by the way, about her and Emmett. Did you know about them?"

Edward shook his head. "Em had told me he was seeing someone but wouldn't tell me who. She lives in your building right?"

"Yes, we're friends, but I'm not done talking about us, don't change the subject." I pouted.

"Okay, but you are the one who changed the subject." He looked at me and flashed that boyish smile.

_Don't do that. _

I rolled my eyes. "Details-shmetails." I smiled before I took a deep breath. This was going to be the hard part for me to say.

"Look Edward, I care for you so much, you're one of my closest friends. I love spending time with you and Ethan. You two really are my life right now. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not attracted to you because I am. I've had a crush on you since high school practically..." I was looking down at my hands fiddling with the silver ring on my middle finger.

"Now that I know you personally, you are so much more than just that guy I liked back then. But... we can't push our boundaries. I have to focus on Ethan and I don't want anything to be in the way of that. We just can't."

"I know Bella." He didn't turn to look at me but his profile was serious. No smiles or reassurances.

"I'm just saying Edward, what if? What if something goes wrong with this adoption, if we had invested more, it would just ruin it."

"Please don't talk like that."

"I'm just speaking from my heart. Let's just... I don't know. I think us just being friends is the way to go right now. I don't want to mess that up. Don't you agree?"

I noticed we were pulling into a parking deck. There weren't many other cars around. There was a gate and a guard. Edward flashed him some kind of card and he let us through.

Edward pulled into a parking place and turned off the car. He turned to face me with one arm propped on the steering wheel. "Do you want me to be honest with you Bella?"

My heart began to pound harder with each word he spoke. "Please Edward, we need to talk about this."

His eyes darted around looking everywhere before they stilled on me, his whole bottom lip disappeared under his teeth, and he took a deep breath as I watched his chest rise and fall.

"Let me put it like this," his tone quiet and serious. "I know Jasper told you not to get involved with me other than friends while you are representing me, right?"

I quickly nodded my head.

"I know that to you, your job is your everything and I would never do anything to jeopardize your career."

Still nodding.

He licked his lips before he spoke again, "So that means.. that if what _you_ want is for us to _just_ be friends, then Bella, we'll just _be friends_."

My nodding slowed a little, his answer seemed so… cryptic.

While I was mulling over what he'd just said, I hadn't noticed he'd unbuckled and got out of the car. I blew out a puff of air as I reached over to release my own seat belt, but I stopped as my door quickly opened. Suddenly Edward was leaning over in front of me, his right hand on my buckle, his left on the edge of the back of my seat.

My vision was blocked with bronze silk and I was inhaling his clean scent. He leaned in closer and closer until I felt his nose touch my cheek and drag it's way over to my ear. His breath was minty and made my mouth water. I heard him suck on his teeth before he spoke in his quiet groveling voice, "but Bella, don't tempt me with your sultry kisses and tease me with your fuck me stares, because if you offer again, I won't turn you away. I'm nothing but a greedy man and I want.. more."

Click.

_Whimper._

My seat belt fell away and he stepped away and out of my door. I heard the back door open and I think he was speaking to Ethan but....

_Snap out of it! _

_More? Is that what he said? More? More what?!_

_Oh my god! I don't wanna know! _

I slowly stumbled out of the Volvo still dazed, stumped, unsure and confused.

Edward stood holding Ethan, watching me as I shut my door and I looked around. He stepped closer, his head tilted down and a sly smirk on his face.

He placed my chin in between his finger and thumb and pulled my face toward him. "Tell me one thing, if I would have picked you up in the Vanquish this morning, would you still have been able to... resist me? Or would you have mauled me as soon as you got in?" Then he whispered, "You know, since you want me and all…"

Oh, he wants to joke does he?!

I slapped his arm. "Me? I'm not the one saying things like all "more and sultry and…what kind of stares did you say? I did that?"

"You asked Baby," he chuckled as he started walking toward the double doors that read 'PRIVATE SUITE ONLY.'

"Edward Cullen! You are an ASS!" I tried to sound angry but I was pretty sure I failed.

"Not in front of the kid, woman. Save it for later. I like it when you're hot and bothered." He wiggled his eyebrows looking back at me.

We stopped at the door and Edward rang the buzzer.

"You haven't seen anything yet," I pouted and crossed my arms.

"Where are we?" I whispered.

"We are at the Key Arena at the Seattle Center." Edward whispered back just as the door opened and a man in uniform asked if he could help us.

"Yes, sir. It's Cullen, party of three for the South Suite please."

"Yes, sir. Straight ahead, left at the end of the hall. It will be marked, the second door on your right. Have fun at the circus today Mr. and Mrs. Cullen."

My eyes grew big and I looked over at Edward who was suppressing his laugh. 'The circus?' I mouthed.

As we begin to walk Edward laughed. "Yes, Mrs. Cullen," He laughed for a few more steps before he was able to control himself. "SURPRISE! But it's not just any circus, Bella, it's the Greatest Show On Earth."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Oh, my little unknowing swan, I shall show you the world, but first you will be introduced to Barnum & Bailey's Circus, the greatest show on earth. The king of all circuses. Welcome to the wonder."

I followed as he turned down the hall toward our suite. "Do we have good seats?" I asked. It didn't matter to me, although if we are going to be high up I would have brought my binoculars.

"Here at the Key Arena, they have two private suites, one on the south side and one on the north, each one has front row seats. Today the south suite is ours."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? We have a suite? A private suite? How did you...?" I was just...

"A gentleman never tell his secrets, Bella. It's gonna be great though. You and Ethan can experience it for the first time together. That's priceless."

We finally came to a door marked 'South Suite Entrance' with a hostess waiting to greet us.

"Mr. Cullen I presume. Welcome to the Key Arena, my name is Jane and I will be your hostess for the afternoon. We have your brunch ready just as you ordered. Please follow me."

She opened the door and we followed her inside. Never in my life had I received such treatment. A private suite! Our own personal hostess! I was always the one who sat in the nose bleed section coveting the lucky ones who were seated in the important section--the private suites and seats in the first row. Had my luck really turned around so?

Edward had pre-ordered our food. He remembered that I liked strawberry pancakes. They were even better than IHOP's with fresh strawberries, not the mushy ones in syrup. Ethan had scrambled eggs and sausage with a PB&J on the side, just in case. Edward was eating pancakes too, minus the fruit.

As we sat down at the table, Jane took our drink orders and we began to eat. This suite was very first-class. We had a private bar, a huge flat screen that almost covered half of the wall, two couches, a recliner, which made me wonder who would use a recliner at a place like this? There was even a play place with the biggest train track and station I had ever seen. Not only that but the window in the front wall overlooked the floor in the arena. To see the show we didn't even have to leave the suite if we didn't want to.

So this is how the rich and famous live?

Ethan was being very well behaved today, he ate most of his eggs but didn't touch the sausage. Edward let him up to play as we sat at the table to finish our food.

Edward was picking at his bacon when he looked up at me, confusion in his eyes. "Bella, may I ask you something?"

Reluctantly, I answered, "Sure. What is it?"

"You've told me about your past with that douche Mike, but that was like what? Three years ago or so? Have you not dated since?"

Crap. Of course he would have to ask something that would involve me opening up. Edward had always been honest with me and he deserved the same. This is what friends do, right? Get to know each other?

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. I've maybe been on three dates since our divorce, but I choose to be single Edward. I'm kind of a relationship-phobe now, they scare me. I've brainwashed myself to believe that I would rather be single than have to endure anything like that hurt ever again. I can't convince my heart to open up and even try."

"But you know that every guy is not a Mike, right?" I felt as though Edward was putting himself in that category, and he didn't deserve that.

"I know that, especially someone like you. You and he are not even of the same species." I smiled at Edward. I just wanted to hug him. "Think of it as this--my ideas of love now are tainted. It's hard for me to separate love from heartbreak. It's all I know. It seems like an impossibility to me to have one without the other. And I just can't ever see myself opening up to allow that kind of pain in my life again."

I watched as Edward jabbed at his cut up pancake with his fork. It seemed as though I was hurting him some how.

"Edward, look at me. When all that happened with Mike, hell, _as_ it was happening, there were days I felt as though I couldn't breathe and I didn't know if I could survive." My voice cracked at my admission, "I didn't even know if I _wanted_ to. I don't ever and I mean EVER want to live through that again. So if I have to die a single woman to avoid feeling that cracked emptiness in my soul - in my being. I will."

"Bella," was all he said as he sighed. He must have been searching for words because a couple of times he would open his mouth, only to shut it again. "I just wish ..."

"What? You wish what?"

"You could..you would... try."

I knew what he was saying. I wanted to tell him I wished that too. Every time I had the chance. Each birthday candle I blew out. Every time I witnessed a shooting star. When I spoke out loud to the first star in the sky. When I lost an eyelash and blew it off my finger. Any opportunity I had to wish, I wished for my broken to heart to forget the pain so it could love again.

_If wishes were true, shepherds would be kings. _

Our conversation was cut short when Ethan fell and bumped his head. Edward and I both went over to console him.

Edward mentioned it was almost eleven and the pre-show was about to begin. We ventured outside of our suite and walked the few steps down to the floor. Ethan between us, holding both our hands.

We watched the elephant named Daisy who painted pictures with her trunk. Then we watched as the lady who hung by her hair took the floor, or I guess that would be took the ceiling. As we walked the center floor, the tension or whatever it was between Edward and I seemed to disappear. We began to laugh and enjoy the show.

We took our seats as the floor cleared and the lights dimmed. Ethan was a ball of energy. He was enjoying this so much. He sat in Edward's lap and I sat beside them. Sometimes he would crawl over and sit with me and twirl my hair before something would spark his interest again and he would jump up again.

At some point Edward reached down and held my hand. Such a simple gesture, but it filled my eyes with tears. He knew that in my own way, I was damaged goods and yet he still wanted to be my friend. I wished I was different. I wished I wasn't so scared,_ but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride._

_I wish I knew the good of wishing. _

_I wish I could stop the frequent quotes running through my head._

The circus was a sight to be seen! I loved the music and the energy. The motorcycles that drove inside the ball--all nine of them--had such a level of danger, it was breathtaking. Oh and the trapeze artists and the tight rope walkers, just WOW! Then everyone loves the clowns, everyone but Ethan, I think they scared him. Then there were the contortion people that were just - yuck. Freaky. But most of all it was all the colors that I loved. It was beautiful and eye-catching and it just made me smile – a lot.

Every now and then I looked around at the people sitting higher up, filling the seats where I would normally be. For some reason a little girl with piggy tails caught my eye. She had dark hair like mine, and her mother sat beside her looking irritated. I noticed this young lady was watching me – us. I'm sure she saw Edward and Ethan as my little family and I already knew what was running through her mind. "_I hope someday I can sit in the important seats with my own family like that_." I knew because that was what I would have been thinking. I wanted to run up there and school her in the ways of the world. I wanted to tell her to guard her heart from assholes like Mike Newton but love with all she had when she met her Edward. I longed to tell her dreams can come true and don't ever give up and please believe that you're worth it. Then I laughed thinking that if someone would have done that to me twenty years ago I would have written them off as a crazy old woman and not listened to a word they said.

_Old woman, psht, thirty is the new eighteen kid! _

Edward squeezed my hand and I looked at him. "You having fun?" he asked.

All I could do was nod my head because right now, I didn't have words perfect enough to express what I felt.

_**~*X*~**_

_There is no more sure tie between friends than when they are united in their objects and wishes. _

_Cicero_

_**~*X*~**_

* * *

**Just a filler chappy b/c ladies, it's about to speed up. Remember I said this will only be between 15-20 chapters, so we are pretty much in the middle, I don't think it will go 20.**

**I have a thread that afragilelittlehuman started over at Twi, come & play with us. Link on profile (there is even a picture of our Ethan!)**

**I wrote about B&B's Circus 'cuz I got to go Phillip's Arena in ATL a couple of months ago. My fams had a private suite & everything! I loved it & have pics if ur interested. Oh – the Key Arena at the Seattle Center is real, I Googled that! (if ur from Seattle I hope I didn't goof it up, if I did - read disclaimer below) **

**I have a mini rant/disclaimer so if you don't want to hear it go ahead & review, it probs isn't for you anyway. I just want to remind any1 that this is FICTION. Which means my story = my rules. If I want to make the grass orange & the sky magenta, I CAN. There are no boundaries. This is straight out of my imagination. Do we really need to know which form LawyerElla is filling out to complete this adoption? I don't & I don't think you want to to be bored with those details either, do you? I mean really, we are using characters SM created in our own way, they were VAMPS that SPARKLED & drank from animals ppl! Did you want to flame her after reading Twi? If you feel that my story is not good, it really is simple, just don't read it. I have enough wonderful, beautiful, lovely friends who like it. They are all I need. ~Stacy =] **


	9. Ch 9, Forks, Birthdays & More Songs

**Thanks to Becky for betaing this on a Holiday. I am one impatient little woman. **

**Much love to Fragile for the pre read!**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing. **

**As usual not mine, blah-blah-blah.**

**325 reviews!! Are you serious??!!! I swear it was just the other day I was begging to reach 100! **

**There is music/lyrics in this chapter, it helps to go to my profile & listen, they matter. **

**Enjoy this bb's! It's the calm before the storm 0_o**

* * *

_**~*X*~**_

_The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. _

_~Mother Teresa_

_**~*X*~**_

I flopped back on the edge of my bed in wonder. Just having said goodbye to Edward and Ethan I was still smiling. It was amazing how much of a feeling of belonging I experienced when we were together. I mean the circus! That's where families go right? Parents take their kids to the circus don't they?

As I lay there lost in my memories, replaying it all in my head, the dark clouds slowly moved in on my heart. It was like that person who you thought was a good friend, but all they ever did was bring you down. They reminded you of the bad and they never let you be happy and bask in the good things happening in your life. That was what my subconscious was doing yet, I knew it was a method of self preservation. Allowing myself to feel that they were my mine was just...wrong.

It was a very good possibility that any day Edward could meet someone and fall in love. I would have to watch as Ethan finally had a mommy and Edward would have a wife. The stabbing pain that ripped through my heart reminded me I was getting too close. I wouldn't be able to handle such a thing if I continued on the path I was on. Why would I lie to myself so? Why would I allow myself to think such a thing? I was only his friendly lawyer. Me thinking otherwise was murder for my wounded spirit. Edward was not mine and neither was Ethan. I had no right.

I owed it to them both to bury my silly emotions and be the best lawyer and friend I could be. That was all they asked for, and I would not deny them of that.

So I bargained with my heart, I reasoned with my soul, I told my wanton lust to take a hike and in my head I drew my boundaries.

In my mind I formed a list--per se--of what I was, and was not, allowed to think. The feelings I would deal with on an as needed basis, but my thoughts – I had to rein them in now.

**~*X*~**

So as weeks turned into months and I continued to spend more and more time with them, I pretty much gained control of my thoughts around them. Some days were more difficult than others.

The days when Ethan was clingy and wanted me to hold him or sit with him for hours on the couch were especially tough. The thought of '_my baby_' drifting in and out of my mind was hard to ward off.

The days when Edward looked at me with a strange emotion brewing behind his eyes, it was hard for me to keep my distance. I repeated the manta _'Just friends, just friends, just friends'_ through my head, but my body wanted to respond in a not so friendly way. More of a I-wanna-ride-you-like-the-stallion-you-are-way. As much as I tried to distance myself, Edward never seemed to back off. His calls became more frequent, daily now. He still held my hand every chance he could. He still sat really close to me on the couch, on the park bench, on the bench seats at McDonald's – wherever.

One day as we were walking through Publix grocery shopping, I finally voiced my opinion. "You are never going to be able to find yourself a suitable wife you know."

He stopped the cart dead in the aisle. "What?!"

"I mean, we both know that some day your Mrs. Right is going to come along, and because I'm here... hovering, you won't feel comfortable to approach her. Promise me you will. Don't let me hold you back, okay?" It hurt to say it and I had to swallow really hard to keep my eyes from tearing up.

He turned to look at me as I stared at Ethan as he sat facing us in the grocery cart. I reached up and began to finger Ethan's hair.

"Bella. Are you serious? Is that what you think? You're holding me... back?"His face was awash with shock.

I nodded. "I just know that it must appear, to others, that we are a... couple. I mean – a family and that's not fair to you or Ethan."

It sounded as though as he mumbled 'I don't care' as he started to push the cart forward. Then he abruptly stopped again and looked at me.

He stepped a step closer, his voice low. "How would you feel if I said the same thing?"

I swallowed really hard. Again.

"Ethan and I could be holding you back from meeting your future husband. What do you think about that?"

My breath now coming in spurts and tears still threatening to fill my eyes. I knew the answer. I didn't give a shit. If I missed my chance at meeting my soul mate it was worth it just to get to spend this time with them.

His eyes searching mine, "Well?"

"I don't care Edward. I don't care what people think of us, of what we are to each other." My eyes locked with his. "It's worth it," I whispered.

"I feel the same way Bella." His eyes spoke sincerity. Total sincerity.

The swirl of emotions that sounded out in his voice made my knees weak. I didn't know what to think. surely he really didn't feel the same way I did. I mean, it wasn't …. possible. Was it?

"Just don't say such things ever again. All right?" It wasn't really a question but more of a demand.

I agreed and we finished our grocery shopping in silence.

**~*X*~**

It had been almost three months now that I had been representing Edward. Three wonderful months of good times and great friendship. Three hideous months of me keeping the equivalent to female blue balls, but I was getting by okay.

We had been back to Alice's family lounge two other times. I insisted on riding with Rose and not drinking very much. I didn't want to tempt myself. The guys had not played again together. One time Emmett got up and sang some cheezy rock ballad for Rose, but that was about it. I kept meaning to ask Edward why. I kinda missed them playing together.

It soon came to be that for some reason every decision Edward made concerning Ethan involved me. Every. Single. One.

Like Ethan's hair cuts.

Shopping for Ethan's toys, books, clothes, whatever. I was always there. It wasn't even really a choice for me, I was just... there. Expected and welcomed.

Taking Ethan to the park. Or for ice cream. Or anywhere. I was there.

He wanted to get Ethan on a waiting list for a decent preschool, so Edward made appointments for us to visit them all! ALL! Some more than decision as to which one to choose was long and tedious, but when we finally decided which one, it was such a weight lifted off our shoulders that we celebrated. We bought wine and steaks and fresh flowers for Edward's place. Evenings between us three like that--spent at home enjoying each others company--were bitter sweet. Like my own personal poison. _I craved more nights of the same, but I knew in the long-run, they could slowly kill me. _

Edward didn't know when Ethan's actual birth date was, so after all the medical testing, AKA guessing, he and his family decided that Ethan and Edward would celebrate their birthdays together. Ethan would be three in two weeks, and Edward would be twenty-eight.

Emmett approached me one day as he was leaving Rose's and I was leaving the loft about going to Forks with everyone. There was going to be a big dinner at the Cullens to celebrate their birthdays. Of course I agreed, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The next day Edward asked me the same thing. He told me that Rose, Alice and I were invited to stay in the pool house for an adult slumber party at his parents place and even though my folks were in Fork's that I should really considerate it. It didn't take me long, "Sure that sounds like fun." I knew the doubts of my decision would invade me later. I would deal with them then.

The next two weeks, I deliberated and I Googled. I couldn't think of anything to buy Edward for his birthday. I knew of one thing I was going to give him, and it more or less couldn't be wrapped. I made a few phone calls and then talked to Emmett about it and we set it up when we could do it. I was a nervous wreck about it and there was no doubt that night would involve some sort of alcohol.

I had bought Ethan this toddler mp3 player I found online. As much as he liked to listen to music I knew it would be perfect for him.

One day at the office I mentioned my gift search to Angela, and her being the perfect assistant she was, she sent me an online link to what she thought would be a good gift for Edward. After I looked at it, I knew it wasn't a good gift, it was the perfect one.

**~*X*~**

As I packed for our weekend, I was a mix of nerves, excitement, joy and dread. _How is it possible that one person could feel so many different things at once? _

I had not spent the night with another female since high school, maybe even junior high. It just wasn't something I did often, then or now. This weekend I was going to spend the night with TWO of them. Not only that, but Edward would be just across the yard. All weekend – that included nights; long, dark nights. I was going to give Edward his gift – both of them. I would be seeing Esme again. I had only seen her about four times since that first time because I hadn't been to Forks, but I had seen her and Carlisle in Seattle.

Edward was picking me up early Saturday morning. Rose and Emmett were coming Saturday afternoon, and Alice and Jasper had actually gone late Friday because Alice wanted to decorate the Cullen house.

Things were pretty quiet between us on the way to Forks.

"Is something wrong?" Edward asked as he lazily held my hand and traced my thumb with his own.

I shook my head. "I'm just nervous, that's all."

"About what?"

"Everything."

"Bella you have no reason to be. It's just us."

"I know, but it's who I am. I haven't really spent this much time with other people - like - at once."

"If you want some time away, just let me know, we can go for a drive or something. Don't be nervous, I want you to have a good time." He squeezed my hand.

I squeezed his hand back. I couldn't tell him the main reason for my nerves, it was his surprise. I knew that once tonight came and it was time, my nerves would calm down, but until then, I wanted to barf.

**~*X*~**

Esme and Alice were outside on the patio, the kitchen decorated for a birthday party nonetheless, but obviously more for Ethan than Edward. I doubt that Edward cared for balloons with firetrucks and bouncy balls. If they would have asked, I would have told them that Ethan's favorite character was Batman.

_Oh well._

Soon Emmett and Rose were there and us girls were chatting and unpacking in the pool house. It was gorgeous as expected. I found out that Alice and Jasper were going to be returning to Seattle after dinner. They wouldn't be going out with us tonight or staying in Forks. Something had come up with one of Jasper's clients and he had to meet them in the morning.

Esme was looking good. Well not good, but not worse than the last time I saw her. I noticed her face was starting to swell some. I also watched Emmett around her, he seemed to be torn between wanting to take care of her and wanting to give all his attention to Rose. I think Rose noticed too, so she joined Emmett in his doting and concern.

Esme hated all the fuss over her. Carlisle just sat back and watched with amusement. Edward seemed to be eying me a lot and Esme just wanted to hold and play with Ethan.

What a wonderful, perfect, loving family.

Around five o'clock, Alice and Jasper asked for everyone to join them in the dining room to eat. They wore matching aprons and stood arm in arm standing over the table of food they had prepared together.

Ethan sat at one end of the table nestled in between Edward and I. We both kept encouraging him to eat the baked chicken and the vegetables. I think he ate some, enough to be expected. It didn't go unnoticed that Esme was watching us with approving eyes. _Oh to know what she was thinking!_

We then all merged into the living room to open gifts. Ethan went first with Esme's help. He screamed as he opened each present just to throw it to the floor and grab the next. Jasper and Emmett both picked them up and began to untangle them out of their boxes. He got a Leap Frog reading pen, a bunch of action figures, and his favorite, a Batmobile. He didn't know what my mp3 player was but that was okay, I would show him later.

Then it was Edward's turn. Carlisle gave him some kind of medical books, Edward seemed to appreciate them. Jasper and Alice gave him a new camcorder, saying he might want to record Ethan in the future. He opened some kind of hand-held GPS from Emmett, who stated that he wanted to go hiking with Edward in the mountains, and that's where they could use it. "Awesome" was Edward's reply.

Then Edward picked up my box, and my pulse quickened slightly and my knee was bobbing on its own accord. He looked up at me with a sly grin and I bit my lip and shrugged

The room grew quiet as he opened it, except for Ethan running around pushing the Batmobile. I heard Esme gasp and Edward breathed, "Bella."

It was an adoption memoir. It was bound in leather with "_The Cullens_" stamped on the front and below that was that first picture Edward had shown me of Ethan, I had swiped it from his place one day. I hope he didn't mind.

"It's like a baby book for adoptive parents. You have lots of space to fill in things you remember and things you experience along the way."

Edward had it in his hands and was coming toward me. His eyes were filled with... tears and... he hugged me, so hard I lost my breath. "It's perfect," he whispered.

He rocked me back and forth and I opened my eyes to everyone watching us. The ladies were wiping tears out of their eyes and the men sat quietly.

"You just don't know how perfect this is. Someday... you'll see." He pulled back and looked at the book again, flipping through the pages.

"I know how important it is. Someday...someday you'll want to share this journey with Ethan, with your… wife, with Ethan's wife and kids and this was just one way to help you do that." I spoke quietly. My words were meant for just Edward.

Edward looked up and paused, he brought his thumb up to trace my cheek, "You just don't know Bella, but soon. Soon I hope you'll understand."

Alice and Rose came to stand beside us, interrupted and asked me if I was ready to go get changed.

"Where are we going?" Edward asked still standing deliciously close to me.

"We've got big plans Bro!" Emmett said slapping Edward on the back.

"Jaz, I'll be back in about an hour okay? I'm going to hang with the girls for a few." Alice said as she blew him a kiss.

"Sure. Take your time."

_Can you say perfect couple?_

Rose and Alice giggled beside me all the way to the pool house.

Alice went to the fridge and grabbed us each a bottle of Bacardi to sip on as we dressed.

"You know he likes you, right?" Rose asked me.

"Who? Edward?" I asked as I turned forty shades of red.

"Yes. Edward."

"Rose, it's not like that. We're just...really close. Friends. That's it. I'm his lawyer."

"So?"

"Bella, I've predicted this ever since I first met you. I knew that you and Edward would get along so well together. Don't fight it."

_Psht, Alice and her "feelings." Geez._

"It's just not that easy you two." I searched through my bag for my hair brush.

"It can be." Alice stated.

"I love Emmett." Rose stated. "And Bella it's not that easy, but it's so worth it."

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." Alice preached.

"Alice, are you getting all philosophical on us?" Rose snickered.

"Not yet, but I will if you two bitches don't get your act together and claim your men. I mean daaaaaaamn!" Alice was snapping her fingers trying to be funny.

"Seriously though Bella, love wins. Love always wins." Alice's eyes were knowing and honest and seemed to gaze into the darkest hallows of my heart.

"Let's get you ready. Sounds like you got a big night ahead." With that, all the talk of Edward and I was gone for now. I remained calm on the outside as they helped me primp, while my insides churned like a summer storm.

**~*X*~**

Two hours later all four of us were riding in a stretch limo that Emmett had rented. We were already on our second bottle of champagne as we pulled into the Reservation and my stomach was doing somersaults. I had on a simple but fitted black dress that hung a little off my shoulders. Rose was dressed to kill as usual in her red peasant blouse and black leather skirt. Emmett and Edward both had on simple button ups and slacks, but it really didn't matter what they wore. When you are beyond gorgeous you are just beyond gorgeous. It was the laws of the universe.

I tried not to stare at Edward too much. I willed myself to keep my hands in my lap, my lips to myself and my legs closed. The funny thing was, I intended on drinking tonight, I HAD TO with what I was about to do, and with that alcohol, came the knowledge that I know I will become flirty and forget all about my boundaries.

_Poor Edward. _

I was going to try my best to pace myself and do this the right way and do it as sober as possible. _That just wasn't very much_.

"What are we doing here?" Edward asked as we climbed out of the limo.

"It's the second part of your gift from me," I answered shyly.

"What? There's more. Bella you don't hav----"

"Hush," I interrupted. "I want to. Just wait and see."

We entered the small bar, the wooden sign reading "LEGENDS" hung above the door. There were only about six other people in there, all old faces I knew.

"Bella!" Before I could respond I was snatched up and spun around by Jacob, the smell of leather and oak filled my nostrils.

I heard a squeal and as soon as Jacob sat me down her arms were draped around my neck.

I then began the introductions. "Everyone this is Jacob and his fiance Leah, they are long time family friends."

"This is Emmett and his girlfriend Rose, who is also my neighbor. And this is Edward."

"So you're the lucky one." Jacob said with a firm grasp and hand shake. Edward's eyes narrowed at him and I suddenly felt tension in the room.

"Um, Emmett and Edward are brothers." I stated.

"Nice to meet you both," Jacob said a little friendlier as he shook their hands. Leah right behind him, "I'm so glad you're all here." She turned to me, "Bells, it's been so long."

"I know. I know. Do we have a table yet?"

Leah rolled her eyes, "Yeah 'cause the place is so packed huh? You probably wanna be close to the front, just help yourself. I'll get someone over there to get you all something to drink."

"Yes quickly!" I whispered in her ear.

I showed them our table and we all sat down. "So this place is near and dear to my heart. I've been coming here with my dad since I could walk. And yes I know it's a bar, but it's not all drunks and gun fights. My dad's good friend Sam owns the place and we would sometimes come every weekend. This bar, this reservation, it all became my home away from home. I just wanted to share it with you all."

"Cool," Edward said as he sat back in his chair and relaxed a little. "And Jacob? Old friends you said?" A questionable look on his face.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, really old friends. We were in diapers together. He's like a brother to me. He's been with Leah going on about five years now."

Quil came to our table bringing beers and a round of tequila shots. I gulped mine quickly knowing that at anytime we were about to start.

Leah and Jacob started to set up and I saw Jacob walk to the back to flick the lights.

"I'm gonna run to the bathroom," I announced and excused myself.

I quickened my pace as I walked into the small bathroom. I stood at the mirror looking at myself and taking deep breaths. 'What are you doing?' I mumbled to my reflection. I then continued to give myself a pep talk. 'It's his birthday. He deserves this. He did it for you and now you are going to do it for him. You are a big girl Bella. You can handle this. Jacob and Leah will be up there with you and you can sing for Edward. You. Can. Do. This.'

I stopped by the bar on the way out and got a double shot since I knew that it may be bit before I had a chance to get another one.

I noticed Jacob and Edward were standing at the back of the bar having a discussion. It seemed to teetering between tense and not, tense and not. I decided to interrupt.

"You ready Jacob?" He nodded his head and walked off after giving Edward one more not-so-friendly glance.

"Remember, this is for your birthday. I haven't done this in a while. Especially in front of people who aren't from the Res. So no judging me! Got it?" I asked as we walked back over to our table.

Edward seemed to be awfully quiet as he found his seat and I stood by a stool at the designated place in the bar. No stage, _thank God,_ just a small little corner, just like we used to do it.

Jacob came over and asked what song I wanted to start off with. I told him 'Mike's' and he knew which one I was talking about. In too short a time I saw Jacob take the guitar as Leah sat behind the drums.

"I think you all can figure out who this one is for," I said into the mic as I sat on the stool and the guitar strumming started. I crossed my feet and stared down, afraid to make eye contact with my table, my friends. I was unsure how they would take this - this extension of myself. Me pouring my thoughts into songs. Me unmasking my vulnerability and baring it all.

I closed my eyes as I began to sing. _"She's beautiful in her simple little way. She don't have too much to say when she gets mad. She understands, she don't let go of anything. Even when the pain gets really bad. I guess I should've been more like that, You had it all for a pretty little whil_e....."

I continued to sing and didn't open my eyes, I let my body sway slightly with the music. _"I guess you got what you deserve. I guess I should've been more like her. Forgiving you, well, she's stronger than I am, You don't look much like a man from where I'm at..."_

As I ended the song I finally looked up at my table. Tears were streaming down Rose's face. Emmett was standing, cheering, sticking his fingers in his mouth whistling and Edward – he just sat there. He mouthed "wow" and clapped his hands, his grin growing by the second.

I blew out a deep breath and Quil brought me a shot and a drink of water. Someone must have told him the drill.

Jacob came to me and whispered in my ear. I told him the second song I wanted to sing. He asked, "you sure?" and I nodded.

This time Jacob took over the drums and Leah positioned herself at the keyboard. I couldn't do Kelly Clarkson justice, I didn't even try. I just sang the lyrics in my little soprano voice. But I hoped Edward understood what I was saying. This time the alcohol was taking effect and I felt a little braver. I kept my eyes open as I began to sing. _"Love can be of many splendid things. Can't deny the joy it brings. A dozen roses, diamond rings, dreams for sail and fairy tales. It will make you hear a symphony and you just want the world to see, but like a drug that makes you blind, it will fool you every time..." _

Edward smiled. Not big, but just barely and I had to look away because this was deep for me. "_Now I was once a fool it's true. I played the game by all the rules, but now my world's a deeper blue. I'm sadder but I'm wiser too. I swore I'd never love again. Swore my heart would never mend. Said love wasn't worth the pain...But then I hear it call my name." _

I kept my eyes closed. I didn't want to see rejection or sadness or understanding even. I kept them closed until the song was over. More hoots and hollers and claps and I jumped down from the stool. "Break?" Jacob asked. I nodded and headed over to my table.

As Jacob walked by he raised his eyebrows and said "Told ya'," to Edward. Edward shook his head and looked away.

"What was all that about?" I asked as I sat down.

"Nothing." Edward turned to face me. "I love to hear you sing. Best present ever." He whispered and kissed my cheek making me blush.

We wasted an hour or so talking about nothing really and drinking more. I was feeling it just enough.

Jacob came by our table and asked, "You wanna sing one more Bella?"

I glanced over to Edward who seemed to have a little of the glassy-eye himself.

Emmett announced the limo would be back in forty-five minutes.

"Yeah, one more." I stood a little wobbly on these heels.

I leaned over, ran my hands into the fine bronze silk on Edward's neck, I pulled him close to me and whispered in his ear, "This one is just for you."

I joined Leah and Jacob on stage again. I told Jacob what I was going to sing, he shook his head and laughed. This time I didn't sit down. This time I couldn't stop smiling. My embarrassment filter was long gone thanks to Jose Cuervo. _He's such a friend of mine, _I giggled.

The guitar started and Leah was my back-up singer. I bit my lip before we began. "_I'm ridin' in your car. You turn on the radio. You're pullin' me close. I just say no. I say I don't like it but you know I'm a liar 'cause when we kiss, ooh-ooh – fire."_

Bold - yeah that's me.

_"Late at night you're takin' me home. You say you wanna stay I say I wanna be alone. I say I don't love you but you know-ow I'm a li-iar. 'Cause when we kiss, ooh-ooh – fire." _

Fire was putting it lightly.

_"You had a hold on me right from the start a grip so tight, I couldn't tear it apart. My nerves all jumpin', actin' like a fool. Well, your kisses, they burn but my heart.. stays.._ _cool." _

Silence.

_"Well, Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah, Baby you can bet a love they couldn't deny. My words say split but my words they lie.'Cause when we kiss ooh-ooh – fire."_

Before I knew it Edward was there, right…there, in my face. His breath so close I could smell the tequila. He took the microphone from my hand and laid it on the empty stool. His dark green eyes called to me.

He grabbed my wrist and led me out the front door. The limo wasn't there yet. He pulled me around to the side of the bar. There was just a small space between the buildings. Just enough for us to fit in between. His breath was as jagged as mine. The passion in the air was so thick, I felt like I couldn't move.

His knuckles were white from the fists he was making. He took two small steps to the right and two more to the left before stopping in front of me again.

He slowly brought his hands up to cup my face. I smelled him again. I wanted to melt. Melt into him. Merge with him and be one big ol' Bellaward.

His lips right there. So close.

"It's still my birthday."

I nodded.

"I want just one more... small... thing." His fingers pinched together to show something tiny.

Still nodding(I do this a lot.)

"Please don't deny me."

My nodding stopped and slow shaking of my head began.

"Kiss Me."

_**~*X*~**_

_Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place. _

_~Zora Neale Hurston_

_**~*X*~**_

_Love wins, love always wins._

_~ Mitch Albom_

_**~*X*~**_

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**Mrs. R here, Soooooooooooo, what'cha think? Something else to find out about in H&HG right? Raise your hand if you want to know what Edward & Jacob were talking about? You do know what H&HG is right? Horseshoes & Hand Grenandes, it is EPOV of this fic. Yep, 2 chappies are already posted._ Yum - Edward.. (I sound like Homer when he thinks of donuts)_**

**I got a new Blackberry & a new laptop for Christmas and I still can't type worth a shit. **

**Review, I love to hear from you! **

**Twitter: Mrs_Robward**

* * *

**Miranda Lambert**, lyrics to **More Like Her**

She's beautiful in her simple little way  
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad  
She understands, she don't let go of anything  
Even when the pain gets really bad  
I guess I should've been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while  
And somehow you made me smile when I was sad  
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart  
And then you realized you wanted what you had  
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride  
I should have never let you lie  
I guess you got what you deserve  
I guess I should've been more like her

Forgiving you, well, she's stronger than I am  
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at  
It's plain to see, desperation showed its truth  
You love her as she loves you with all she has  
I guess I should've been more like that

I should have held on to my pride  
I should have never let you lie  
I guess you got what you deserve  
I guess I should've been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple little way

* * *

**Kelly Clarkson,** lyrics to **The Trouble With Love Is**

Love can be of many splendid things  
Can't deny the joy it brings  
A dozen roses, diamond rings  
Dreams for sail and fairy tails  
It will make you hear a symphony  
And you just want the world to see  
But like a drug that makes you blind  
It will fool you everytime

The trouble with love is  
It can tear you up inside  
Make your heart believe a lie  
It's stronger than your pride  
The trouble with love is  
It doesnt care how fast you fall  
And you can't refuse the call  
See you've got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it's true  
I played the game by all the rules  
But now my worlds a deeper blue  
I'm sadder but I'm wiser too  
I'd swore I'd never love again  
Swore my heart would never mend  
Said love wasn't worth the pain  
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is  
It can tear you up inside  
Make your heart believe a lie  
It's stronger than your pride  
The trouble with love is  
It doesn't care how fast you fall  
And you can't refuse the call  
See you've got no say at all

Everytime I turn around  
I think I've got it all figured out  
My heart keeps callin and I keep on falling  
over and over again  
This sad story always ends the same  
Me standin in the pouring rain  
It seems no matter what I do  
It tears my heart in two

* * *

**Pointer Sisters**, lyrics to **Fire**

I'm ridin' in your car  
You turn on the radio  
You're pullin' me close  
I just say no-o-o  
I say I don't like it  
But you know I'm a li-iar  
'Cause when we kiss  
Ooh-ooh - fire

Late at night  
You're takin' me home  
You say you wanna stay  
I say I wanna be alone  
I say I don't love you  
But you know-ow I'm a li-iar  
'Cause when we kiss  
Ooh-ooh - fire

You had a hold on me right from the start  
A grip so tight, I couldn't tear it apart  
My nerves all jumpin', actin' like a fool  
Well, your kisses, they burn  
But my hear-eart stays coo-ool

Well, Romeo and Juliet  
Samson and Delilah  
Baby you can bet  
A love they couldn't deny  
My words say split  
But my wor-ords they lie-ie  
'Cause when we kiss  
Ooh-ooh - fire

Ooh-ooh - fire  
Hot kisses like - fire  
Burn me up with - fire  
I like what you doin' now - fire  
'Cause you mean it - fire  
Watchin' me, burnin' me with - fire  
Take me home - fire  
Kisses like - Fire [fade]


	10. Ch 10, Walls, Tears, & Words

**ALMOST 400 reviews! I. AM. HONORED! **

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**Sheena, thanks for the pre-read & assuring me that this chapter was not crap!**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**To all of this who read this, review, encourage me, chat w/me on Twitter - I love you all! HARD!**

* * *

~*X*~

_Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it._

_~ J.K. Rowling_

~*X*~

**Warning: Please remain seated as the ride begins, keep your arms & hands inside the cart at all times. Stay seated until the ride comes to a complete stop. It's about to get bumpy ladies. Hold me. **

_"Kiss Me."~ Edward chapter 9_

Oh the power of words. How do I tell him that I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips, his hands, his chest, his hips... _him_ all over me. Now. And for a long time to come.

I just told him what his kiss does to me. It sets my whole being ablaze. _Fire._ I'd never experienced such a thing, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was sure to burst into an out of control inferno at any given second.

His words _"kiss me"_ were twirling around in my head like a tornado. I could see those six little letters swirling and swirling around, destroying everything in their wake. My boundaries were in pieces. My resolve in shreds. My resistance…gone.

_Damn, I drank too much tequila._

"Happy Birthday," I whispered as I licked my lips, my hands eaching out for home, for Edward. As I tediously moved my palms up his chest, he moved closer – closer - closer still.

Then it was as I thought it should be. I felt him everywhere. His body pressed up against me, my fire was burning hotter than ever before, with no possibility of it ever being quenched. Ever.

He grabbed my hands from his chest and raised them both above my head. The cold, damp bricks of the outside wall pressed up against me trying to wake me from my dream. _This isn't really happening, is it? _

With my arms outstretched above my head, I leaned my head back against the wall. His nose tickled the inside of my inner arm as he leaned in toward me. The sensation of the way his hands traced down my arms, first my fingers to palms to forearms to elbows to shoulders, it was so innocent yet so seductive.

As soon as his hands were at my waist, I went in for the kill. He was enjoying this slow burn too much, and I wanted him to pour a little gasoline on the fire so I could instantly feel the heat.

He turned his head so now our noses were touching, and I could smell the liquor mixed with the sweet nectar of Edward, my mouth watered. "I wish you knew how you made me feel, Bella."

I wished I did too. I'd already been over all my wishes remember? Oh wait, that was in my head. He didn't know my wishes. If I would have told, if I revealed my wishes, they would become too real. My wishes would some how be more than a wish and everyone would pity me when they knew the desires of my heart. I would be written off as a dreamer. A silly girl who wished for things out of her reach. Her standards too high, yearning for princes and horse-drawn carriages and happily-ever-afters. Yet, here she was; single, riding the bus and her future – bleak.

At least one wish came true, Edward Cullen kissed me. His lips were so soft against mine. I let my hands fall atop his shoulders and wound my fingers into his hair. I pulled him closer, so close we were almost one. And then just like that, the frenzy began. His lips parted, his tongue snaked out to meet mine. I tasted him, that nectar I spoke of earlier, it was like a drug to me, the more of him I drank in, the more I craved. I couldn't get enough.

If this was what he was offering - kisses and gropes and whatever in the hell was to come, call me greedy, but I was taking it all. Tomorrow can be dealt with – tomorrow.

Our kisses never slowed. I felt his hands inching down to laze over my ass. I pulled my hips away from the wall and into him so he could get a better grip. This caused me to feel him even more! The joke '_is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me_', drifted through my mind and caused me to smirk.

Edward noticed and pulled back ever so slightly. His hands still on my ass, touching, mapping, teasing me to no end!

"Like I said Bella, if you only knew how you made me feel." He put emphasis on feel as he ground his banana into me again.

_Oh God._

"Tell me Edward. How do I make you fe--," his lips came down on mine again. We were panting as though we had just finished a marathon. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered in such turmoil, I was dizzy.

The atmosphere around us was quiet except for the beat of the music inside and our own primordial sounds .

Edwards hands soon found the edge of my dress on my upper thigh. It was already hiked up some, with his thumb he traced around the edge of my dress, like he was waiting for the gate keeper to let him in.

"Please," I urged.

His nose now buried in my hair, his lips to my ear. My chest rapidly dancing against his, he whispered "you can tell me stop, don't let me go too far Bella."

"Please," I moaned, "don't stop."

I lifted one leg to rest against the wall behind us. Thank goodness I was intoxicated because sober Bella would never let this happen.

_Not yet_.

"Fuck," he groaned as his fingers move under my skirt on the outside of my thighs, just slowly moving back and forth. The contact of his fingers against my legs made me grind into him again.

His name escaped my lips as I found the edge of his shirt and rudely jammed my hands under it to touch his skin. I wanted to feel him. If this was a dream, I was going to take advantage of as much as I could.

He began kissing, licking, sucking on my neck, as I teased as much of the bare skin under his shirt that I could. The flesh on his sides was the softest thing I had ever touched. His abs were hard and each one had a small definitive outline. His lower back rose and fell right above his ass cheeks in a way that made me want to lick it. A lot.

I was so lost in the discovery of his body, that I hadn't realized his fingers were now on the insides of my thighs. For a fleeting moment I was embarrassed. What would he think when he felt how wet I was? Would he even we want to touch me?

Edward put one of his arms around my waist to hold me tight to him at the same time that I felt his fingers glossing over my sex. His touch turned my whole body into a freakin' furnace.

_It had been so long._

"Holy Hell!" He spoke into my shoulder as his touch became more. More of what I wanted, more of what I so desperately needed, more.

"Do you want me to stop?" His voice was low and gravelly.

I couldn't speak, so I quickly shook my head and let my fingernails scrape down this chest.

He pulled his head up to look at me, his finger tips still slowly moving outside the satin covering me... down there.

"You sure?" he asked as his eyes bore into me with passion so intense it took my breath away. I wanted to freeze time and ask him a million questions. I wanted to know what that look meant! What was that emotion hiding in his eyes? Did he really want to do this? Is this his…more?

I bit my lip as I slowly nodded my head. My knee resting at his hip with my foot still up against the wall behind him gave me some leverage. I moved my hips slightly against his palm. His eyes slit at me and once again his lips were seducing mine.

I felt his fingers move under my satin thong. His thumb slowly rubbing my clit as his fingers traced the edge. I couldn't stop the high pitched moan that escaped my lips as I panted. I pulled my hands out from underneath his shirt and wrapped them around his neck. My knees were getting weak and I needed something to hold me up.

He kissed his way down my neck and back up to rest his lips against my ear.

His finger-lishious torture was almost too much for me to bear. He was a master. I wondered if he had trophies hidden in his closet for his finger skills? Just as Tina Turner had insurance on her legs, someone needed to insure this boy's magical fingers, Good God Almighty!

When he inserted his finger, I thought I just might lose it right there. His thumb was still touching me in all the right ways as his long, lean middle finger moved in and out of me with moves that had to be illegal.

My hips had a mind of their own and began to move with him. "Oh shit," I muttered as I let my head fall back against the wall again.

"Bella just…let go."

Let go of what? My boundaries? My self preservation? My walls protecting my broken heart? _I thought I was._

"Let go," he sighed at the same time as he curled his masterful finger and his thumb pressed on my love button.

_Oh...let go of THAT. _

And so I did. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head forward to bite on his shoulder as I felt wave after wave of bliss agitate inside the deepest corners of my being. Flashes of iridescent lights danced behind my closed lids and I briefly wondered if I had ever been so close to heaven before.

As soon as I drifted back to earth my shame and apprehension were trying to surface and with all my might I willed them away.

I lowered my leg and he pulled down on the edges of my skirt. My hands were still in his hair and I didn't want to let go.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," His voice was music to my ears.

I put my hand on his banana that was still very…very hard.

Yum.

"Will you come to my room tonight?" I asked in a very mousy voice. _Was that really me talking?_

He had his fingers in my hair now and his nose touching mine."Well see..." _Oh shit, does he regret this? He won't even come back to my room..._

"You share a room with Rose," he whispered before he softly kissed me again.

_Oh thank God. It's just that! _

I nodded my head in agreement.

"You may have to come to _my_ room." Another kiss.

_Um, what's my name? I think I forgot..._

"The limo's here. You ready to leave?"

Edward pulled away and I immediately felt cold.

He opened the door to the limo and waited for me to get inside before closing the door. "Wh--" I started to speak but he cut me off by holding up his finger as he began dialing his cell.

"Emmett, the limo is here... will be waiting... sure..."

He slid in beside me and for a fleeting moment I wanted to crawl up and straddle his lap. "Edward I should go and say bye to everyone."

"Nah, you can call them later." He kissed me again. This kiss was soft and sweet and delicious. He stopped and looked into my eyes as if he wanted to say something. I studied his face under the glow of the dim interior lights. Then with the click of the door, Emmett and Rose crawled in, giggling and Edward grabbed my hand and laid his head back on the seat.

On the ride home Rose and Emmett complimented my singing time after time. They had obviously had more to drink that Edward and I, were we quiet and calm, they were not. Soon their attention turned to each other and Edward and I looked away from their PDA.

~*X*~

When we arrived at the house, Rose pulled me over to the side and asked if my feelings would be hurt if she spent the night with Emmett instead of the pool house. I told her 'of course not, to have fun,' for I might of have some plans of my own. Well I didn't tell her that part, but I thought it.

Carlisle was still up when we entered the house and asked Edward if he could speak to him a minute. Emmett and Rose ran upstairs. I announced I was going out to my room and Edward whispered "soon" in my ear as he squeezed my hand before letting it go and joining his father.

My head was still spinning a bit from the tequila as I walked out through the back door out to my room. I smiled as I thought about the night. Edward's hands on me, kissing me, it just made me feel so alive again, and even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we shouldn't be doing this, I just didn't know how to stop it.

I dug out my boy shorts and tank top to sleep in and saw my Blackberry on the bedside table. The light was flashing indicating I had a message. I quickly changed then picked it up and made my way to the bathroom.

As I scrolled through a few random email messages, my eyes settled on a cell phone number that was unknown and they had left a message.

I dialed my voice mail box and was stunned when I heard the message, I knew that voice. "Bella, um, it's me – Mike. I heard through the grapevine you are in Forks this weekend, I guess visiting your parents, but I need something. I was wondering if you still had our baby bed, um, I don't know if you know or not but Bree's pregnant, due in a few months actually – a girl - and I was thinking we could use that bed since it didn't get used before and um – you know- I suppose you won't be needing it later. So yeah, please call me and let me know something. I can meet you there or whatever. Well....bye."

Just hearing him say my name...hearing the fucking joy in his voice saying she's pregnant with a girl...The nerve of that man to call ME and ask ME for MY baby bed that he...he despised.

I sunk to the floor of the bathroom. Then I hugged the toilet as I threw up. Then the tears came and every good feeling that I had felt throughout the night and the promise of what was to come…vanished.

I was reminded of why I was alone. This call from _him_ brought me back to the reality that I could never be what Edward needed or deserved. I was wrong to lead him on. I'd never be enough to keep him satisfied. My walls would always be there keeping him at a safe distance, because this feeling that I have right now – this emptiness and despair in my soul – was crippling. One man had done this to me, and I couldn't ever give another one the chance.

Then the cycle began and the anger made me sob harder, my breath coming in gasps. Why me? Why can't I not hurt and not be scared? Why can't I fall in love again and have a baby and live the good life? Why?

I was tired of thinking. My tears were still flowing as I laid there on the bathroom floor, the cold tiles soothing to my aching head and tear stained face.

I heard Edward come to the door and call for me. I didn't answer him. He should go away and forget about me. Find a decent person that can treat him right. I am no good. He doesn't go away. I had left the bathroom door open and it's the only light on in the small house.

"Bella? Oh my God! Are you okay?" I heard the panic in his voice and I didn't want him to call 911 or anything so I slowly sit up to answer him. He was on his knees bowing over me and his hands were on my face, then his fingers on my neck to check my pulse. I shook my head.

"Let me call my dad," he began to rise and I grabbed his arm.

"No... Please... I'm fine." My speech all choppy from my sobbing.

"Come here. What is it?" He picked me up like the invalid that I felt like I was and carried me to the bed. He sat me on the edge as he pulled the covers back. Like a robot I crawled in and curled myself into a ball. I still had not looked at him, that just may be too painful.

He was still standing over me, "Do you need anything?"

I shook my head, but it was a lie. I needed so much. So much.

He went around to the opposite side of the bed and crawled in to face to me. "Please talk to me."

I finally opened my eyes to see him. He looked so sad and lost and dejected. I had done this. My tears began again.

"I'm ..sorry." It was all I could say. I really am so sorry.

"For what?" I felt his fingers on my face, brushing back my hair that was stuck to my tears. I shook my head. The words...won't ...come.

"What happened?"

I should at least tell him, tell him that it wasn't him. "Mike." Just saying his name made my stomach turn and I briefly wanted to throw up again.

"What did he do?"

I opened my eyes to look at Edward again. His voice sounded so heartbroken. I closed my eyes, blew out a slow breath.

"He left me a message. Bree is …she's pregnant. He wanted my... my baby bed that I had bought. The nerve of him." I was barely whispering. I didn't even want to hear the words come out of my mouth.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

His fingers were still caressing my face, but I felt numb. I barely felt it.

"It's not your fault." The anger started to boil inside me again.

"Do you still... have it?"

"I sold everything after the divorce was final. I wanted nothing to remind me of him." I heard myself talking, but even to my ears I sounded...distant.

I saw the concern in his eyes.

I should warn him off.

I reached up and removed his hand from my face. I held it as I told him. "Edward, we can't do this. Things like this remind me that I'm just a shell. All that is inside me is broken. Unfix-able."

Now the tears decided to show back up and it was all I could do to talk through them. "You have..to…understand…I will..never…be…enough…for you. Never.. Please…don't even…consider it.. I don't...wanna...hurt…you."

"Hey," his hands gripped mine and the sadness was gone from his eyes. "Listen to me. I don't want to hear this from you right now. Not after you just had a phone call from him. Not after you've been drinking…and not after what happened between us earlier. No! Your world doesn't have to crash all around you at once Bella. I care about you."

I shook my head and the tears were still wetting my cheeks.

"Bella, look at me." He released my hands to grab my chin. "I. Am. Your. Friend. First and foremost. Let me be here for you. Please."

A friend. I needed a friend so badly right now. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. Even if it was not.

I slowly nodded my head in agreement. He nodded his head too. He then pulled me to him. His arms wrapped around me. His lips resting on the top of my head. My head laying on his chest. My tears wetting his shirt.

The minutes turned into hours and all was quiet between us. He occasionally squeezed me in a hug or ran his fingers through my hair. My breathing was close to being back to normal, the tears had long stopped. Right before I drifted off to sleep, he whispered exactly what I wanted to hear, "Everything's going to be okay baby. Just wait and see."

~*X*~

I woke up the next morning, well almost afternoon, to no Edward in my bed, but his scent had saturated the sheets and the pillows so I drowned myself in it. The slide show of memories began to play behind my eyelids from the night before. The sadness, guilt, regret, apologies, grief, disappointment – they all billowed over me and I just want to disappear. _What now?_

I had tried so hard to hide my emotional instability from Edward. I was so sure when he found out what a mess I was, he would run for the hills. But the joke's on me because he didn't – he stayed. He stayed and held me. He told me he was my friend and that was what friends did – he comforted me and tried to make it better.

I sat up and the wave of the tequila-morning-after washed over me. _Ew._

I needed a shower. My eyes were puffy from crying and my head, it hurt so bad.

I wondered what Edward told Esme and Carlisle about last night. So much had happened, the singing, the wall action, the phone call, the breakdown. I wasn't proud of any of it. Maybe the singing wasn't so bad, but..._I_ _seriously wanted to disappear. _

~*X*~

When I entered the house, Edward and Esme were seated on the couch reading the local paper. I smiled gingerly at them and went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water.

When I stood back up Edward was there, his hip resting against the counter. "How do you feel this morning?"

"Rough," putting it lightly.

"Advil?"

"Please." I whispered.

He opened a cabinet and retrieved my pills and then turned around to face me. As soon as my medicine was gone and my water bottle back at my side, he embraced me.

I sighed and melted into him. The comfort he gave me was something I could never repay him for. It was a priceless commodity and I hoped it never ran out.

"We'll be leaving soon. Dad has Ethan in town getting him some medicine, he had an earache last night and mom – she's tired. Do you need to go anywhere?" He asked, his arms still enveloping me.

"Home," I whispered, the lump in my throat reminding me that I was still an emotional bomb set to explode at anytime.

"Bella," he spoke into my hair, "this too shall pass. You know that right?"

I nodded my head as he withdrew his arms.

"I need to go pack." Well not really, my stuff was packed and ready but I craved isolation. A blubbering mess among company - no matter how good they are - was still a blubbering mess.

"I'll text you when we are ready to go."

"Okay." I looked in the room to say goodbye to Esme but her head was tilted back on the couch with her eyes closed, so I quietly closed the door.

~*X*~

They had given Ethan some Tylenol for the ride home to ease his and our discomfort, but it didn't work. He drifted asleep once only to wake up thirty minutes later and continue with his whining and crying. He was uncomfortable, but you could tell it was really grating on Edward's nerves.

"What should I do?" Edward asked me.

"There's not much you can do."

I crawled in the back seat to sit beside him, leaned over with my head resting on his car seat and fingered his hair as he did the same to mine. It calmed him some, enough to ease our tension and endure the ride back to Seattle.

Edward and I didn't converse much on the way home, but I did see him glance at me periodically through the rear view mirror. There was so much we probably needed to say, the facade of our friendship had been cracked this weekend. We had pushed the limits and were now stepping backward.

It would be a lie to say that I regretted it, and an even bigger untruth if I said I didn't want it to happen again, even a tall tale to say that I didn't want more.

_More._

~*X*~

Two weeks later, Mike had shown up at my office. I was leaving for lunch and was accosted with the sight of him and Bree waiting for me in the lobby. One arm around her back, the other placed on her round belly. I retreated to my office in haste and asked Angela to inform me when they left. Hours later I stumbled from my office in shock. Mike still had this dark power over me that reduced me to a feeling of worthless trash.

I showed up at Edward's place in tears. My hair and my clothes wet from the mist that had begun to fall outside. I didn't even remember how I got there.

He pulled me inside and took care of me all over again. All I had to do was mutter what happened and Edward asked no questions. He gave me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers to wear and I sat on his couch sipping hot coffee, immersed in the Cullen cocoon of comfort.

Before I knew it Ethan was asleep and in his bed, Edward was beside me on the couch. I was soon in his lap as he rocked me and toyed with my hair. The spell this man had over me was different - Mike took and Edward gave.

That was the first time I spent the night at Edward's house. I fell asleep in his lap and awoke the next morning in his bed. I was unsure why he didn't put me in the spare bedroom because he slept on the couch.

Over the next month neither he nor I ever brought up our birthday trip to Forks. We both walked a fine line and played our friendship roles well.

I accompanied them on Ethan's first time trick-or-treating. He was the cutest Batman ever.

Thanksgiving came and we spent a long weekend in Forks. I stayed with my parents this time, but did join Edward and his family for their feast, as did Edward and Ethan joined my family for ours.

Christmas plans were made for everyone to gather at Edward's home for Christmas Eve. Esme and Carlisle were even going to stay the night. That was until they called and said Esme was under the weather they opted to stay in Forks. Edward volunteered to drive to Forks so him and Ethan could spend the night there, but Carlisle told him no, telling him to spend his first Christmas with Ethan in their home. So that became the reason that I spent the night with Edward for a second time. He practically begged me asking me to stay and help with 'Santa.' I couldn't refuse him.

So Christmas morning was a mixture of concern and joy. Ethan squealing like crazy at his gifts under the tree, yet the reality of Esme getting worse at the forefront in our thoughts.

After Ethan was done and was lost in the mix of everything new, Edward and I exchanged our gifts to each other. I bought him a portable DVD player that included installation for his Volvo for their long rides to and from Forks.

Edward said that it was too much but it was perfect. I even gave him a few Disney movies to begin Ethan's collection. "Beauty and the Beast?" he joked.

"It's appropriate."

The gift he gave me took my breath away. He gave me these two leather and cloth bound journals that had the most exquisite detailed art work on the outside covers.

"They are prayer journals. My parents gave me a set when I went off to college. I suppose you could use them as um, a diary too."

My eyes filled with tears, I choked, "They're beautiful Edward. Thank you."

"I expect you to put t them to use. They can be very soothing to your soul."

I shook my head and looked down. He knew of my pain, my heartaches, and here he was giving me something to try and alleviate them - to heal me.

In times like these, I hear my broken heart scream out the words, "I love you," as my butterflies dance and my spirit floats among the clouds. But soon my demons rise up and chase out the affection, reminding me I'm not worthy of such things.

~*X*~

Ringing in the New Year was celebrated with my newest friends. We all gathered together at Jasper and Alice's home. Alice received a big fancy camera for Christmas since she'd declared photography was her new hobby. This made her very click-happy and it was impossible to hide from her over sized lens.

I tried to focus my energy on Ethan and not Edward waltzing around in a light blue button up shirt with faded jeans. It was impossible. My attraction to him was magnetic, polar opposites drawn together as a force of nature.

I was too far gone. Edward had crawled inside my soul and tattooed his searing touch and perfect lips, his forest green eyes and heart of gold, his charming smile and dazzling looks into the innermost part of my being. I was forever scarred from him. He was more a part of me than Mike ever was.

And I was frightened beyond belief.

When the countdown began, I escaped the hustle of the crowd and snuck outside. My arms wrapped around myself trying to ward off the ice cold temperature, gazing out at the blackened sky and admiring the sparse stars that pebbled the night. I lost myself in my dreams and my hopes, my wishes for the new year. Something had to give, I had to find healing and learn to move on from my past. Figure out how to defeat my kryptonite and move forward. Stop hiding. Stop avoiding. Stop ignoring my issues.

I was so lost in myself I didn't hear the door open or shut until I felt two strong arms wrapped around me. It must have been after midnight, the party favors loud and overly excited greetings echoing through the air.

"It's freezing out here. What are you doing?" His hot breath warming my face from behind. I settled back into his arms and we began to sway back and forth.

"Proclaiming my new years resolution to the stars. I just might need some back up. You know-someone to hold me accountable."

"You can tell me, I'll hold you... accountable."

"You have enough on your plate Mr. Cullen."

"Never." He said softly into my ear.

I turned in his arms to face him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I stood on my toes so I could whisper in his ear. "Thanks for being such a good friend to me. This past year - I would have never... it couldn't have been better if I'd dreamed it."

"Bella, it's only just begun."

Then his lips made it home and warmed mine. So soft, so sweet, so sensual. The perfect way to begin the new year and my new life.

~*X*~

It was close to midnight two weeks into the new year and I was almost sound asleep on the couch. Then I heard Rose on the other side of my door. "Bella! Bella!" She was trying to whisper and yell at the same time, it wasn't working.

"What is it?"

I opened the door and saw the worry on her face.

"It's Esme. Edward needs you to come over now."

Then my mind went on auto-pilot. I gathered my over night necessities not even registering what I was grabbing.

In minutes we were running out my door and down to her car.

There was no verbal exchange between us. I didn't know what to say.

In record time we were walking in Edward's door. Emmett and him both on the couch. Edward's hands buried in his hair looking down at the floor. Emmett staring out into nothing with his hand over his mouth.

"Babe," Emmett breathed as he rose from the couch to wrap his arms around her and bury his tear stained face into Rose's neck. She began to console him.

I approached Edward with caution, he still hadn't looked up, I reached forward and touched his wrist. "Edward?"

He slowly looked at me, and I saw the salt had stolen the glimmer from his eyes. _What do I say? Is she...gone?_

Then without saying a word he wrapped his arms around my waist and... cried. I soothed him by rubbing his back and fingering his hair. His grip on me was tight.

He then moved his face to the side to lie against my stomach, "I have to go to Forks. Would you stay here with Ethan?"

"Of course. Whatever you need to me to do."

He nodded his head.

Then like a switch he turned off his feelings. He stood before me, his face flush and wet. I dried his face with my hand, before he grabbed it and placed a chaste kiss in the center of my palm.

"I'm leaving you the Volvo. Use it. When everything gets settled, I'll contact you. I want you there."

I agreed.

"Edward is she...?"

"Not yet." he whispered.

"Go to her. She's waiting."

Then he turned and left. Emmett was gone with him, and Rose followed right behind. She was going back to her loft.

I went and checked on Ethan, he was sleeping like the angel that he was.

I passed by Edward's bedroom and looked in at his bed. He must have been asleep, his covers in disarray. I went in straightened up his bed and picked up one of his shirts from the floor. I smelled him all over it and slipped my shirt off, I changed into his and it was heavenly. I walked back into the living room and collapsed on the couch.

I scanned the room and my eyes fell on a picture of Esme, Carlisle and Ethan that was sitting on the mantle. My eyes filled with tears and quickly overflowed as I said a prayer for them all.

Sometime after that I drifted off to sleep, still praying.

~*X*~

Esme passed before Emmett and Edward reached her. Carlisle professed she held on as long as she could before her last breath escaped her and she moved on. Edward was a mess. When he finally was by her side he didn't want to leave. Carlisle and Emmett literally had to carry him away.

Emmett called to tell me of the arrangements. They had already been settled months ago. There was no friends and family visitation, only a private graveside service that involved her three men. That's all. It was how she wanted it.

Ethan and I headed out that next evening. I figured if I left late enough, maybe he could sleep some on the way to Forks. I went straight the Cullens. I was unsure if I was going to stay the night there or what, tomorrow was their service and I needed to be there for Edward. I carried Ethan to the front door. He was asleep and as soon as I opened the front door, Emmett met me and offered to take Ethan to his bedroom. I handed him over and asked, "Where's Edward?"

The house was dark and quiet, the joy and warmth was gone. The sadness overtook you as soon as you stepped inside the lonely walls. "He's upstairs in the sun room." Emmett answered not even looking me in the eyes.

I quickly made my way to the steps and closed my eyes as I walked through _her_ bedroom. Edward was laying on her chaise lounge, still and quiet. When I approached him I saw that he had an empty liquor bottle in his hand. There was no acknowledgment of my arrival. He just stared into the night that was bare, yet hidden by the dark.

"Edward are you okay?'

No answer. I squatted down to kneel beside him.

"Edward you have an important day tomorrow. Let's get you in the bed." I threw his arm over my shoulder and somehow we staggered down the hall to his bedroom. I sat him on the bed and pulled off his shoes. I tugged at the edges of his t-shirt for him to let me remove it. I left his jeans on and pulled his covers back for him to lie down. I turned to leave and he grabbed my wrist. I looked at the pain in his face, the grief in his eyes and it broke my heart.

"Stay."

_Of course. _"Okay." I answered.

I walked around to the other side of the bed, slipped off my shoes and my jeans. Just in my long sleeve shirt and underwear, I scooted under the covers as he watched every move I made. He was sitting up and slightly swaying back and forth, the alcohol clearly numbing him from the inside out. He turned over to lay his head on my chest outside of the covers. I began to run my fingernails over his naked back, I was unsure how to return his favors of comforting.

He snuggled in closer and closer, until his head was almost hurting my chest. I traced my hands up his neck and into his hair. I moved my fingers forward and felt the wet trails running down his face. He sighed and then I heard him murmur into my chest. "Bella, I think I love you."

~*X*~

_When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced._

_Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice._

_Cherokee Expression_

_~*X*~_

* * *

**::waves:: Hi ya'll. You still love me right? **

**I hope you are reading _Horseshoes & Hand Grenades: EPOV of ADC, _it sheds some light on the prayer journal gift. **

**If you wanted to know what the convo was between Jacob & Edward it was posted on the Twi thread. You can bounce on over there & read it. Link on my profile. **

**This chapter held quite a few writing firsts for me, I hope I did it well. ~Stacy**

**Twitter: Mrs_Robward**


	11. Ch 11, Beauty & The Beast

**I don't own Twilight but the A/N at the bottom of this chapter is mine. No comparison huh? **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**If Becky didn't beta this, you all would send hate mail to my HS English teachers, curse them for passing ME, flame them for giving ME a school wide English award & throw stink bombs at them for placing ME in AP English! Those idiots!**

**The legal stuff to follow, I made every single bit of it up. I'm sure this is not how it happens. **

**::whispers:: "just pretend with me!"**

* * *

**~*X*~**

_Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold._

_  
~Maurice Sette_r

**~*X*~**

**Please stay seated until the ride comes to a full stop. Do not unbuckle your safety harness until told to do so. This ride is still in motion and the end is not in sight...yet. HOLD ON & stay with me folks........**

The dictionary says a sentence is a unit of one or more words, bearing minimal syntactic relation to the words that precede or follow it, often preceded and followed in speech by pauses, and typically expressing an independent statement, question, request, command, etc.

What Edward just said to me was a basic sentence, one with a verb and a noun. A statement.

As I watched the hours morph by on the digital clock, Edward's steady breathing on my chest, my eyes filled with tears and my mind raced. I thought of other simple sentences with six little words, ones that struck so much emotion within me as this one had:

"_Bella Swan, will you marry me."_

"_I'm sorry Bella, I love her."_

"_Mrs. Newton, your baby is ...gone."_

"_Congratulations and welcome to our firm."_

And now, _"Bella, I think I love you,"_ ranked up there at the top.

_Oh my God!_

Did he mean it? I mean like **r-e-a-l-l-y** mean it? He's clearly drunk and no doubt he's in mourning, so what am I supposed to think? Should I invest anything into a boozed up man's tearful confession?

My life had become such a tangled web of mixed emotions. Just like right now, how freaking amazing would it be if Edward really did love me, among the realms of true amour when a man and a woman declare such feelings and spend the rest of their days making each other happy?

But on the opposite end of that joy, there was fear and confusion and hesitation, even anger. I already revealed to Edward my opinion of love, he knows that I think it's a deceitful well from which we draw and draw and can never quench our thirst.

I almost wanted to wake him up and ask him, "What is love anyway?" I think I really don't know anymore. I mean I know I love my parents, but that was a given. I think I love Ethan, because I want the best for him, I care about him and his well being, but that still was a different kind of love.

Do I love Edward? I think I do, but in that way? I didn't know if I was capable. I thought I loved Mike, and I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him, endure the bad while we sought out the good. But when it came down to what feeling I had for him, it wasn't enough. Was it even…love? Looking back I don't think it was because how can you harbor love and hate for the same person simultaneously? Or was love really capable of being so fleeting?

But Edward saying he loved me, like _**LOVES**_ me-_**LOVES**_ me, that was just...impossible... absurd... hopeless.

Impossible like finding a needle in a haystack, or having faith as small as a mustard seed that can move mountains. _Almost_ possible.

Absurd like waiting on a pumpkin to become a carriage, or a frog to become a prince, totally logical in the hearts of innocent little girls everywhere, but in reality it's not going to happen.

Hopeless like stumbling upon oysters with pearls, or chancing upon diamonds buried in hardened magma, definitely out there, but I'll never be fortunate enough to find them.

But Edward loving me was also so...so magical, like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, or wishing on falling stars cutting through the night sky, or the glass slipper actually fitting...me.

So that left me lying here, on the verge of tears wondering what in the hell I was supposed to feel. All of these emotions set off a chain reaction, one causing the next. These chains were dragging me down, almost to the point that I was running out of energy to go on. I didn't know how much more I could take, and what scared me more than anything was that I didn't know if I could do this.

What was that old saying? "It's better to love and lost than never to have loved at all." I would like to argue that point because if I'd never loved before, I wouldn't cower from the what-ifs, I wouldn't tremble from the hurt, I wouldn't hide from the passion, and I sure as hell wouldn't think twice about loving Edward with all my being.

But the past promise of love was the flame that had charred my heart. It was now unknown if I would ever be capable of returning that sentiment to another, and time had never promised to be on my side.

My mind on full-tilt, my feelings on alert, I drifted in and out of sleep and watched the dawn peek in from behind the blinds and reflect off the gorgeous man who was now lying beside me. He looked so at peace in his slumber, no sadness, no worry. A dark scruff present on his sharp jaw line that I really just wanted to touch. To feel...him.

_Edward, Edward, Edward, what have you done to me_?

I must have drifted off to sleep again, because hours later I woke up and Ethan was on the floor playing with a puzzle. Edward was still in the bed with me. He was awake and obviously just had a shower. He was atop the covers, no shirt, _oh man_, button fly jeans - top button undone. The gray band of his boxers or briefs or what-the-hell-ever they were riding just a little higher on his torso than his jeans. He was barefoot and his legs were crossed. I let my eyes wander back up his frame, closing them briefly when they reached his happy trail and... his stomach... and his chest, so I wouldn't stare -- well not too much anyway.

His arms were folded behind his head and his hair was still wet, oddly lying flatter than I had ever seen it. That was the first time I'd ever witnessed Edward post-shower and he looked delectable.

But then I froze when I saw the anxiety on his brow, the anguish in his eyes, the sorrow on his lips. I saw a little boy who just lost his mother, heartbroken and grief-stricken.

I turned on my side to rest on my arm and face him. "Edward are you okay?"

He shook his head before turning to lie on his side to mirror me. I was reminded of my breakdown in the pool house many moons ago and now how the roles had reversed. "Bella, I'm sorry for last night, I..." Edward closed his eyes as he talked. A rush of panic spread through me. Which part was he apologizing for? He didn't mention those half-dozen words and neither did I.

_Ignorance is bliss._

"I should have never drunk so much last night. This is all just so ...hard. Thank you for helping me out and being here. Damn! I just thought... I thought I was more prepared than this!" His voice rose above his normal tone.

"Edward, I owed you one or two." I smiled at him. "I don't know if you're aware, but your mother asked me to help you get through this...time. I promised her I would, but the thing is, she didn't have to ask, I would have done it anyway." I finally gave in and placed my hand on his cheek.

He sighed and covered my hand with his own.

As always seems to happen around Edward, I forgot who I was, who he was, and what we were. I just seemed to gravitate toward him, and it sometimes proved to be too difficult to hold back. Without even knowing it I was scooting closer to him on the bed, his eyes still emitting so much sorrow that I was drowning in it.

Our eyes were locked on each other and I just felt this need to comfort him. I reached for him and turned over onto my back, my head resting on the headboard. We ended up in the same position we were in last night, except this time his arms were wrapped around my waist, this time he wasn't drunk, and this time he didn't speak those six little magical words.

I felt him take in a deep breath as I leaned forward and kissed the top of his head. "Edward, once this very smart, wonderful man whom I care for very much told me something that I think I should pass on to you. He said everything is going to be okay and this too shall pass.I can't even pretend to know what you're going through. It's not going to be easy, but…with each passing day the sun will shine a little brighter and soon all this - it won't hurt so much."

"I know," he whispered, "but I already miss her."

_How should I respond to that?_

I don't know any other way than to just hold him tighter, be his friend, and remind him to be thankful that roses have thorns and cactus have blooms, and life around us - even when we don't want it to...it goes on.

~*X*~

Hours after Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward had left to go to the burial site right outside of Forks, I heard the familiar sound of the garage door opening and I knew they were back. Ethan and I had hung out in the sun room. It held some kind of allure for me. I found it peaceful and calming. He played by himself and I let my thoughts wander through the late winter-time spectacle in the forest before me.

My mind often drifted toward the Cullen men, Edward especially. Only time would tell how they handled Esme's passing. I felt like I was walking on egg shells around them, upsetting someone was the last thing I wanted to do, with my words or my actions. I was so deep in thought that when Edward appeared in the door and said my name, it startled me.

"Sorry to scare you. Can we just go...home now? I'm sure there will be people coming by and I'm not really in the mood for company."

"Of course, stay here with Ethan while I go pack our stuff."

An hour later Edward, Ethan and I were in the Volvo heading back to Seattle. Edward insisted that I drive. I thought he was probably tired. That was, until I noticed the six-pack he'd placed in a small cooler in the back seat.

I kept quiet. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I know that this has to be hard for him. And that drinking, whether it was a little or a lot, helped numb the pain somewhat, but I didn't know if I wanted myself or Ethan subjected to it anymore than we had to. So I kept my mouth shut, my grip on the steering wheel tighter than normal, my teeth constantly gnawing on the inside of my cheek, and my feelings were - hurt. I guess I had convinced myself that my and Ethan's mere presence would be enough for Edward to lean on. We would be the lifeline to pull him through, and even though his wounds were rather raw after only losing Esme days ago, where does one draw the line?

We spoke very little on the drive home. Ethan jabbered and we, or mainly I, responded to him as much as I could. Edward was distant, to say the least, and I wished he would offer up something, anything. I should have asked Esme what would be the best way to help him heal instead of going at this blindly. I felt so inadequate.

When we pulled up to Edward's place I already knew what I was going to do. When we walked in through the front door, I went straight back to Ethan's room and began to pack him an overnight bag.

"What are you doing?"

_Oh! Now he decides to speak, leaning up on the door frame with his tie all loose and white button up shirt un-tucked and disheveled, looking all yummy even though he's an emotional mess. _

_Well at least it's not me this time._

_Uh, wait, that's not true, I'm an emotional mess ALL of the time._

"Edward, I think you need some time alone, to um, deal with everything you're feeling right now." His shoulders slumped a bit and I forced myself to look away and continued to pack. "Just a day or so, or how ever long you need. I'll take Ethan with me and you...do whatever you need to do." My voice was hesitant. There had never been this kind of tension between us before.

"Bella...please." Even though my back was to him I was aware. I was conscious that he was on the move, I was mindful of the change in his tone of voice, and then I was very receptive to the fact that he was now standing right behind me with his hands on my waist. I quickly straightened my posture and I tried to get my feet to move, to step away, I really did, but they didn't heed my warning.

His hands haltingly slid forward around my waist and wrapped me up. His chest flush with my back, his lips to my ear, his intoxicated breath swirling around my neck, I closed my eyes to beg for my brassiness to come back.

_Where is my damn spunk when I need it?_

"Please don't go." Edward begged. Ethan came running by at just the point I was about to cave.

"I think it's best." I finally got my freaking legs to listen to me and I took a small step out of his grasp and turned to look in his eyes. "Trust me, I won't be far. I just…you need some time to grieve Edward. Crawl in the bed, get underneath the covers and let the tears come, let them water your soul. Let it out. Then after you do that, I'll be here."

He turned away from my gaze and looked at Ethan.

"He doesn't need to be around you...drinking and in this...this condition. Okay?" This time I approached him from the back as I raised my fingers up to run through the back of his hair. The feeling of the smooth silk gave me chills. "Let me help you."

He turned to me again and the pain, the affliction, the heartache he exuded was enough to bring tears to my eyes. "You're too good to me."

I scoffed, "You don't know what you're saying." The idea was nonsense to me.

"I mean it," and just like that our bodies were somehow inseparable again. I don't know if he came to me, or the other way around. As far as I knew it was just our magnetism drawing us together. His hands were on my face, mine on his sides. Tears were slowly creeping down his cheeks and mine were threatening to spill over. "You. Are. Too. Good. To. Me." _Six more tiny words... _His thumb was caressing my cheek, once more his touch teetered on being the straw that broke the swan's resolve.

_DEAR GOD how I wanted to kiss him_. I wanted to throw his sexy ass down on the floor and love him until he forgot about his pain. These instances when time stood still around _us_, when nothing else seemed to matter but _us_, when I wanted nothing more than for there to be an _**US**_, I know I'm about to have the biggest fall. I'll surely lose my way. I could feel it now, after I left I would long for his touch, I would miss his presence, and I would crave his warmth.

My loneliness has only become amplified.

I have to do something about this. Soon.

~*X*~

I took Ethan with me. Edward was silent, already slipping into his own purgatory of mourning and despair.

My loft was the farthest thing from child-proof but somehow we would get by.

~*X*~

It took less than twenty four hours before Edward showed up knocking on my door. I could tell he hadn't slept much, but he had finally shaved and his eyes, they sparkled momentarily when I opened the door.

"Hey."

"Hey, come on in."

Edward looked around. "What's wrong? Have you been crying?"

"It's nothing," I grinned as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Come look." I took his hand and lead him to the couch. Ethan was sitting on his knees holding a toy in one hand and his sippy cup in the other. He jumped up and squealed at Edward while hugging his neck and crawling all over him.

"I don't understand, what is it Bella?" The look on Edward's face was priceless, I had totally thrown him for a loop.

"Ethan tell Bub what we've been doing."

Ethan jumped up, hunched his shoulders over, and jutted out his bottom teeth like a bulldog. He stomped around and proceeded to 'grrrrr' at Edward before he fell on the floor laughing at himself. Edward smiled, shrugged his shoulders and shook his head at me.

"Ethan tell Bub who you are." Ethan jumped up and ran over to stand at Edward's knees. "East," he giggled before he went back into pretend mode.

"Edward, Ethan and I just got finished watching Beauty and the Beast. He's acting like the Beast."

"Oh," Edward sounded out before nodding.

"And you know what? He thinks her name is Bella, like mine. He runs up to the TV and yells, 'LaLa' and then runs back to me and does the same thing. He's getting to be so smart."

"Yeah, I know, but I still don't understand why you're crying?"

"It's silly. I just haven't seen this movie in so long. It struck a little close to home."

"How so?"

I took a seat beside Edward on the couch. He leaned back, opening his arms across the couch and crossed his legs. I couldn't help but admire his good looks. I wondered if there would ever be a time I don't think he's the most gorgeous thing I'd have ever seen.

"Have you ever watched the movie?"

He shook his head.

"Well, we're going to watch it together in a minute then, but see, the Beast, he prefers his solitude because of this curse that has been placed upon him. He's all ruthless and angry. And then there is this rose," I swallowed really hard because roses are synonyms for so many things in my life, "it's magical and beautiful, and it holds the key to his future. If he finds his true love before the rose wilts and loses its pedals, the spell will be broken." I almost laughed at how ironic it was. Edward still looked confused.

"The thing is, the Beast is so caught up in the darkness of his curse, when the opportunity for love is practically thrown at his feet, he almost lets her slip away. But without realizing it, he falls in love with her. Belle's wants and needs become more important to him than the only thing he thought he needed, his freedom. His quest became not how to break the spell, but being able to see Belle happy, giving her what he thought she wanted, and in doing that - the sacrifice of self - he found the grandeur of true love. She was what he needed all along."

I recognized I sounded silly.

Edward confusion broke out into a crooked grin. "You are such a girl."

I swatted at him for making fun of me and he grabbed my wrists. He pulled me to him and my smile faded. "I missed you two." His grin slipped away and the sadness made another appearance in his eyes, his forehead, his face.

"Do you feel better?" I asked.

He released my wrists and pulled me to rest in his arms.

"I do, but the quiet, I don't like it so much. It was too... consuming."

He began to run his fingers through the ends of my hair and I closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry. It has the opposite effect on me. In my troubled times, I prefer the silence. I think when I am around others there is a certain facade I hide behind. But when I'm alone, I don't hold back, I can freely feel... whatever."

"You don't always have to hold back."

"I know."

"Bella.."

"Yes Edward?"

"I'm scared this ache won't ever go away. I don't want to be sad forever. I want to be able to think about her and smile, not feel empty inside."

"But you have to understand that this is one of those hurts that can only be healed with time. How about every time you feel blue, counter act that with a positive thought. Like a happy memory of your mother or something funny Ethan says. Just give it time."

"How did you get to be so smart?" He kissed the top of my head and hugged me tighter.

"I keep good company." I traced over the dark hair on his bare arms. "How about some supper?"

"I'd like that."

Edward joined me in the kitchen helping fix lasagna and Ethan sat on the floor driving his Match box cars. As the night wore on, I saw Edward smile a little more and I knew that his mood was already improving. It would be those noiseless times, when the mind was allowed to wander aimlessly, that would be hardest for him. I vowed to be there as much as I could. I would help turn his nightmares of grief into memories of delight and he wouldn't be unhappy forever.

We watched Beauty and the Beast after dinner and Edward wouldn't admit it but I think he actually liked the movie. He began to call me Belle so I returned the favor and named him Beast, though I felt like the roles were reversed. I was the Beast with the curse and the one who could break the evil spell that had been cast. Do I release him to follow his own wants? Or do I hold him captive? Or do I just allow fate to have control in steering the direction of my life?

Edward pulled me to my feet when the ballroom scene began. We danced to Mrs. Potts singing and drifted effortlessly around the tiny open floor of my loft. Edward could lead me in such a way that I felt as though I was floating. Ethan had fallen asleep on the make shift pallet on the floor and the early evening had turned to late night.

I didn't even have to ponder if I should ask him or not. There was no choice really. "Edward would you like to stay tonight? It's already so late."

"Are you sure?" he asked as our movements slowed.

"Yes, I don't want you to leave."

That was the first night Edward Cullen spent the night at my place. It was very innocent even after I invited him to sleep with me in my bed. I didn't have a fancy guest room like his and I knew from experience you're better off sleeping on the floor rather than my ragged couch, but a prince deserved the best you could offer.

We went to sleep both lying on our backs but woke up in each others' arms. As soon as the dawn tickled my closed lids, I felt two arms embracing me and I was blanketed by a warmth that could save a person from frostbite. I didn't want to move out of his hold, ever.

~*X*~

Our frequent sleepovers continued. Not every night, but enough. Always innocent. Always chaste and always left me wanting more. I knew I was the one who had laid down the boundaries of friendship, but what my heart longed for and my mind knew better than to give into, were two totally different things.

~*X*~

As I walked through the pharmacy picking up a few personal items, my Blackberry buzzed. I'd inadvertently stopped in the Holiday isle and being surrounded by hearts and teddy bears for Valentine's Day made me a little squeamish. I shivered and moved on as I glanced at the caller ID and quickly answered it. "Yes, Angela?"

"I just signed for a package for you, Ms. Swan." She tried to sound all professional, but then gave into her giddiness. "Do you want me to open it?"

"Go ahead, I'll be back in the office in ten."

~*X*~

I couldn't wait to get to Edward's place. The news I received today was what we'd been waiting for. This process was almost complete.

I practically ran in the door and tackled him with hug.

"What is it?"

I held up the manila folder. "Ethan's release from Russia. He can now become an American citizen if he is properly adopted. The Russian Social Service ran an announcement for thirty one days for an objection to your adoption. There was none."

His smile lit up the colossal apartment, "Are you serious? Now what?"

"Well, we have a court date to finalize this, February thirteenth. I turned the paperwork in today to the courthouse, and we're just waiting on a judge to sign the papers. You don't even have to attend court with me. I'll just go and wait for the judgment. Then it's done." Hearing those words tripped a panic alarm somewhere inside me, but I held it at bay. Being done with Edward's case meant changes were in store for us, possibly good or bad. I wasn't ready.

"I've got to call Carlisle. He has this trip planned for us as soon as the adoption is final. We're going on an Alaskan Cruise to celebrate. How about you go with us Bella?" I could practically feel the joy rolling off Edward.

"Oh no! I wouldn't impose on your family trip. Anyway, you guys need the bonding time."

"You wouldn't be imposing. Please go."

"Edward, I can't. I'll have loose ends to tie up once we're done and I have a job remember? I can't just go jetting off at the drop of a hat. I'm sorry. Go! Have fun! Bond!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him the real reason I couldn't go. After his case wrapped up, I would need all the space I could get, especially if things went sour. I couldn't go around expecting things to be as they were now. I would need some major Bella time to get my act together.

~*X*~

"Edward..."

He picked up on the first ring. "Bella?"

"Congratulations!"

He must have either dropped his cell or threw it because the noise was so loud on his end I had to pull my cell away from my ear.

"You're serious right? It's...final?" What I wouldn't give to see the smile on his face right now. Edward was officially a father.

"Yes, it is."

"Are you on your way here?"

"I have to go back to the office and file a few papers and then I'll be there." I was so proud of him. Somewhere in all this, it didn't seem that important to me that I won, not in regard to my career. It mattered that I had made Edward happy. I granted him the one request he wanted more than any other, and that placed me on top of the world.

"Hey Bella, Emmett's calling in, I have to go. We're going to have some friends over tonight to celebrate. Please hurry," I heard him pull the phone away from his mouth. "Yeah Dad, hang on."

"Sure, get to it. I'll see you soon."

"Okay...bye."

~*X*~

When I returned to my office, I smiled. I was really elated to have succeeded. But as soon as my coworkers were gone, their congrats finished, and my door closed why did I feel so... defeated? _And why these damn tears?_ Nothing had changed... yet. Edward and I were still friends. He hadn't told me to hit the road or that he never wanted to see me again. So why did I feel like it was over when nothing had really began? I hated that a familiar panic had already begun to churn inside me.

I dried my tears and thought of Esme. She would be pleased today that she had a grandson. But what would she think of me? She would probably encourage me to stop being such a coward and go on and have fun. "Live a little. Enjoy the roses Bella. Don't pass them by!" I would hate to disappoint her, but I was scared right now. I refused to even look in the direction of the flower garden, for what awaited me there may just be the thing that breaks me in two.

~*X*~

I took my time going to Edward's. _He probably didn't even notice I wasn't there._

Oh how wrong I was! It was comparable to a surprise party with everyone jumping around upon my arrival. Good gracious! All the people! I didn't know many of them, other than our small crowd and Carlisle. Everyone was so happy and hugging all over each other.

Alice was bounding around with her fancy camera again.

Edward welcomed me not long after I walked through the door. He lifted me up and spun me around, all the while saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." He sat me down, grabbed my cheeks with both hands and placed a big ol' fat kiss on my lips. Sadly, there was nothing sensual about it. It was just his excited display of affection.

I quickly found Rose and joined her for some wine. She was whining about Emmett leaving tomorrow and being gone for six days. "But Rose, he's gonna be with his dad, and brother and...Ethan. How can you be upset about that?"

"I'm not really." She took a big swig of her drink. "I just wish I could go." I didn't reveal to her that I had been invited, what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

As the night continued on, the cognizance of our situation began to weigh heavier and heavier on my shoulders. It was becoming harder to smile and interact.

I didn't even know half of all the people who were here and it made me feel like a stranger. Edward was busy being a wonderful host and I couldn't steal Ethan away from the spotlight if my name was James Bond.

Alice informed me that most of his visitors were former colleagues from PIH and some of his old college friends as well.

No lie, I found a little hiding place along the back wall where I could peer out the window at the Seattle skyline instead of the festivities around me. I was being a selfish, stupid, little girl. I didn't want to be here. Even though this was a time of celebration, this meant something more for me. _It was over_. I felt like the unknown had swallowed me up and I was lost. It was too late to guard my heart, I had fallen in love with Edward Cullen.

So many weeks ago, he said the words that should have made me the happiest woman on earth, but instead I was cowering in a corner, frightened of the reality of how he really felt. Nothing had been said to confirm this, no words had been etched in stone, and I may have even dreamed it. I had set myself up for heartbreak. The one thing I swore to never feel again had become so present in my heart that I was surprised it was still beating at all. Edward was not mine and Ethan...

About the same time I was practically having a panic attack, Edward's door swung open and three woman virtually glided into the room. The air around me filled with a buzz as the whole apartment seemed to fall into a hush. Two of the women were older, but the one up front, she was beautiful, even more so than Rose. Long strawberry blond hair, a black skin tight dress with the tallest stilettos I had ever witnessed. Her lips bright red and she looked to be about my age. But what froze my blood inside my veins was the way Edward's face lit up when he saw her. The way he lifted her in his arms, the same way he did me, but her embrace seemed to last forever. He didn't kiss her once, but twice. She was holding him so tight. He was spinning her slower than he did me. I closed my eyes, because if I saw much more I might faint.

_Green doesn't look so good on me_.

I finally heard her speak. "I've missed you so much Edward!" Even her voice was exquisite.

"I've missed you too Tanya! Where in the world have you been?"

I turned away and couldn't hear her response.

But then....

"I want to introduce you to someone." Edward boasted.

"I wanna see this little angel," She cooed.

I physically felt ill, like I was about to throw up, so I quickly made my way to the bathroom.

Taking deep breaths didn't help, and neither did splashing cold water on my face. My head was spinning and my vision blurred through my tears. I couldn't control my breathing and my heart was beating way too fast. My skin felt prickly and as if it was two hundred degrees and my whole body felt tired and achy. It even hurt to move and somewhere deep inside my soul, I felt empty. Lost. Broken.

_Again._

I had to get out of there.

This was too much.

I found Rose and told her I felt sick and I had to leave. She offered to take me home. I refused.

I did not say to goodbye to Edward. Or Ethan. Or anyone else.

I escaped.

My heart said I had already lost them.

My mind said they were never really mine.

**~*X*~**

_Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end  
~Nadia _

_**~*X*~**_

* * *

**I want to say I am sorry that I don't respond to every review. I wish I could. But know that I read them over & over. In my times of self doubt they give me inspiration, so keep them coming. To those of you who rec this fic, you make me smile. The ones that fav/alert, I save your name in a file on my ancient desktop and I love that the list grows & grows. **

**I would be more than happy to discuss anything about this story, character development or personality traits, etc, if you have questions. I can justify everything that has happened so far. PM me, go to the Twi thread (link on profile) or tweet me: Mrs_Robward**

**Sorry I didn't update H&HG: EPOV, I intended to but RL got in the way, I am working on it. Soon. Gah..I love Edward. ~Stacy**

Matthew 17:20, He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." ~NIV translation

~*x*~

_'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  
~Alfred Lord Tennyson _

~*x*~

Lyrics to "Beauty & The Beast"

Tale as old as time  
True as it can be  
Barely even friends  
Then somebody bends  
Unexpectedly

Just a little change  
Small, to say the least  
Both a little scared  
Neither one prepared  
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same  
Ever a surprise  
Ever as before  
Ever just as sure  
As the sun will rise  
Tale as old as time  
Tune as old as song  
Bittersweet and strange  
Finding you can change  
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun  
Rising in the East  
Tale as old as time  
Song as old as rhyme  
Beauty and the Beast  
Tale as old as time  
Song as old as rhyme  
Beauty and the Beast


	12. Ch 12, Lyrical Flowers

**The boring disclaimer applies. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**As usual Becky came along behind me and made this all pretty and sparkly. Much luv. **

**All music links will be posted on my profile momentarily.**

* * *

**_~*X*~_**

_Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely._

_~The Land Before Time_

**_~*X*~_**

As soon as I exited Edward's building, the sting of the cold night air engulfed me. I shivered and realized I had forgotten my jacket.

But I didn't go back.

Two blocks down, I could have sworn I heard someone yell my name from behind me.

But I didn't go back.

The streets were dark and uninviting, and it might have even been misting rain.

But I didn't go back.

I couldn't. I briskly walked toward the bus stop to wait for the next run. _Please come quick. Don't make me wait._

I felt so many different emotions deep inside, I was spinning. I was embarrassed for being such a coward. I was disappointed in myself for leaving Edward. _I let Esme down..__.I abandoned Edward…and Ethan...I _was angry for being so weak. I was jealous that I had no confidence and I couldn't walk in and own a room like _she_ did. I was furious that I had been so naive and let myself fall for him! And I was jealous Of what?? He was my friend -- a wonderful friend -- and I was jealous because he hugged someone! What was I thinking?

But more than anything I just felt dejected and defeated. My sun had set, my time had run out, my rose had withered and shed its petals and my curse had not been broken.

I needed to cry, to let go. The lump in my throat was there, but my eyes were dry. My emotions had become so overwhelming I became numb and felt nothing. My mind kicked into survival mode and I thought only about actions, not feelings.

Wherever I was going I needed to get there quick. I turned off my Blackberry. I didn't want any company, or anyone to be able to find me. So I took the bus to my place, packed a quick bag, and was back on the bus again within a half hour.

What in the hell was I running from? Every problem that was looming over me now would still be here when I returned. Edward was leaving tomorrow for his trip, but he wouldn't be gone forever. I was just delaying the inevitable. Maybe in a couple of days I would have a clear head and I might be able to handle my mess of a life like an adult, but today wasn't that day, and tomorrow didn't look too good either.

It was late when I exited the bus in Port Angeles and checked into the Holiday Inn for the next few nights. Saturday I would go to my parents place in Forks, but for the next forty-eight hours or so, I just wanted to be alone.

I splurged and rented the suite. I was thinking about bubble baths and wine and forgetting my troubles. Oh, I was also thinking of big fluffy pillows too, ones that didn't smell like Edward Cullen, although those were my favorite kind.

I pulled out my pajamas and a bottle of Tylenol PM. I changed my clothes and took three pills. I had no desire to stare at the ceiling all night.

I drew the blinds and crawled under the covers. I hated this feeling, the desire to just disappear. I wanted to fade into nothingness and let the darkness erase the memories. The hunger for so many things to be different was ever present and a continual reminder of how it was. And how it has left my soul barren. This void was enough to leave me aching, my gaping wound of a spirit cried out for healing and restoration.

Yet I ran.

And hid.

Soon the pillow became wet from my salt water tears. My cries replaced the dark silence around me. My sobs were a song of pain, misfortune and longing. The anthem of my life, the ballad of my broken heart. Yet sometimes through the chords, in-between the notes, I heard a chant of a whisper laced with hope. A small steady voice singing to me a tune of redemption, a serenade of rescue and salvation. A short little ditty promising somehow...someday...someone...someway...my soul will sing of better days.

~*X*~

The sunlight was bright as it flooded the room and reflected off the white walls, making me squint. It was warm under the covers and for just a few minutes as I woke up, my mind was blank.

Just like an hour glass being turned over as I roused from my slumber, the emotions started trickling in. I tried to concentrate on my breathing to calm myself.

_Slowly in through my nose. Steady out from my mouth. Slowly in through my nose. Steady out..._

Then I heard a buzzing sound coming from the floor.

I tried to ignore it but it didn't stop.

_Damn!_

It was my Blackberry. I had it set to automatically power on every morning at eight a.m.

I glanced at the clock, it was nine twenty. I really didn't want to check my messages. I didn't want to make any calls. I didn't want to have to deal with anything...just yet.

But I had to. _Life's a bitch..._

I took my time getting up out of the bed. I felt nauseated. My head was splitting, no doubt from crying last night. I massaged my forehead, but it gave me little relief. As I rubbed my eyes I felt the puffiness surrounding them.

_Wonderful. A crying hangover._

When I rose to my feet, I felt dizzy and quickly sat back down. I slowly tried again, steadying myself with my eyes closed. With sluggish moves I occupied the bathroom before rummaging through my bag for my cell. When I found it I looked away as I cleared the screen. I dialed the office. I needed to talk to Angela.

"Whitlock & Associates, Ms. Swan's office."

"Angela.."

"Bella! Where are you? There-" I heard the panic in her voice and it didn't help my nerves.

"Angela, listen to me. Is there anyone right there with you?"

"Not at this exact moment, where-"

"Good, listen to me. I'm out of town today. Probably Monday too. I'm not telling you where I am so if anyone inquires you don't have to lie."

"But-"

"If anybody asks, I'm out for personal reasons. That is all anyone needs to know. ANYONE."

"What happened? Your client Mr. Cullen was here first thing this morning, and then Mr. Whitlock told me to inform him the second I spoke to you. Do you-"

"He was there?" My voice started to quake again as that empty feeling invaded my insides.

"Who? Mr. Cullen or Mr. Whitlock? Bella, what's going on?"

"Angela, I'm sorry. I promise to explain more when I return, but right now I just.. can't."

"Are you okay?"

I whispered, "No, not really. But I will be."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, will you just cover for me? I don't expect you to lie or anything, just...you know. I'm turning off my cell. I'll check back with you maybe this afternoon."

"Sure Bella. Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything. All right?"

"Thank you. Goodbye." I ended the call, ignoring the message indicator light flashing at me and turned off my Blackberry. Not long afterward I crawled back under the covers.

~*X*~

After tossing and turning for hours, my stomach screamed at me to be filled. I got up from the bed and slipped on my shoes to walk down the hall to the snack machine. A Dr. Pepper and a pack of peanut butter crackers became my snack of choice.

When I re-entered the room, my curiosity was getting the better of me. I knew there were messages waiting, and they could possibly be from Edward. My pity party was wrapping up and I was feeling the need to just get it over with. So be it. If it was time to end this chapter of my life, it was time to do it and move on to the next.

_Quickly rip that BandAid off!_

I pushed the power button and laid the phone down as it retrieved my messages. I went to change my clothes and pull my hair up.

I grabbed my crackers and drink and sat back down on the bed to face the music. My hands were shaking and my lip was getting sore from my relentless habit of chewing on it. I scrolled to the first missed call.

_Edward C (M) 2-13_ _8:59_ That was right after I left last night. As I rolled the track ball through the missed calls, there were ones from Alice and Rose among many others from Edward. His last call came at 1:23, that was only a little over an hour ago. I blew out my breath as the idea popped in my head that he could call again, like right now! I didn't know his itinerary for today, and what time he left Seattle and boarded his plane or when his cruise set sail. Rose had complained last night that there was no cell reception from the sea, and she wouldn't be able to speak to Emmett all week. This was a comfort and a disappointment.

I then dialed my voice mailbox to listen to my messages. My stomach tensed in fear and nerves.

Edward C. Thursday, 8:59 p.m. _"Bella? Are you all right? You ran out of here without saying goodbye and....Rose said you weren't feeling well. Please call me. Do I need to bring you something? My father is here so I can run over to your place if you need me to. I... I want to see you before I leave. Call me as soon as you get this. Bye, baby."_

Edward C. Thursday, 9:34 p.m. _"Hey, I haven't heard from you yet. I'm on my way over. If you're sick, just get up and unlock the door and I'll let myself in. You have me worried. I'll see you in a minute."_

Edward C. Thursday, 9:53 p.m. _"Bella! I'm outside your door. It's still locked and I can't get in. If you're in there I know you hear me knocking. Please..."_

Edward C. Thursday, 10:45 p.m. _"Where are you? I called Rose and she had the landlord let me in. You're ...gone? I am so... please Bella, call me. This is like a bad joke or something. I don't know what happened or where you have gone. I just need to talk to you. Please call me as soon as you can."_

Edward C. Thursday, 12:03 p.m. _"(sigh) I keep calling your number praying you'ill pick up. I don't know what to think. I hope you're okay. I'm debating whether or not to go on this cruise. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy myself. I called your folks and they hadn't heard for you, so, um, I guess they're worried about you too now._ _I'm sorry. I hate this feeling. There are things we need to talk about Bella. It's time for us to move forward. I owe you so much. Maybe you're on your way to Jake's? I hope it's something like that. Call me any hour to let me know you're okay. I don't think I'll be sleeping. Bye Bella. Call me..."_

I laid my cell on the bed. My heart was pounding and I had tears creeping down my cheeks. I was sitting here with my hand subconsciously capped over my mouth in shock. He was looking for me and…he went to my loft? He wanted to talk? To move forward? He might not be on his way to Alaska?

Without a second thought, I picked up my cell and dialed his number. I wiped my face dry and sniffed. His voice mail greeted me.

"Edward, I'm sorry about last night. I really hope you're on your way to your cruise. I told you that you needed to go and be with your family. Um, I just…I have issues Edward and I'm a coward. I'm so sorry," I paused as my voice cracked. "I do think we need to talk. I'll be waiting for you when you get back. Call me then. Have fun and…I'll miss you. Bye."

I ended the call and stared out the window at the dull, gray sky. There were other messages to listen to, no doubt from my parents, Angela, and maybe even more from Edward, but for now, I'd enough.

I picked up the remote and turned on the television. I began to flip through the channels to find something to take my mind off of the present.

The distraction didn't work. My thoughts kept returning to the sound of his voice, husky and troubled, "Please Bella." How could I be so inconsiderate as to leave him hanging like that? Had I become so immersed in my own self-pity that I didn't regard other people's feelings? Because that was never what I intended. It was time I got my feelings off my shoulders and grew up.

I turned off the TV and rummaged through my bag for shower items. I decided to go for a walk afterwards. Maybe the cool winter air could help me sort out my feelings. Also, I needed coffee and food. That would help me tremendously.

~*X*~

As I walked the sidewalks of Port Angeles, it just didn't feel right. I used to know these streets like the back of my hand, and now it felt as though I was a stranger. I wasn't in danger of getting lost. It was just foreign and unwelcoming. I didn't belong here.

So where did I belong? Forks was my hometown but not my home, not anymore. All the small towns Mike moved us around throughout our relationship were nothing more than bad memories. Then there was Seattle, which I supposed was the closest thing to a home I had. But now when I thought of Seattle, I was reminded of Edward and Ethan. Without them it wasn't a place I wanted to be. So where did that leave me?

I crammed my hands deeper into my coat pockets, searching for warmth and comfort I could not find. I longed for strong arms and a familiar touch, one that I missed so much I wondered if I would ever be satisfied with another.

_Pathetic should be my middle name. _

I knew there was a little bistro about two more blocks down that served panninis to die for.

~*X*~

After placing my order and glancing around the small restaurant for a secluded table, my eyes focused on a small woman holding a tiny baby. She was rocking the swaddled infant in her seat and her shoulders shook as though she was crying. I was drawn to her.

"Excuse me ma'am, are you all right?" I laid my hand on her shoulder.

I heard her sniff as her eyes turned to me.

"Oh my God! Bree?"

I quickly retracted my hand.

Her eyes were cold and distant when they met mine. I saw the shame wash over her face. She shook her head and looked back down at her baby.

I was conflicted. I hated this woman. She took what was mine and now in retrospect, I knew it wasn't worth having, but I thought of her as low-life trash, a home wrecker. But seeing her before me, miserable and damaged, didn't fill me with satisfaction like I thought it would. I felt bad for her. All those instances when I was depressed and bitter over Mike I would have liked to have someone reach out to me with compassion.

No one ever did and I ended up isolated and scared. I single-handedly dealt with the downfall of my marriage right before my very eyes with not one person supporting me. So I learned to hold myself up and get on with day-to-day living.

"You don't have to pity me Ms. Swan. You have every right to walk away and never speak to me again. It's what I deserve." She didn't look up at me as she spoke, but kept her eyes trained on her baby. I glanced down at the newborn wrapped in a blue fleece blanket and noticed how much he favored Mike.

_Poor baby._

There are those times in your life when you realize you are at a crossroad. That in that very second you could do the wrong thing, even though it feels so right. Or you could be the better person, bury the fury and anger that churned within and make the wrong a right. This was one of those times. She was correct, she didn't deserve a millisecond of my time, much less an ounce of my empathy, but I would take the higher path.

My palm ached from gripping the metal chair back so tightly, so I pulled out the seat before releasing it and slid in across from her. Her eyes grew wide and I saw them fill with tears again.

I didn't know where to start.

"Bree, call me Bella please. What's going on?" My voice sounded sharp and a tad bit hateful, but I couldn't help it. It was what it was.

She huffed and shook her head.

"It's Mike isn't it?"

Her quiet sobs intensified as she gripped her baby tighter. He was such a fuck up and wasn't worth any person's tears.

"Listen, we can't change what happened in the past, and while you're not my favorite person in the world, I know what it feels like to be where you are. So if you need to talk, I'm here. If not, I understand and I'll walk away." Honestly, it didn't matter to me if she wanted to talk or not.

Then she looked up at me, her shoulders slumped and there was relief in her eyes.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. If I'd only known that it felt like this when you were being cheated on, I would have never kept it up. It's like he stabbed me with a venomous dagger through my heart. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to go on."

I looked around in dread. If he was here, I didn't know what I would do. Jail was the last place I wanted to go for killing my ex-husband with my fork. It seemed as though the coast was clear.

"Look Bree, three years ago I thought my world was ending. But you know what? It didn't. Mike leaving me was a blessing in disguise, truly the best thing to ever happen to me. Now, it took me awhile to get to that realization, and it wasn't easy. But now I know I wasted too many tears on that piece of shit. He hurt me in ways I don't know if I will ever heal from. Still to this day I suffer from the repercussions, but I'm getting better."

This caused me to pause and ponder the past year. _I am getting better!_ Edward had shown me a whole new life. One filled with friends, happiness, acceptance, and ...love. I had to look away and smile. _Love._

"Bella why did you stay with him so long?" My eyes darted back to her and I noticed that Bree's eyes were swollen with dark circles present. Her hair was messy and unkempt. Her make-up was smeared and blotchy and her clothes were wrinkled. The thought of _'what goes around comes around'_ came to mind, but I quickly dismissed it.

"I stayed, Bree, because I didn't know any better. I was immature. I was weak and I was stupid. Don't be like me Bree. Toughen up. Don't let him hurt you any more than he already has. What you hold there in your arms, he deserves better. You deserve better. Betrayal is hell to live through and it defiles even the strongest souls. Get out while you can. If you have any self-worth left, leave and hold on to it with all your might. Don't let him break you too Bree."

With that I stood and looked at her again, her sadness somehow touched me more than it should. "You see honey, some people are meant to stay in your life forever while others are just there to make an appearance. You become all the wiser when you can distinguish between the two. I think you already got the best he can offer. So move on."

_Who was I kidding?_ I wasn't one to be giving advice about whom to let into your life.

I turned and walked to the counter. I asked them to change my order to go. I didn't look back at her. I was afraid I would see myself reflected in her eyes. We were the same once. I prayed that I was no longer that frightened woman crying over a broken heart. I thought I was stronger than that. But what had I done last night? The. Exact. Same. Thing. We weren't really that different after all.

~*X*~

Saturday morning after checking out from the hotel, I went down the street to rent a car for my drive to Forks. I wanted to take my time, and there was a pit stop along the way I needed to make.

I let my mind wander as I drove down the two lane highway. The passing scenery didn't entice me much, and the radio was turned down to a quiet buzz.

Before bed last night I had listened to the rest of my messages. I lost count of the calls from Edward, and he eventually quit leaving me messages on my voice mail. I noticed that he hadn't called since I called him last. I hope that meant he was on a cruise in the Pacific somewhere enjoying the blended sea and sky.

I had phoned my parents too, informing them of my impromptu visit and assuring them I was fine and it was just a misunderstanding. I had forgotten to call Angela back, and I chose to not return Rose's call after the nasty message she left. She would have to wait.

I slowed down the car as I eyed my destination in the distance. I turned into the paved driveway that lead around the edge of the cemetery. I had no idea where she was.

It took me a little over an hour to stumble upon the beautiful marble head stone, the name CULLEN centered in elegant script. One half of the front of it was bare while the other was etched with the date of her birth and her passing. I squatted down and with the tip of my gloved finger traced her name E-S-M-E in the cold stone. FOREVER LOVED, TREASURED, AND REMEMBERED written above a small oval picture of her. Then, I felt as though they were meant for me, there was a pattern of three roses chiseled out below her picture.

I fell to my knees and rested my cheek on the corner of her gravestone. Then the words poured out of me as if the sky had just opened up with a summer downpour.

I told her everything. I was excited as I spoke of Ethan's adoption being final. I told her I knew how ecstatic she would be, and that she would probably want to throw a big party to celebrate. How she would pick him up and twirl him around the room and he would squeal with delight. I told her how he was getting to be so smart and how much he loved going to preschool. He was finally potty trained and Edward was so relieved. I laughed telling her about Ethan acting like the Beast and jutting out his bottom teeth. That boy could do no wrong.

My smile faded and I became silent because I knew I owed her an apology. I closed my eyes as I told her I was sorry for not doing better with Edward. I fessed up about his drinking and that I didn't know how to handle it correctly. I told her he was so sad and that he missed her so much. I grew angry as I spoke of how unfair it was to him, and that he shouldn't have to do without her. She meant the world to him and there was no doubt he would miss her... forever.

Then the emotional downpour turned into a full fledged storm as I confessed it all. I told her she was right about my walls and how I shut everyone out, because if I never let them in they couldn't hurt me. But in blocking out the pain, I was also keeping out my joy, and I wanted to be happy and to be loved. I wanted it so desperately.

I told her about my chat with Bree yesterday and that I realized it wasn't me. I wasn't what was wrong with our marriage. It wasn't that I couldn't satisfy Mike. It was that no one could, and that was so liberating and freeing. Something good had to come out of that knowledge. It was closure of sorts knowing that I hadn't always been damaged goods.

I began to sob and it was soon difficult to talk when I told her how I left Edward and Ethan. I reached out and patted inconsolably at the slick marble as my gut clenched with anguish. I apologized again for not being stronger and not being good enough. My fear was too powerful and I didn't know how to defeat it.

I squalled as I told her that I thought I loved Edward, as much as I could anyway. If he wanted me, I wanted to try to be worthy of his attention and his heart. I wanted us to experience the bliss of love, and I never wanted to go a day without him. I smiled through my tears when I shared with her that he said he might just love me too. If I could, I would go back in time and start our relationship over. I would never reject him. I would never tell him that we should just be friends. I would just allow myself to be blinded by the love he gave at whatever level, and I would pray every night for just one more day with him, one more hour even, that way it would never end.

And because this was Esme and I knew I could tell her about the darkness that abided in my soul, I admitted I was just so doubtful and insecure. I didn't know how I would handle it if he ever rejected me. Hesitance had become my life. The maybe-s and the what-if-s had drawn an invisible line before me and so far I had not tried to cross it. I begged her for an answer, and I craved her strength and courage. If there was only a way for her to share her wisdom with me, I knew she would know exactly what to say.

My bawling soon turned to a snivel and I dried my face with my sleeve. The ceramic vase in front of her monument had three withered roses resting in it. No telling how long they had been there. I reached out to finger the brown petals and they crumbled as dust under my touch. I recalled what she had told me that day so long ago in her sun room, _"It's a choice my dear. How you live your life... is a choice. Don't ever stop smelling the roses, Bella. Face the thorns without fear. Welcome the probable discomfort because it means you still have heart, you can still... feel."_

Yes, I still had heart. I'd felt more in the past year than I had ever felt before. But my choice had not been to smell the roses. I just stole a sniff every now and then. They were so beautiful and exquisite, and I placed them out of my reach. I wanted to choose love and Edward. I wanted to conquer my demons and live life abundantly. The only obstacle was how.

~*X*~

Monday morning I awoke bright and early to drive back to Seattle. I stopped by Esme's grave again after buying her a dozen of the finest roses Fork's Florist had to offer. I removed the wilted ones and placed the fresh ones in the vase. I touched her picture, looked to the sky and whispered 'Thank you.' She had shared so much with me, even if it wasn't intentional. I vowed to wise up from here on out. Probably the most important thing I had realized this weekend was that life doesn't last forever. I was fed up with being regretful and depressed. If nothing else, the saints with the surname of Cullen had stirred in me emotions that I had locked away - but no longer. I hungered for more: more than just a career, more than just a lonely existence, more than just a meaningless life. I wanted it all.

My father had spent the day fishing, leaving me and my mother to bond, well as much as we could. She knew something was wrong but she never asked. She just waited for me to fess up with her all knowing eyes and sighs of sympathy. Our mundane chatter was insignificant and I never offered her more. Then last night after I excused myself to retire for the night, she said something that left me breathless. "My darling Bella, I see the sadness written all over you. I can only imagine that it has to do with Edward and I hate that you won't talk to me about it. But I want you to know that I am well aware of these barriers, these...-er walls you construct all around yourself. You always have been so cautious in keeping others out, but I hope that in doing so, you see it. You have to be aware of who scales those walls to get to you. Those people, those are the ones who truly love and care about you. Let them in Bella."

I then ran to her and cried. I couldn't remember the last time my mother consoled me. She was a woman of few words and even fewer condolences. There was no way she knew of my prior talks of walls, yet here she was offering me advice. I should try harder with her too. She was entitled to more of my life, more of my heart, more of... me.

Before I knew it I was pulling into the parking lot to return the rental car in Seattle. Then I was on a bus headed toward my loft. Then I was standing face-to-face with Rose in the hallway of our apartment building. Her hand on her hip, her eyes narrowed at me. "Well if it isn't the drama queen in the flesh."

"Rose, come on. I---."

"No Bella you come on. We need to talk. Now!"

"I need to put my bags away."

"Your place then, let's go."

Our ride up the elevator was tense to say the least and the silence was eerie and uncomfortable. She seemed to be aggravated and I didn't know what her problem was.

When we entered my loft, I could faintly smell his cologne. I remembered him saying he had been here the other night and I couldn't help but wonder how long he'd stayed. Had he gone through my things? Surely not.

Ten minutes later Rose and I were engaged in a staring contest on my couch.

She finally broke the ice. "Bella please tell me it wasn't as it seemed, and you didn't flee from Edward's Thursday night because of Tanya?"

There was no simple way to explain this to her. "Rose, it wasn't just that, you--."

"Bella, they are RE-LATE-ED. Emmett tried to fill me in. I don't know, something about growing up together. She was their cousin that lived out of state and they spent summers and holidays together as kids. Then she became an international model in Paris or Milan or I don't remember. But Dear, she hadn't seen him in years. She's like a sister to him." She was shaking her head at me.

I became awash with shame. I focused on my fingernails and tried to hide from her evil stink eye.

"She wasn't his lover or girlfriend. Or ex-lover or ex-girlfriend. Or future lover or--."

"All right! All right! I get it Rose. So I misunderstood. I said it wasn't just...her. It was everything." I stood from the couch and walked to the bay window. "It was everything. You don't understand."

"Well evidently Edward doesn't understand either. He should have been celebrating. It should have been the happiest day of his life, but instead he spent the evening worrying about you. Looking for you! Doesn't that tell you something? Anything?"

"It's not how it appears!"

"Oh really? And how is that? That after you ran out on him, he looked as though he lost his best friend because Bella that's how it appeared."

"Rose..."

"No, Emmett and Carlisle practically had to drag Edward away to the cruise. He. Didn't. Want. To. Go. The only reason he agreed is because Jasper and I promised to find you and make sure you were okay. I almost took off work today and drove to that hole in the wall town again, Spork, Spoon, Ladle, whatever it's called. The only thing that stopped me was when I called your secretary this morning she told me you were planning on working tomorrow."

"But…"

"I'm sorry. I'm just the kind of friend to tell you how it is. I'm not going to pretty it up, I'm just laying it out there no matter how ugly it is. He cares about you Bella and from what little I have heard from him, he's scared **too**. He says you've been through a lot and... I'm not telling you anything else." She threw her hands up in frustration. "You'll have to hear it from him but you've got to give him a chance. Stop running and quit trying to make yourself believe he doesn't care about you."

I nodded my head. I felt my eyes burn as the salt water filled my lids. _How many tears can a single person produce in a week?_

"Thank you friend, for the ugly truth. I'm trying here. I didn't before, but now...I'm ready to try. Rose, in my own crazy way, I love him. **I**...**love...him**! It may not be the way you love Emmett. Or the way Alice loves Jasper, but I can't go on trying NOT to love him. When he walks through that door in a few days, I have to be able to handle whatever he says to me. ... "Yes"... "No"... "A little"... "Maybe"... "Friends," my voice faded into a whisper, "Lovers." I have to deal with it myself and that is BIG for me because **I don't deal**. I just shove it away, lock it up, and forget. So once again thank you Rose, for your advice. Thank you for caring in your harsh, cynical way. You can leave here knowing I intend with every living cell of my being to give Edward Cullen a chance. You have my word."

"Bella, that's not how...I don't want to upset you. I'm just looking out for both of you." She smiled and her eyes glimmered. "I have looked my whole life for someone to love me the way Emmett does, and I know how easily I could have pushed him away. Never gave him - us, a chance. It would've been so easy. But knowing what I know now, it would be like committing suicide. I would cease to exist without him. I don't want to see anyone I cherish possibly do the same thing. Bella, I want you to be happy and…live and…love. It's possible. Feasible! Attainable!" Her voice was getting louder and I wondered if she was about to jump up and down and run around the room.

I laughed. "Okay, I get it." I approached her and wrapped my arms around her perfect little shoulders and gave her a hug. "Thank you Rose, you may be a bitch but I still love you."

She hugged me back and pinched my ass. "Now go bathe woman! You stink!"

"Oh hush. It was the White Castles I ate on the way home. You know - onions."

"Whatever," she pinched her nose. "They won't be back 'til about ten Wednesday night. I'm meeting Em at the airport. You wanna go?"

"Um," I shook my head. "Probably not. I think I'd rather be in private for my and Edward's reunion."

"Oh clever! Brownchickenbrowncow." She made a humping motion with her hips.

"Rose, get out of here. If I change my mind I'll let you know."

"Okay chick. I'll see you around."

"Bye Rose."

~*X*~

I unpacked my bag and heard my Blackberry ringing from the other room. I ran in there to retrieve it. The number was unknown but I answered it anyway. All I heard was static then barely through the white noise, I heard his voice. --------"Bella?"--------------- "Bel-------."

I froze. "Edward?"

Through the crackling, amongst the popping, as faint as a murmur, ------"Bella."------ Then I lost the call.

I was shocked. I plopped down on the arm of the couch and held my cell against my stammering heart. _He was thinking of me. Me!_

When I finally calmed myself down, I pulled my cell away and looked at the screen. I had a missed call. It was Angela. She left me a message wanting to confirm I would be there in the morning, and that I was in for a surprise. I quickly called her back.

"Whit-"

"Yeah, yeah. What surprise Angela?"

"You'll just have to come down here and see," she spoke in a sing-song voice.

I glanced over at my watch, and saw it was only one thirty. "I'll be there in forty-five."

I threw down my cell and ran for the shower.

~*X*~

I made it to the office in record time. Granted my hair was pulled up in a loose bun and I was wearing jeans, but I needed to know now!

Angela met me in front of her desk. She grabbed my forearms and looked me squarely in the face. "Bella? Are you...okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think the storm has passed. Let's do lunch tomorrow and I"ll tell you all about it."

She winked and motioned toward my office. "It came Friday. It's on your desk."

"Friday?" I giggled as I opened my door.

She propped her shoulder against the door frame. "I'd have to bet someone has a secret admirer."

Then she shut the door as I eyed the long box suspiciously.

I opened the card first. It had a picture of a Ferris wheel on the front, but no writing. I opened it up and immediately knew that doctor's chicken scratch anywhere.

_"Dearest Bella, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I hate that I'm away from you today. Just know that wherever in this vast ocean our ship is sailing I'm thinking of you. I wish I could rope the moon to repay you for your assistance with Ethan. Yet, I harbor a secret, not only did I gain a son, I acquired so much more. I hope you understand. I will show you in every way possible your worth to me. Hence your gift today. Please do not ignore the importance of the meaning of the gift or the lyrics to the music. It is all from the bottom of my heart. We seem to be able to speak our truths better through song, so enjoy. Til next time. I meant it. ~Edward"_

I reread that card a dozen times. The music? "I meant it." _What the hell? _I meant it?

Inside the long white box were three purple irises. They had a small square card attached to the stem. **IRIS: Your friendship means the world to me. **

Wow. I was stunned. The beauty. The meaning. The thought. I picked up the small bundle to smell the petals and noticed the clear CD case under the tissue paper. There was another small square note folded up inside the case and the CD had a blank cover. Inside the folded-up paper were these words, no doubt lyrics from the song. _"You don't have to go on livin' with your back against the wall. Let my lovin' arms surround you, I won't let you fall." _

Amazing.

I fought back tears for the billionth time today as I loaded the mixed CD into my small little stereo. I sat back on the edge of my desk as the music began to play. I listened to the song over and over, my tears long spilled over. _Stay Forever._ Is that what he wanted? I wiped my face with my knuckles as Angela rapped on my door. "Bella, you have another one."

My chin dropped open and she handed me another long box. I looked from her to the box and back again. She shrugged and walked away, shutting the door behind her once again.

I slowly, tediously opened the box. Three more long-stem purple, breathtaking flowers. I scanned for the petite square card tied on the end. **GLOXINIA: Love At First Sight**

I swallowed really hard. _What? Was my spit made of glue?_ _Wait, did that say love?_

Oh! Oh! The music. I picked up the flowers and the tissue paper and found the clear CD case. I popped it open and fumbled trying to unfold the note. "_Chances are I'll see you in my dreams tonight. You'll be smiling like the night we met. Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer all I have. You're the only one I can't forget, Baby you're the best I've ever met."_

I dropped the paper. This was too good to be true. Did he really-----? I was dazed. It seemed as though I was moving in slow motion as I swapped out the music. I listened to the second song over and over and over, up until Angela knocked on my door informing me she was leaving. I followed suit and gathered my gifts.

I held my boxes close to me as I walked to the bus stop. How ironic that just a few days ago I felt as though it was the end of the world and now... now the world was at my feet.

~*X*~

Tuesday I received **JONQUIL: Love Me, Desire for Affection Returned **

Three yellow blooms. I wasn't sure of the significance of the number three but it didn't matter. All the times I had dreamed of being romanced, I never knew it would feel like this. He wrote, _"The first time I looked in your eyes I knew that I would do anything for you. The first time you touched my face I felt what I had never felt with anyone else. I wanna give back what you've given to me and I wanna witness all of your dreams. Now that you've shown me who I really am, I wanna be more than just your man ." _

Each time the lyrics were a tad longer and their meaning, the way the words jumped off the page and strummed the chords of my heart, meant so much to me. This man, the one I once thought I could keep at arm's length had somehow taken up residence inside my soul. I was throwing away the key. He was never escaping.

Wednesday I was a ball of excited nerves. He was returning tonight. I couldn't wait. I missed him more than a beached whale missed the ocean. Edward was essential to me. I would greedily accept anything he offered to me. Anything.

When the delivery man brought my box, I practically snatched it from his grasp. I all but ran into my office and shut the door. This must be what it's like to be addicted to drugs. When you get your fix, you can't consume it quickly enough. It was as if Edward was speaking to me from thousands of miles away in a language only we could understand.

When I opened the box, I literally let it fall open on my desk. Roses. Four different color roses. Each one with their little tag attached to their stem. **WHITE ROSE: I am worthy of you.** I was crying silent tears. Again. **PINK ROSE: Please believe me** _I do! I promise! _**DARK CRIMSON ROSE: Mourning **For Esme, it has to be! The last rose was so beautiful, it looked fake. **RED ROSE: I love you.**

Huh?

What?

I.

Love.

You.

Me?

_He loves me? This can't be right, I mean... I thought maybe... Or kinda sorta. The lyrics... Go read the lyrics._

_"When the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one to dry your tears. I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met... No doubt in my mind where you belong."_

He loves me.

I stumbled through the rest of the day in a haze. I didn't know what to expect. I felt like I was meeting him for the first time all over again.

When I returned home, Rose called and said she had spoken to Emmett really quick before their flight took off. She was to inform me that Edward's cell battery was dead so he couldn't call. Also, that their flight was already running behind schedule, so it would be later when they arrived and that he was coming straight to my place when he got to Seattle, so wait on him. DON'T LEAVE! I think Rose added that part in. Then she said one more thing that made my stomach flip flop, "Edward told me to tell you that he meant it."

_He meant it_. I'm still not sure what he was referring to.

~*X*~

My eyelids were getting heavy, and I tried to pry them open with my fingertips, but it didn't help. The clock on my phone said eleven fifty-nine. I hadn't heard from Rose or Edward yet. A winter storm had blown into the city and it was a possibility the roads were treacherous. Hell it was even possible his plane was stuck on the runaway, or they may had not even been able to land at all.

I settled under my grandmother's old ratty afghan for a rest on the couch to wait on him.

I heard the knocking on the door and I shot straight up. My blood began to travel through my veins at warped speed and I think I might have even skipped to the door.

I quickly swung the door open and my heart immediately fell.

"Rose?" Her face was pale as a ghost and her eyes were red.

She reached out to me at the same time she began to speak. "Bella, listen to me. There was an accident--"

"ROSE!"

"I need you to come with me."

I reached for her because my legs began to buckle, "Rose?"

"It's Edward."

**_~*X*~_**

_Sometimes people are the strongest when they have no one to hold them up._

_~Wilder_

**_~*X*~_**

* * *

****Crickets****

**Hello?**

****More Crickets****

**Are u still with me? Please, trust. You can ask my beta, there is an outline I am sticking too. This was planned from the very start.**

****Crickets getting louder****

**(sigh) Well since you are all ready to throw me under the bus, I got a recc for ya. It's a new fic, just a few chappies in:** Smoking In The Boys' Room **by** CorrinaTFF**. Yummmm**

**ADC got recc'd again by 2 blogs last month, I linked their review on my profile. I now have more wrinkles from smiling so much. ~Stacy**

**Twitter ladies, you are the wind beneath my wings. **


	13. Ch 13, Cause & Effect

**As always Becky blew her pretty sparkle dust over these words and made them form better sentences. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**I was told I should give tissue warnings, but maybe you are a hard ass like me & not much makes you cry.****  
****But just in case, grab something to blow your nose on. **

* * *

**~_*X*~_**

_Our __tears__ are what happens when it rains deep inside our hearts and we cannot hold the rain any longer._

**_~*X*~_**

Tunnel vision was just as you saw it in the movies. Everything in front of me seemed to move in slow motion, while the world outside of the passage propelled by at supersonic speed. The eerie blankness of shock quickly filled my mind with a constant hum I couldn't ignore.

Rose spoke no more as she led me into the elevator and outside down the steps to Emmett's Hummer.

_This can't be happening._

The night seemed darker than usual even though it all but glowed from the snow that had fallen over the city. The way the moon reflected off the frozen precipitation mirrored the illusion of sparkling diamonds and on any other given night, I would think it was beautiful. But not tonight, tonight it was my mortal enemy.

The voice inside my head was screaming, I wanted Rose to drive faster! I wanted to know what happened to Edward! I wanted to know if Ethan was safe! I wanted to know why!

Why...me?

But I also didn't want to know. Once I knew, there would be no going back. There could be no more denial.

My knee nervously bobbed and my hands were in constant motion not knowing where to rest or maybe not wanting to.

_Dammit can she not drive faster?!_

Once again I felt the need to pray -- I didn't need wishes, I needed miracles.

I noticed Rose kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. Her knuckles white from the tight grip on the steering wheel. She sat straight up in the seat, her anxiousness magnified from having to drive on the slick city streets.

Maybe it was a blessing our loft wasn't too far from the hospital, but what should have been a ten minute drive had already taken too long, thirty six precious minutes and counting. The digital red numbers on the clock seemed to change too quickly, somehow cheating me of seconds I didn't want to lose.

I saw a lone tear trickle down Rose's cheek and unexpectedly fear stole my breath and a whole new collection of worries sprang into my thoughts.

"Rose," my voice barely audible, "is he---."

"I'm sorry Bella, I don't know. I immediately left to come and get you." Her voice was shaky and she wouldn't even look at me.

My shoulders slumped forward and the weight of the world suddenly became too heavy to bear. I was officially defeated.

Finally, Rose pulled into the ER parking lot thirteen minutes later. It felt as though each step equaled a mile and my feet were magnetically attracted to the ground.

Rose rushed to get ahead of me to lead the way.

Through noiseless surroundings we passed by faceless people.

Stunned, shocked, numb; that was me.

I followed her through the over-flowing emergency room, down a long hall, around a corner, and through double doors labeled I.C.U.

My body was shaking.

My heart beat was rapid.

My stomach in knots.

I felt as though I was walking into the gates of Hell defenseless, and the doom that awaited me there would consume me. I would never live in the sunshine again. Darkness was my new home.

_No escaping it._

When we entered through the automatic doors, the faces became familiar. And they were sad, oh...so sad.

Then just as promising as a ray of sun pushing through the clouds, I saw him. Alice was sitting at the end of a beige leather couch with a little red haired angel's head in her lap. He was snoozing away, oblivious to the turmoil around him.

I fought the urge to run to him because he was safe and sound.

I saw Emmett sitting alone, his hands buried in his hair as he rested his elbows on his knees, Rose was soon by his side.

_Somebody please just tell me something!_

Maybe he could read my mind because within seconds Jasper was next to me.

He cautiously lead me by my elbow to a wall inside the room with a large window that viewed a hall.

I felt sick. With just a few words my world could crash down on me.

Would I survive? Did I want to?

"Bella?" Jasper slightly tightened his grip.

I looked at him through watery eyes. "What happened?" My voice didn't sound like my own. This might as well have been an out-of-body experience.

I saw him hesitate.

"Jasper! Tell me." I begged. I pleaded. I wanted to sink down to the floor and feel nothing.

He let go of my arm and reached up to scrub his face. He looked out the window at the empty, uninviting corridor and began to speak. "Edward was leaving Emmett's to go to--," he swallowed hard. My head began to shake..._no_... He exhaled loudly. "He was walking across the street and a large truck slid through the red light."

I was still disagreeing with him.

_No! _

"It was an accident. He didn't have time to react. It was unavoidable."

_Please no..._

My shoulder fell against the wall to support my weight. My legs seemed to no longer work. Then again, maybe the floor was calling to me...

"He's touch-and-go right now…"

_No! No! No! _

I slid down the wall to find my resting place.

I closed my eyes for I don't know how long.

"Bella?"

I reached up to rub my throat. It felt as though I couldn't breathe.

Jasper was now squatting down beside me. I looked at him, but I didn't really see him. Nothing was registering with me. I watched as he sat down on the floor beside me, our backs resting against the wall. I let my head fall back and wrapped my arms around myself.

"Tell me," I whispered, "What's wrong with him." I couldn't even think of his name much less say it.

Out of my periphery I saw Jasper slowly nod his head as he began to speak. "The blow was pretty hard, but the only broken bones are a couple of ribs. But it's the internal damage..." His voice trailed off.

"Please Jasper just tell me!" More pleading and more begging.

His face was blank. "He's covered in bruises. Collapsed lung. Small tear in his large intestines." He exhaled loudly. "But it's the TBI they are concerned about."

My head tingled I was so damn frustrated. "Jasper, just--"

"Traumatic brain injury Bella." His voice went from loud to soft. "Brain injury," he whispered.

I quickly jumped to my feet. "No! No! This can't--! Where is he?" I headed for the exit. I noticed everyone was watching me. I didn't give a shit. They were wrong. Edward was fine. I just had to go find him. I needed to see him. _I needed him_.

"Bella wait." I heard voices calling for me. I felt arms around me pulling me in for comfort but I only saw him. It wasn't his voice I heard, it wasn't his arms circling me, and it was crippling to my soul. The door knob was still in my grasp and my knees hit the floor again. My hand slid down the cold door and my sobs echoed off the ugly, bare walls.

I lost track of time as I sat there. Rose's hair was in my face as she held me. She rubbed my back, over and over she murmured into my ear, "Shh, he's gonna be okay." But her touch wasn't what I wanted to feel.

Once my crying subsided and I retreated to the feeling comatose, she suggested we sit in a chair. I let her lead me over to sit near Emmett.

"Rose I wanna see him." I choked out.

"I know you do honey. As soon as he's stable enough Carlisle will come out and let us know." Then she smiled, leaned forward and spoke in my ear, "I bet he wants to see you too."

I sadly grinned at the thought.

I tried to be patient. I willed myself to think about anything but Edward. It was no use. If I didn't die of a broken heart, I would probably keel over from impatience.

Every single thought I had was negative. I thought about Emmett and Carlislie and what they'd already lost, and that this might break them. I looked over at Ethan. He had just gained the world and it was threatening to be pulled from underneath his feet. But my thoughts always came back to one thing, one selfish, immature thing: _What about me? _

I was robbed of my hope. I had given up on faith. I was convinced that if I lost him, I was as good as gone. I was already too broken. My heart was constructed of tiny shards and Edward had become the glue that held it together. So if there was no Edward -- no glue -- I would be destroyed beyond repair. There would be no more tomorrows for me.

_As it should be. _

I wanted to hold Ethan. I wanted to cuddle him close to give me the comfort I needed so badly. But he was sound asleep and I didn't want to disturb him. That and I was holding out hope that any second Carlisle would come through those doors and lead me to him.

Time was irrelevant in between these four walls that kept me from him. Seconds resembled hours and hours masqueraded as days.

And the silence. It was deafening. Loud, thunderous silence that imprisoned you. I see why solitary confinement was torturous. You go mad at the roaring absence of sound. And your thoughts, they devour you from the inside out. In times like this, peaceful silence was an oxymoron.

"Bella, um, Alice and I are going to take Ethan back to her place. Em and Jasper are going to stay here. Just don't worry about anything but Edward right now okay? And if you need anything don't hesitate to ask. That's what we're here for." I nodded my head but it felt so heavy.

It confused me as to why she felt the need to pass her plans by me, but I wasn't in the mood for over-analyzing.

My eyelids were getting heavy, but I wasn't giving in to the sandman without a fight.

~*X*~

The door clicked and I shot up out of my chair. I heard Emmett, "Dad! Well?"

I rushed over to stand near Carlisle. He looked twenty years older, no doubt the distress in his life was taking a toil.

"He's stable right now, that's--"

"Dad! Come on! Just...don't sugar coat it!" Emmett's voice boomed with anger and fear.

Carlisle shook his head and turned away from us. "There's not much to tell you Emmett. He hit his head. He has swelling of the brain in his parietal lobe. There was a small hemorrhage. He's on medication to induce a coma so he can rest. Only time will tell. There's nothing else I can do."

Carlisle was a doctor and two of the people he loved more than life itself, he couldn't fix. How difficult that must be for him.

"Why don't you and Jasper go on back, the nurses are aware of who you are. I think I'll sit out here with Bella."

I wanted to protest. Carlisle wasn't who I wanted to see right now, but Emmett and Jasper didn't wait. They left the room in a rush.

Carlisle was still standing and staring out the window. I didn't know what to say, I had so many questions about Edward's condition, none of which seemed appropriate at this moment.

"He couldn't wait to get back to you Bella." He began to talk. I watched the back of Carlisle's head waiting for him to turn to me. "I've never seen him like this. You're a miracle worker. His mother and I often wondered if he would ever find the one. Luckily, Esme was very ingenious. She figured out about you before he did."

When Carlisle looked at me a small, sad smile played on his lips. His hands were tucked into his white, doctor coat and his shoulders mocked defeat.

"I shouldn't have made him go." He turned back around and it was as if he was speaking to himself.

I stood and walked to stand beside him.

"Accident's happen. There's nothing you--." This wasn't Carlisle fault.

"Oh, I'm aware of that. It's just that spending six days with the one you love is better than wasting six days just dreaming of them."

I felt myself choke up and my eyes began to burn.

"He has to be all right Bella, he has to be..." Then his head fell forward as his shoulders quaked, and he finally unlocked the cage that held back his emotions.

I timidly moved behind him and laid my cheek on his shuttering back and loosely wrapped my arms around his front.

"I know... I know... I know." It was all I could muster to say. _I know he has to be alright, since I can't live without him either_. _I know._

We stood there like that for what felt like hours and nothing more was said.

Carlisle then cleared his throat and I took it as time to release my hold and stepped back. "Are you ready to see him?"

I nodded.

Every cell in my body was pulsating in fear, yet I knew I had to be strong.

We walked into a busy area filled with many rooms, the curtains all drawn so you couldn't see inside. A few nurses manned the station watching monitors filled with numbers and readings, while other doctors and nurses bustled around the unit on a mission.

A few of the people we passed, dolefully smiled at Carlisle and he would nod his head in return. His hand was placed at the back of my elbow. He spoke in a quiet tone. "I'm not on staff here yet, I applied to be after Esme died, but the chief here is a dear friend of mine, so he immediately gave me permission and administrative duties for Edward's care."

We stopped outside of a room, the door was cracked open and I heard Jasper and Emmett whispering inside.

Carlisle turned to me, "If you have any questions Bella just ask me okay?"

I nodded.

He put both his hands on my forearms, "Can you handle this? He needs you...to be brave." He tried to smile again, "I don't think I have the energy to take care of both of you right now."

I folded my arms around each other. "I promise, I can..."

Emmett and Jasper must have heard us talking, and they exited the room and stood outside the door. Jasper wouldn't meet my eyes and Emmett took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. I watched him cover his mouth with his hand and he locked his gaze with Carlisle's.

"Boys have a seat back out in the waiting room, and I'll join you in a sec'."

They walked away as I slowly followed Carlisle into the small room.

The sounds and smells accosted my senses and my heart skipped a beat. If Carlisle hadn't told me that was Edward lying there, I wouldn't have believed it.

His head was bandaged in white cloth, with only the hair at the base of his neck visible against the starch, white pillow. His hair looked darker than usual. The bandage wound around his forehead right above his eyes, they were closed and he looked peaceful. I haltingly approached his bed, slowly accustoming myself to the nightmare laid before me.

Carlisle held Edward's chart in his hand and was reading over it, his brow wrinkled in worry. He was glancing around at all the monitors surrounding the isolated bed.

I neared the head of the bed and wiped the salt water tears from my eyes. I was strangely calmer than I thought I would be. _It must be his presence. _

I started to touch him, but I hesitated.

"He had to be intubated and that's a ventilator. It was too painful for him to breathe on his own, so... You can touch him Bella."

The air I was holding quickly left my lungs and I placed my hand on his cheek. I couldn't help but allow myself to grin as I gnawed on my bottom lip. His skin was warm and rough, it was familiar and relaxing. I wanted to crawl up beside him in the bed and hold him. Caress his back as his arms were wound around me. I longed to hear him laugh and say my name in that way that sends ripples of sheer delight down my spine.

But for now, this would have to do.

I brushed his jaw and the hidden dimple in his cheek. I purposefully avoided his lips and the apparatus that was protruding from them. The sockets of his closed eyes were almost black and there was a small cut on his left side.

"Are you going to be okay Bella?" Carlisle asked.

I nodded without taking my eyes off Edward.

"I'm going to talk to Emmett and Jasper. I'll leave you two alone. I've already cleared it and you can spend the night, if you want. You might not get much sleep though."

"Thank you. I think I will." He couldn't have made me leave.

Carlisle walked to the other end of the bed and patted Edward's lifeless hand. He whispered, "Goodnight son," and then turned to walk away.

"Carlisle," his name slipping from my lips in desperation. "Is he going to be ok? I mean, will he, is he gonna make it?"

His eyes darted around the room to Edward and then me. His breath quickly left his lungs as he said, "I hope so Bella. I just..I don't know."

Panic shot through me like a shock of electricity, but once I glanced down at him, calm washed over me again.

There was a chair pulled to the edge of the bed, and I scooted it as close as I could and sat down. I placed his palm under mine, and traced his fingers with my other hand.

Many a thought flooded my mind.

I covered his fingers with my hand and laid my head gently beside his bare hand.

"You silly boy. What have you done?" I continually caressed his skin.

"You know I was waiting for you, but now I'm thinking you should have waited until the weather cleared up. We have forever Edward."

I chuckled. Talking to him seemed to make me feel more at ease.

"I mean, I know we might have wasted the past year or so, but I'd rather think of it that we were just skating around the edge of the pond, just waitin' on the ice to thicken in the center before we skated away spinning side-by-side, showing everyone how it's done. That's what we did right? We built a strong foundation."

I sighed, realizing I wasn't really making any sense.

"Edward, you can't leave me now. You're stuck with me. Don't think that walking across that street and getting hit by a truck is going get you out of this. I'm yours."

I started to choke up again. I lifted my head to kiss the back of his hand. I let my lips linger there as long as my neck would allow before I rested my cheek again on the bed.

"Please."

Seconds morphed into minutes and the constant beeping of the heart monitor comforted me.

I must have fallen asleep because soon I was awakened by a short stature nurse shaking my shoulders.

"Ma'am. Ma'am. Excuse me."

I slowly sat up and wiped the drool from my mouth and the sleep from my eyes.

I immediately looked at Edward, hoping for a change.

None.

He hadn't moved.

"I'm sorry miss, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room for a moment."

I ran my fingers through my hair and nodded my head. "Sure."

I squeezed Edward's hand again as I stood to leave him.

I didn't want to go.

I never wanted to leave his side.

My shoulders fell with each breath I took and walking away from him, it hurt.

I left the room physically, but my heart, my mind, my life - it was all back there with Edward.

I found the women's restroom and then began my search for the nearest coffee.

"Bella."

I turned and found Jasper quickening his steps to walk beside me.

"Jasper." I tried to smile as I greeted him. I tried to be friendly and join the land of the living, but it was useless.

"Bella, there's something important I need to talk to you about."

I shook my head. "Um, now?"

"Yes. It really can't wait."

We stepped over to the side of the hall. I smelled coffee, but I just didn't see it yet.

"It's about Ethan."

I snapped my head up and squinted at Jasper. "What?"

"Shit!" He muttered as he looked away. He turned his face toward mine, "I was hoping I would never have to tell you this."

"What?" My voice began to waver.

"Last Friday morning, before Edward left he came into the office."

I agreed, I remembered Angela telling me he had been there. It seemed like such a long time ago.

"He came in to amend his will."

Jasper stopped talking. I didn't want him to stop...talking.

"He, um, of course added Ethan as his sole beneficiary. But..."

_Please just spit it out! What?!_

"He appointed a guardian for Ethan in case of his own death."

"Jasper, Edward is not... Why are you telling me this?" My tears, they were standing by, ready to spill over with any breath.

"You Bella. He named you Ethan's guardian."

"Wh... wha... I... I don't understand."

"You are Ethan's Godmother." I tried to comprehend what Jasper was saying but all I could think about was the sadness in his eyes.

I felt weak.

"What about Emmett? Er...Carlisle?"

No answer.

"Me, Jasper?" I could barely speak.

"Bella, he said you were the only one he wanted to raise Ethan in his absence. He said he practically regarded you as Ethan's mother figure anyway."

I shook my head.

_NO!_

"Listen to me," Jasper grabbed my upper arms. "He chose you Bella! He said he wanted to give you the gift he knew you wanted more than anything in this world. The one you so graciously helped him attain. "

I was at a loss for words.

"So I know right now, your main concern is Edward, but Ethan is your responsibility, at least until Edward regains consciousness. Alice, Rose, all of us are all willing to help you with Ethan but, I need you to know, that you... for now, he's yours."

_He is mine? But I am Edward's..._

My fate was bittersweet. I would never want to lose Edward to gain Ethan. Never in a million years would I have chosen such a thing.

"Are you okay? We can talk more later as this settles with you. I'm sorry. But as his lawyer, and your friend, I felt you should know."

"I'm... yeah." I exhaled slowly. "I'm all right."

"I'll be around if you need me."

"Um. I'm going... I'm going back to Edward now."

Coffee no longer sounded appealing.

I reached Edward's door in a haze, I didn't even know how I found it.

I stood outside the door, too stunned to enter.

I reached up and placed my hand on the small, cool glass square that offered a glimpse into the room.

For inside that room was what made my soul come alive. The love of my life who loved me so much, he was willing to give me his most treasured prize. More precious that gold, more cherished than the finest diamonds, more valuable than all the money in the world. His son.

_A child to call my own._

I felt the purpose of my being align right before my eyes, and it was becoming more and more clear with each breath I took.

Edward gave me a responsibility, he gave me a reason to live.

And I loved him even more so for that.

Edward and Ethan, they were my life now.

***~X~***

_Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation._

_~Kahlil Gibran_

***~X~***

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(please keep in mind, Bella's thoughts were kinda spacey, she was in shock.)

**Thank you for sticking with me & not flouncing me yet, I promise you won't regret it. Sorry for the delay in updating, all this FFn drama (fics getting reported) put me in an emo mood & many days I wondered if it's even worth it to continue. **

**  
****Thanks for all the love of ADC, recc'n me out & alerts/reviewing. The numbers shock me. Much love! ~Stacy**


	14. Ch 14, Thoughts

**Becky fixed this up for us, her sparkle dust is magical. **

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**Corrina assured me I wasn't going to make you all flounce with this chapter.  
**

**Sheene pre read & may or may not have cried.**

**Please read my massive A/N below =]

* * *

**

**~*X*~**

If the only way for us to be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever.

~Unknown

**~*X*~**

_My dearest Edward,_

_My my my, how you have changed my life. You probably already know this, but I'm not that same Bella who walked into your apartment last summer. Then, I was a dull, lifeless lump of clay. You molded me and formed me and painted me beautiful with your love and compassion. I was then put through the fire and guess what? I survived - I'm surviving. I came out of the furnace, refined with aspirations and intent. I'm stronger and... I'm alive, more so than I have ever been. _

_Three days have passed since you've been in the hospital, two of which I spent by your side, but yesterday evening Alice approached me. I could tell she was hesitating and then she regretfully told me she couldn't keep Ethan anymore. Tears were in her eyes and I hugged her so hard. All our friends have been so wonderful. They have put their lives on hold for me, for you, for Ethan. But Alice had an appointment and Rose had a press conference. Emmett, he's around as much as he can be and Jasper has the firm. And your father, bless him, he's thrown himself into his work. I worry about when he sleeps and eats, but he is selfless. Only you matter to him right now and I can understand the feeling._

_They still have you under, giving you plenty of uninterrupted time to rest and to heal, but Carlisle assures me you're getting better. I don't ask any further questions. Truth be known, I'm afraid to, for the answers might not be what I want to hear. Instead I interpret what I imagine his eyes are saying, if his brow is worried or not, and the times when I see him smile, my heart beats a little bit faster. For now, that's all the hope and reassurance I need._

_Rose accompanied me to my loft to pack a few things before meeting Jasper and Alice here at your place with Ethan, and I picked up this journal you gave me for Christmas. I'm usually not one to write in a diary, but right now in this season of my life, an outlet for my thoughts seems logical, therapeutic even.  
_

_So I will keep my silly cogitations here, hidden in this leather-bound chronicle, and hopefully one day we will look back on this and be thankful for what we have made it through. __Because this too shall pass. (I'm trying to be optimistic here!)_

_Forever,_

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward,_

_I wish I knew this was going to get easier. I so want...no I NEED a guarantee you're going to be all right. This daily living in uneasiness is tiring. It's like every second is a dreadful cliff hanger and the ending is unknown. I sometimes want to cover my eyes, and pray it gets better before I open them again. Yeah, I know that's cowardly, but that's me._

_I can't be with you as much as I want to be, for in wanting me to step-in as Ethan's guardian, you made it clear what my number one responsibility should be. That doesn't mean my heart is not there with you, right along with my worries and my concerns. I don't feel comfortable bringing Ethan to the hospital everyday. It's not a place for a three-year-old and he shouldn't see you in this condition, so that leaves me here. Too many miles away from you, missing, wishing, longing... incomplete._

_I can't find the words to describe Ethan, he's just perfect, and spending so much time with him is a counteraction for my anxiety. Just when I get overwhelmed or feel defeated, he somehow makes me smile. Or he'll crawl up in my lap and give me complacency, but mostly he loves me and that is so beneficial. At times when I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it all, everything is slipping away, he just... loves me, unconditionally, and gives me purpose. A reminder that I must go on, I must find a way, with or without you. _

_Being here at your home every day is both Heaven and Hell. It seems as though this is how it's supposed to be, except for the fact that you're not here. When I come into your bedroom, I feel calm. I don't allow myself to linger in here too long, since I don't want to use all of you up. It's like I see you here in your rumpled sheets and your open closet door. The towel you left laying in the floor and the empty water cup on the bedside table. Your hand print on the corner of the mirror, and the lid off of your cologne. I walk in and pretend you just left. I must admit I do pick up your pillow quite often and steal your scent, careful to not exhaust my supply. I miss you so much. These past few days might have well been centuries. My heart is barren without you._

_Always,_

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_My Edward,_

_It's four in the morning and I just woke up from a dream. One where you were here with me. I can still feel your hands all over me; touching, mapping, pleasing. The print of your unique fingertips must be etched on my skin, and I can't forget it. The way your touch is loving and wanting, yet passionate and protective. Our trysts were few, but at night, in my dreams, they are habitual. I long for you Edward, in ways I didn't know it were possible. My lips are lonely, my butterflies are dormant. I need you. Please return to me, quickly. _

_Lonely,_

_~B_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward,_

_Damn it! It's been five days, not even a fucking week, and here I sit on the floor beside your bed, crying my eyes out. My heart is screaming "I can't do this!" Because Edward, it hurts so damn much. I pretend, I save face and look like I have it together around other people, and especially around Ethan I can stand tall. But when the moon lights the sky and most people are turning in, my thoughts, they tear me apart._

_It's no secret that optimism isn't one of my best traits, I've always been the glass is half empty kinda girl, but trying to have faith and hope in this situation, it's too arduous. I'm drowning in my own doubt. I keep the negative thoughts at bay, I hide them deep down. I tell myself that it won't be THIS way for much longer and I don't allow myself to think that you are not going to get better,. I mean, that is not even an option to me. Then I have a day like I had today. Seeing you in that ugly, uncomfortable, hideous bed, looking so lifeless, inside a part of me dies. Reality slaps me in the face and it stings. I can feel it piercing my soul._

_When I got to the hospital, Alice and Jasper took Ethan for awhile. I was excited that I brought a couple of books to read to you. I couldn't decide which one, so I brought a few. I even brought some of Ethan's because I figured that would be perfect for the amount of time we had._

_Carlisle met me outside of your room, and I immediately felt like he was holding back and I don't want him to hold back! I needed the truth. He said they had begun to reduce your barbiturate drug so you could awaken on your own. I was beyond relieved. He was saying that you would no longer be in a coma, or that's how I took it anyway. Of course, that's not how it happened. They reduced your medicine and nothing changed! Nothing!_

_You never even flinched._

_Sitting with you for those hours, just me watching you, any certainty and hopefulness I had slipped through my fingers as if they were coated in oil. Because you didn't come to me. You didn't greet me with your crooked smile and your dazzling eyes. You just didn't......_

_I tried, hell I tried so hard to think of the positives. You're breathing on your own now, and the ventilator gone. But your lips are so chapped. I left a tube of Chap-stick beside your bed and I apply it every chance I get. And Carlisle said they ran numerous tests on your brain. The CAT scan was good, the bleeding was gone and the swelling was almost non-existent. It and the MRI showed normal functionality of your brain, so why didn't you wake up, Edward?_

_Don't you get it? I NEED YOU!_

_Without Edward there can be no Bella._

_I will not exist._

_I know that is unfair to Ethan, but it's the truth. I'm not whole without you. I will not make it._

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Oh Edward,_

_Its so strange to me how often I find myself wanting to write to you in this book, more than once a day sometimes. It comforts me as though you're sitting right here beside me, your arms folded up behind your head, your legs stretched out in front of you, and I have your undivided attention._

_A girl can wish._

_I just returned from the roof, and I swear that place is magical. The stars are so close I can almost touch them. I'm so thankful you have this baby monitor thing, (even though I'm not sure WHY you have it.) When Ethan is tucked in, I turn it on and keep it with me. I'm not sleeping much these days. The wheels in my mind are in constant motion, and I wonder what I used to think about before, because now the Cullens always occupy my thoughts. You, Ethan, your father, even Emmett. I care about you all so much._

_I look forward to the time when you can go to the roof with me. On a cold night, I wrap myself up in a blanket, fix a hot drink and get comfortable. I concentrate on clearing my mind and calming myself. It's almost as remedial as writing to you or sitting by your side. Almost._

_Tomorrow I get to sit with you again. Emmett offered to take Ethan for the day, so that will be two days in a row._

_I'm so lucky._

_Tomorrow,_

_~B_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward,_

_I brought my journal with me and as soon as I walked into your room, I felt like today was going to be monumental. There was a buzz in the air, I may have just imagined it, but it made me smile regardless. Your color looked good today. Carlisle met me as soon as I got here, and he looked good today too, well-rested even. _

_He said you're completely off your barbiturates. So it's all up to you now and just so you know, you have a bunch of cheerleaders rooting you on._

_He said you're still on pain medication for your broken ribs, and some other stuff for inflammation and infection - doctor talk - but anyway you're getting better. I know it. I can feel it in my bones._

_I was sitting with you, reading the headlines aloud. Boring I know, but sometimes I just want to feel a little bit of normalcy. My fingers were resting under yours and I swear to God Edward, you moved your fingers! I dropped the paper and almost fell out of my seat, but you moved! It's been seven days with nothing but heartbeats and deep breaths and then you moved your fingers! I tried really hard not to scream! I just wanted to kiss you, crawl up beside you on the bed and tell you how proud I am of you. I didn't leave your side for the rest of my visit. I don't think I even shuffled my feet. I even held my breath countless times, just watching and waiting._

_A few big decisions were made today that I wanted to tell you about, but after you brushed my fingers, I forgot about everything. So I will tell you now, Jasper has graciously offered me a hiatus from the firm. He promised whenever I was ready to return, my position would be there. He told me just to brush up on new laws and maybe do some continuing education on-line, or nothing at all if I chose. He's such an amazing man. And friend._

_Now there is something else, I really worried about this. I would have loved to talk it over with you but... My lease is up for renewal in two weeks. I'm never there. I don't want to be there. Rose approached me, and she offered to be my roommate whenever I needed one. So I let my place go. It was a relief in a way. I hired a moving company and all of my belongings are going to storage. I'm staying here at your place with Ethan as long as I need to and if - no when you wake up, I will take it day-by-day. Ethan and I are going by there tomorrow to pick up some more of my clothes and such._

_Someone told me once that coincidences are instances when God wants to remain anonymous, and that nothing in life is by chance, it was all planned out before we were even born. So after all this conspired; my leave of absence, giving up my lease, my uncertain future, your father approached me. He was nervous, but he asked me if I would be willing to go to Forks. At first I had no idea what he was talking about. But he said when you are released, he wants us all to stay with him for an indefinite amount of time while you recover. The mere fact he was asking ME warmed my heart so damn much, I couldn't have told him no._

_So there it is, I'm officially a stay-at-home-Godmother. Has a nice little ring to it, doesn't it?_

_Anxiously waiting,_

_~Your B._

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward,_

_Ethan's asleep, it's a cloudless night here in Seattle and I'm trying to remember the last time the moon was so bright._

_I'm still on a high that you touched me today. I'd like to think it was my voice you were responding to. That in your subconscious mind, you distinguished my familiarity and it was something you missed. That maybe you still long for me too. That you still desire me._

_I also wonder if you are in limbo, and fate has allowed you an opportunity to speak with Esme one last time. Maybe she's there beside you holding you in her arms, rocking you until you're healed, caring for you as only a mother can._

_I seek out falling stars and I gaze upon the moon and I wish this for you, a hundred times I wish this. You deserve it._

_Forever,_

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward, _

_I hate missing you, but I love having you to miss._

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_My one and only,_

_My face hurts from smiling so much. Today, today was a good day. No, today was the best day of my life! You said my name! Although your eyes were fluttering closed, your body still limp, your lips still dry, your voice barely audible, you said my name._

_Your bandages are gone. Your bruises barely visible. Your hair relaxed on your head. A slight scruff on your face, but you are still mine-my Edward._

_Carlisle and Emmett were practically bouncing off the walls when Ethan and I arrived at the hospital. Carlisle said you had slightly moved a few times and moaned unclear words. I couldn't wait to get to you. To think that you might be able to hear me, to be aware of my presence, to look at me even, my hope was renewed._

_Then as I stood by your bed, the beep of your monitor a soothing melody to my ears, I watched your eyes try and open. I bent forward to get closer to you, if only I could crawl into your skin. I placed my hands on your face. I trailed my thumbs across your cheeks and I might have even touched your lips. I reassured you that I was here, I had always been here, even if not physically. I watched as your brow furrowed as if you were wincing with pain. I held back my tears because I didn't want you to hurt anymore. Then one side of your beautiful lips curled up ever so slightly and you whispered my name._

_I couldn't hold back my sobs any longer. I cried, with all the force of Niagara Falls, I let my tears flow. I laid my head on your chest and listened to your heart beat as I wet your sheets with my joy. Neither you nor I said anything else as you fell back into your slumber._

_But you said my name!_

_I wish there was an easy way to explain this. You are my sun; I know you're there even when the clouds are between us and when it storms in my life, you shine on me and help me grow because of it. You keep me warm, direct my path, and without you in my life there is no light. But now, even when there is a sunless sky, you will also be my moon, shining in my darkest moments with the stars dancing around us and you will lead me home. You.  
_

_There is still so much unknown. We don't know how long you will be like this, or how much damage has been done. But I now have faith and hope and promise._

_The ascent has begun. The valley of lows behind us as we make our way to the top of the mountain! Being on top of the world doesn't mean anything unless you know what its like to be at the bottom, and that is where I have been. No more, we can only go up! You lead the way, I'm right beside you._

_Eternity is ours,_

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

_Edward,_

_One more thing, if I ever mention to you that I almost lost you, remind me that almost doesn't count!_

_On cloud nine,_

_~Bella_

**~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~*X*~**

**~*X*~**

Beginnings are scary.

Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts.

So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up.

And it will!

~Hope Floats

**~*X*~**

**

* * *

  
**

**Well? **

**If you have read H&HG: EPOV, you understand the concept of the journals. **

**Also, I had a few people message me to let me know that they have experienced a TMI first hand, and while I have experienced other traumas, a brain injury is not one I am familiar with. I hope I get it close, there will be no waking up & Edward yelling "Where's the beer?" I did research it & what I seemed to read over & over is that it affects everyone differently as it will my Edward. So I hope I have not turned anyone off from my lack of medical knowledge.**

**Also, I had MAJOR writers block trying to turn out this chapter and sadly only 2 or 3 chapters are left. **

**I wanted to say that I made a document of my fav reviews from here & Twilighted for inspiration and I want to say thank you to the following ladies (in no particular order) who left me a kind word along the way that warmed my heart: KellyCullen004, alicejasperfan27, auntyjenny13, twilightgma1954, AJ04, starrie, inked-mom, deeemonayy, cassieleexo, kearstien, Jessy-Anne, mylifemywayforever, nw1013, ssherrill115, TotallyObsessed82, Nanda86, ColoursCollide, Amieforshort, mpattz, Juliebly, ldskbell, cassafrass11, spunk-ransom-lover1981, Longing to Write, katherinef7, MaggieMay14, BurnToShine, & LovesHerRomeo. This is only a partial list b/c I only went back to chapter 11!  
**

**A special thanks goes out to IluvSpunk & CorrinaTFF, they are the 'courage' to my encouragement, you ladies have no idea!**

**This fic is on Twilighted & TWCS, so if by chance I am ever pulled by FFn, you can find me, my penname on both & Twitter: Mrs_Robward**


	15. Ch 15, Peepholes

**As usual, Becky used her sparkle marker and fancied up my ramblings.**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**Sandy from Southern FanFiction Review pre read for me, that was her award for asking me to update more often than everyone else combined. **

**CorrinaTFF gave me some much needed guidance along the way.**

* * *

_**~*X*~**_

_We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another._

_~Luciano de Crescenzon_

_**~*X*~**_

As I lied in the middle of Esme's rose garden, I couldn't help but sigh. This had become my personal sanctuary. No matter what was happening around me, I could venture out here and it was like Esme was all around me. Her motherly warmth blanketed me. She would be laughing, her eyes twinkling with life and my problems and worries didn't seem so big after all.

It had been six weeks since Edward's accident, and in that short time frame I'd begun to have a whole new outlook. _No regrets_. Every single move I had made in my past had led me to here. I wouldn't be where I was if Mike hadn't cheated, if I hadn't miscarried, if I hadn't moved to Seattle, if I hadn't on a whim applied to Whitlock & Associates, and so on. It didn't matter what I'd been through, I had prevailed and here I was.

Edward's recovery was slow. My patience had definitely been tested and tried, but I had Ethan to ground me as much as possible. Edward had spent twenty days in the hospital, and then the day after he said my name, he completely awoke from his coma. His pain medication kept him knocked out most of that time after that, but Carlisle reassured me it was for the best.

I disagreed. I wanted my Edward back.

Some days when I would leave him, I cried harder than I ever had. I was so damn angry. This was my life, my present and my future, and some freak accident had fucked it all up.

But I held on, as tight as I could with my remaining thin strand of hope, that time would work miracles for me, for us. We had eternity to get this right. I would give him that – forever. Edward and Ethan were everything to me. I would fight tooth and nail against the powers that be, Edward had to recover.

~*X*~

Three weeks ago, Carlisle called me to suggest that Ethan and I should leave for Forks. Edward was being released the next day. Carlisle gave us the heads up so that we could go ahead and get settled before they arrived. He also informed me he had hired a nanny. Her name was Mrs. Cope and she had worked with him for a short while at Fork's General. I started to protest, but he assured me that this was for **MY** benefit. She would be there to help with Edward or Ethan or both. She was a widow and a retired RN who could bake a kick ass strawberry cake and make chicken and dumplings that made you want to slap your momma. After his lame attempt to make me laugh, I couldn't argue with him. He was right, I needed all the help I could get.

After four days of Edward being practically vegged out, Carlisle decided it was time to try something different. He slowly cut back Edward's dosages and then one by one, he changed Edward's prescriptions.

Jackpot! Who would have known that the concoction of Edward's medication was having such an adverse effect on him?

Two days later, I awoke to laughter. I bolted straight up in my bed. I didn't move a muscle as I leaned my ear forward trying to figure out exactly WHO it was I heard.

Edward!

I jumped from the bed and ran to his door. I froze and tears stung my eyes when I saw them. Ethan was sitting in Edward's lap in his bed and they were looking at a book. I stood there quietly, neither one of them had noticed my presence yet.

"Em," Ethan said matter-of-factly.

"This?" Edward asked, hearing his voice made me gasp.

"Al-wus...Jay."

"And... this?" Edward pointed to the book.

"Dad-dee." Ethan answered before he giggled.

I could see Edward's smile from way over here and I knew I would have to answer for that one later. I took a step inside his room, disregarding the fact that I was still in my boy shorts and my favorite Edward sleeping t-shirt.

They both turned to look at me. Ethan not caring that I was around, while Edward couldn't look away.

"Morning," I whispered.

"...Hi." Edward breathed before Ethan shuffled in his lap and demanded, "Book!"

I approached them slowly and wondered if I was dreaming. This was too good to be true. I mean, look at him! His smile and the glimmer in his eyes, they stole my breath! Even the tone of his voice was familiar. _My Edward. _

"This?" Edward asked Ethan, and page by page he named everyone off. Carlisle was 'Pops,' Esme was 'Meme', Jasper was 'Jay', Alice was 'Al-wus', Emmett and Rose were 'Em and Ro', I was still 'Lala', but now Edward was 'Dad-dee.'

"Did you...? He..." It was difficult for Edward to speak his thoughts easily.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, "Yes. I found this picture book for children online, and I thought it would be perfect for him to learn everyone's name. I mean..." I paused because this was hard to say, "I didn't want him to forget about anyone, Esme...you." I swallowed hard before biting my bottom lip and looking away.

"But...Bella? He doesn't...call me Bub?" I looked up at Edward and he looked confused. Then he broke into a heart warming smile.

I stood and quickly was at the head of his bed. I laid my hand on his cheek. "Surprise!" I joked in an unsure laugh before I shook my head. "No, you're not his Bub anymore. You are his Daddy. He's so smart Edward. It didn't take him long to learn. He knows."

"Bella..." Not taking his eyes off of mine, he turned his head so that he could kiss my palm. He closed his eyes and covered my hand with his own. He nuzzled his cheek back and forth, tickling my palm with his scruff.

Mrs. Cope then walked through the door announcing to Ethan that his breakfast was ready. She asked if either of us needed anything before she picked Ethan up off the bed and took him downstairs.

"Come," Edward whispered and I crawled underneath his covers in the bed beside him. I tucked my feet under his flannel clad legs and trying to avoid his ribs, I gently laid my head on his chest. Being in Edward's arms again, it was enough to cause my tears of joy to overspill. I wrapped my arms around him as much as I could, and I held on. I weeped and fisted his shirt tightly because I would be damned if I was ever letting go of this.

He held on to me too, his arms embracing me. As we sat there propped up in his bed, we gently swayed back and forth. It's true what they say: For some moments in life, there are no words. Gestures were all we needed, the two of us clutching the other as if we were to ever stop, we would cease to exist. I don't know how long we sat there like that. I knew Edward drifted in and out of sleep. His arms would go slack when he dozed off and then he when he awoke, he hugged me again. Sometimes kissing the top of my head, sometimes caressing my back or fingering my tangled hair, sometimes just sighing.

Once when I felt him shift in the bed, I sat up and looked at him. I rested my hands on his cheeks again. I traced his lips, his nose, and his eyebrows. I lightly scraped my fingernails through his messy hair. I splayed my palms down his shoulders, his arms, and then the backs of his fingers. "I missed you so much," I spoke as I gazed into his eyes. I just wanted to feel him all over me again.

He nodded his head and mouthed, "You too."

The rest of the day was spent the same, we just enjoyed each other as we ate, napped, and listened to Ethan jabber to his toys. There was so much that needed to be said between Edward and I, but there was no rush. This was the first day, I hoped of many, that he seemed to be feeling himself again.

Edward's good mood lasted for two days. We found out that he was sometimes off-balance when he stood up, and Carlisle joked about getting him a walker. His brain was still slow relaying to his mouth what he wanted to say, so he just didn't talk a lot. Mostly, he just chatted with Ethan because Edward knew Ethan didn't notice the difference. Edward always answered questions with a nod and I tried not to giggle as he pointed at things he wanted.

But on that third day, I awoke to a shrieking noise coming from Edward's room. I jumped up and was immobilized in the doorway when I saw Carlisle standing over Edward in his bed. Edward was curled up in a ball and his arms were bent to curl over his head. Carlisle was talking in a low voice and Edward would shake his head in response. I was frightened and confused, I just wanted to help him. After a few minutes, Carlisle walked away from the bed and stood in front of me. "He'll be all right Bella."

"What is it?" He sure as hell didn't look alright to me.

"You know how he's been complaining about his ears ringing?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"Well, now he's having some pretty serious migraines along with it, and lots of...shooting pain. I'm going to drive into town and pick up a new prescription. I went ahead and gave him some pain medication and a sleeping aid. He'll be asleep soon enough." Carlisle looked back at Edward before turning back to look at me. "Goodnight Bella."

"Be careful." I spoke to Carlisle as he exited the room. I slowly approached Edward's bed, and to see him writhing in pain almost brought me to my knees. I lied on the bed beside him and ran my hands up and down his torso. Every so often I kissed his back and then I softly began to sing him a lullaby. I sang until I felt him relax and his fist fell open. I stayed with him until I heard Ethan's pitter-patter through the house. I got up and covered Edward and quietly shut the door behind me.

My shoulders slumped forward as I thought about how our journey had just begun. Who knew how many more hurdles we might have to jump to get back to...us.

~*X*~

I reached up and feathered my finger along the petal of a beautiful red rose above me. Some days I even spoke to them, our one-sided conversations sometimes replacing my journal entries. Carrying on with a rose garden may be a bit along the lines of crazy, but I needed a tangible...thing to talk to.

These past three weeks had been hard. We took one step forward and then five steps back. For every good day or two Edward had, four more of Hell would follow. Poor Carlisle was doing the best he could. I think we owned a bottle of half the prescription medications listed in the current PDR of pharmaceuticals. But there was no doubt that Edward was healing, and those decent days when I sat beside him, his hand in mine, those days were worth it. All of it.

It was strange because day-by-day nothing seemed to be changing, but soon I realized that everything had.

~*X*~

Finally after almost a month of Edward battling crippling migraines, Carlisle found something that Edward could take when the ringing started and the pain would never set in. One of his many drawbacks was insomnia. He wouldn't let me sleep with him because he claimed that he would keep me up all night, but he didn't understand, mainly because I didn't tell him, but I wasn't sleeping either. Sleep eluded me when I knew that he was on the other side of that wall lying awake either with a book in his hand or the television turned down low. I just wanted to be with him, in any capacity. So I'd try my best to give it a few hours of me being in my bed, and then I 'd tip-toe into his room and snuggle into his bed. He never told me no, yet he never encouraged me either.

Edward's verbal skills began to improve. The words came easier to him as time went on. The instances of him stumbling with what he wanted to say became fewer and far between. But I noticed there were still times he started to say something to me, only to let his mouth bob open and shut before looking away.

Edward's unpredictable moods continued. _What an 'effin roller coaster! _Carlisle had explained it all to me, and that it was another result of his TBI, but still. If as women, we were this...irritable, how could a man ever put up with us? I had perfected the art of reading his moods on his face. When he was angry, I would take Ethan out for the day, visiting my parents or taking a trip to the library. When he was sad, I would lead Edward on a walk through the garden and down by the stream. The good moods, I shared with everyone else. I'd call Emmett or Jasper to come and visit with us. But I still never imagined it was going to be this hard.

But somehow, I did it.

We endured.

Some of those good days, when Edward was playful and happy, he'd pass me in the hall and pull me behind a door for a kiss. It was as if we were two kids trying to not get caught by our parents. The kiss would be soft and sensual, but it was still Edward's lips. His arms would wrap around me and pull me tight to him. Sometimes even after his lips left mine, he would graze my hair line from above my ear to my forehead with his nose, then press his lips to my temple in the dearest way as he held me close.

But it wasn't passionate or filled with desire. There was no longing for more behind it, not on his part anyway. Yet, on my end, I was moaning like a cat in heat. I wanted horny Edward to grab me up and fling me against a wall as he tore my clothes off. I wanted to see that burning lust in his eyes that screamed out how much he wanted me. It had been so long since I'd seen that. I was scared it was gone for good, lost somewhere in the old Edward, the pre-accident Edward. So I buried that fear away. I had Edward now, and I had to have hope that with time, the flame in me could light his wick and we would burn together.

There was never a conversation initiated between us about our relationship, before or since the accident. Never any terms of endearment whispered. Nothing was said about his appointing me guardianship over Ethan, and it was all nagging the shit out of me. I just wanted him to lay it on the table. Tell me, did he really love me or not? Did he mean what he said when he sent me all those flowers? I wanted to know. It didn't matter what he might tell me, I was here until he told me to leave, but I just wanted to hear him say it.

Then as the days went by, I felt like such a moron, because it was there. I was so caught up in the whirlwind of the whole situation that I didn't take the time to notice. The love he had for me, it was right there all along. The way he stared at me from across a room, the longing that his eyes emitted, I could feel it in the core of my bones. The way his breath would sometimes hitch when I walked into a room, and how it seemed as though for a split-second, all was forgotten but him and me. The palpable tension that filled the silence between us – it spoke volumes, loudly. Like the small smile that played on his lips as I interacted with Ethan, I could actually see how content he was. So I took those small confirmations of his affection and I built upon them.

I returned his gazes with ones of my own. I prayed that he could feel it, just like I had. He had to know what he meant to me. The tranquility between us danced with sparks, and the silence between us voiced the words of love that our mouths couldn't express.

He loved me. I loved him. We would find a way.

~*X*~

Then Edward had one of his not-so-good days. He'd been quiet most of the day and kept to himself. I'd fallen asleep in Ethan's bed as I read to him. I got up with the intention of joining Edward in his bed for the night. There was something about innocently lying with him that was better than any sleeping aid money could buy. But I noticed Edward's door was wide open and his bed was empty. I ventured through the house to find him.

In the kitchen, I saw that the double doors to the backyard were cracked open. Edward had to be out there.

As I walked outside, the night air was still warm, the breeze lightly blew my night shirt and tickled my legs. Spring was in full season and summer was not too far behind. I walked toward the flower garden and stopped dead still when I saw Edward reclining on a blanket. His arms were behind him and his head fell back as he gazed at the dark sky.

I made a noise as I approached him so not to startle him. He looked in my direction and gave me a sad smile.

"Can't sleep?" I asked as I kneeled on the blanket beside his stretched out legs, facing him.

"No. Sorry did I wake you earlier?"

"No, you didn't. I just got up to join my snuggle partner and he was missing from his bed."

Edward quickly exhaled from his nose and leaned forward, laying his hands in his lap. "It's hard sometimes being in this house, you know? I mean, my mother, she's everywhere. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is I need to go tell Mom something, and then I remember that she's…gone. It hits me like a slap in the face."

He paused and bit his bottom lip. "When I was young, she used to tell me that stars were peepholes in the floor of Heaven. The light that shone from those holes, that's how bright Heaven is. And everyone who was up there, they still wanted to watch over their loved ones. It didn't matter that Heaven was so grand and so beautiful, they still missed the ones they left behind."

His voice cracked slightly as he continued, "So I came out here to find the brightest star I could, and that would be Esme. I imagine her there, lying on the floor of Heaven, her arms crossed. Her head resting on her wrists. Her feet swinging back and forth. And I talk to her. I just talk and talk. Is that crazy?"

I shook my head and scooted closer to him.

He looked down at his hands. "I know that my emotions are all fucked because of the...accident. Everything is so, so intense – the joy, the sadness, all... all of it. And then there's you Bella. You deserve so much more than...this." He practically spat as he waved his hand all around gesturing to himself.

"No, no, no, Edward, don't you dare. Don't you give up on this. Not on us." I shook my head and reached for his hands that were now pulling at his hair. I took both his hands in mine and with his head still down, looking away from me, I straddled his lap. I let his hands drop as I placed my palms on his face to bring his eyes to mine. I felt wetness from his tears on his cheeks.

"Look at me. What we share, or the way I feel about you at least, it's what fairy tales are written about. This," I leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips, "this comes along once in a lifetime." I ever so softly kissed him again and grinned as I remembered a quote I'd read. "Edward," our lips still barely touching, "I... I love you. I love you with the breath, the smiles, and the tears of all my life. With everything."

He exhaled against my lips and his hands were quickly on my neck, his thumbs caressing my face. "I love you too Bella, I'm sorry tha.."

I quickly cut off his apology with my lips. He had nothing to be sorry for.

Then it happened, my fire spread. His flame suddenly glowed iridescently. Edward's hands moved under my cotton night shirt, feeling the bare skin of my sides. I too shoved my hands up underneath his shirt and hastily tugged for him to pull it off. We broke the kiss long enough to strip our tops, then skin on skin – we connected. Our kiss was nothing now but pure passion and want. Love. His mouth was all over my neck making his way down to the swell of my bare breasts. The thought of 'more' Edward spoke of so long ago came into my mind and I wanted it.

_More._

I fingered his hair as his mouth pleased me. He sucked and gently nipped on my nipples, this had been such a long time coming. It was almost too much. Almost.

Soon I was grinding into him as I licked at his jaw that had been taunting me for months. I circled his outer lobe and he groaned into my hair. His hands were kneading my ass and pulling me in harder to press against him. Then one of his hands, he found the center of my inferno covered by thin satin and gave me much more friction than I could handle. I felt the build-up knotting low in my gut and I tore my mouth away from him long enough to try and pull his pajama bottoms down. I wanted to feel him inside me. It was time for us to unite the only way we had denied ourselves.

It was practically impossible since I was sitting in his lap, but he shifted his hips enough for me to scoot down and drag them past his knees. Then, I deliberately moved in slow-motion, positioning myself above him. Our chests were heaving as we tried to catch our breath. Our eyes were locked, my hands on his chest, his under the back side of my ass.

"I love you Bella," he whispered as he kissed me again. I slid down on him, and he filled me as no one had before. And in that moment, if I wasn't so damn lost in my lust for this man, I might have cried because it was perfection.

Perfect in the way we lavished each other with our mouths. Perfect in the way my body molded to him, it was an absolute fit. Perfect in the way we moved together, an intense dance of wantonness and hunger. Perfect in the song of our worship of one another. Perfect in the love we shared, now and forever. Just perfect.

It was craving. It was longing. It was yearning. It was an ache, that only we could alleviate – together.

~*X*~

The next morning after I blissfully slept in Edward's arms, in his bed I might add, I awoke to the smell of bacon and the chatter of Edward and Ethan in the kitchen.

"Good morning guys." I smiled as I made my way to the freshly brewed coffee.

"Lala, Dad-dee cook! See?" Ethan giggled as he sat at the table. Thankfully the older he became, the broader his appetite was.

"Morning brown eyes." Edward said as he wiggled his eyebrows. _Maybe a proper lay was all he needed because someone was in a good mood today! Woot! _

I sat my coffee cup down and turned to rest my hip on the counter. Before I knew it, Edward had his hands on my waist setting me up on the cool granite. He was in between my legs and pebbling my neck with small kisses, "I wanna take you somewhere today, okay?" He leaned back enough to be able to search my eyes for my answer.

_Psht, like he had to ask._ "Sure."

I looked around him at Ethan eating at the table, his back was to us. "Will you tell me where we're going?"

"Nope," he eagerly answered. "All you need to know is that Ethan's staying with Mrs. Cope. Just...dress casually, and we're going to drive my father's convertible, so you may want to pull your hair back. Be ready in about an hour."

"It's a date then?" I asked as I tilted up my coffee to get a sip.

Edward looked at me and winked. "Yeah, I guess it is."

_**~*X*~**_

_Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, _

_we shall harness for God the energies of love, _

_and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. _

_~Pierre Teilhard de Chardin_

_**~*X*~**_

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**Only 1 chapter & epi left. I hope I wasn't totes out in left field about the TBI, thank you to those who offered up your experiences. I was worried about writing the 'awakening,' so I just went for the vague approach. **


	16. Ch 16, Happily Ever Now

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**Beta'd by Becky, Pre read by Fragile. Thank you both big ol' bunches!**

**Just know, posting this chapter was a very hard decision for me. If I didn't go ahead & "Just Do It" I never would have. I've been just sitting and staring at this in my Google Docs. It has been mocking and laughing at me for being the coward that I am.**

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**~*X*~**

_We loved with a love that was more than love._

_~Edgar Allan Poe _

**~*X*~**

"You want me to drive?" I asked as I slid into the cool leather in the front seat of Carlisle's '67 Ford Mustang.

"Yeah, you can drive a stick right?" Edward asked.

"Um, it's been a while but I think I can manage." I inspected the interior of the classic car. I felt a pang of guilt because I obviously didn't appreciate the classics like other people. Edward, for example, all but caressed the car as he walked around it, trailing his pointer finger down the side, even kneeling down and patting the tires.

He took a deep breath as he stood outside the passenger side door. He nodded his head as he looked the car over again, glancing side to side. "This was the car Dad courted mother in, all their dates..." he trailed off as he opened the door and slowly sat down. He continued to admire the car from the inside, touching the dashboard. "He even proposed sitting right there." He reached behind me and patted my head rest before leaning forward and gently kissing my lips.

"Wow," I panted. He continued to leave me breathless. Clearly this car meant more to him than just a prized possession, and that made me very nervous. "Are... you sure it's okay if I drive? I mean, I would feel terrible if..."

"Bella, it's fine. We're not going far." He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Crank 'er-up baby."

As I drove down the winding roads that lead us into Forks, Edward continued to reminisce. He told me about the times they'd drive 'the pony car' as he called it as a child; to the ocean, the drive-in, even the grocery store. At times I could barely hear him over the roar of the engine and the wind that swirled around us through the open top.

"Some days when the weather was nice, we'd just go for a leisurely drive. No radio, no talking, just us cruising around with no destination. One time, Mom all of a sudden announced she wanted a soft serve ice cream cone. Dad drove for three hours looking for the nearest place that served her favorite dessert. She changed her mind after about two hours of driving and begged him to turn around and go home." Edward paused. He must have been letting the memory play though his mind like a silent black and white film.

"I remember he slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road and asked her if she wanted ice cream or not. He was so aggravated, but see, he'd stopped the car in this small canyon and his voice, it echoed off the rock walls. We all laughed so hard at him our stomachs cramped. I can still hear us laughing like that. After Mom caught her breath, she said yes, that she definitely wanted ice cream. And he told her, 'then you shall have ice cream,' and we drove and drove until we finally found it."

I glanced at him through the corner of my eyes.

Edward's smile fell from his face and he licked his lips before looking at me. "I didn't get it then, Bella. I mean, I never really understood why he'd go through all that trouble just looking for ice cream. But...but I get it now."

Edward took a deep breath and I had to concentrate on the road because at this point, I really wanted to just pull over and take his face in my hands. I wanted to kiss him like mad and let him whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I wanted to tell him I got it too. I knew exactly what he meant. Anything for the one you love. Anything.

He was finally opening up to me and for some reason, I felt like this was it. Today was the day I'd been waiting for; words would be spoken, feelings would be declared, maybe even boundaries drawn. But tonight, hopefully when I lay my head on his chest, I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt, how he feels about me – about us.

Edward reached over and rested his fingers on the bare skin of my neck but he said no more.

~*X*~

"It'd make this easier if you'd just tell me where we're going, Edward." He was being so elusive. 'Turn left, turn right, go straight.'

"There is a reason it's called a surprise Bella," he mocked me, "How about you just park at the fountain and we'll walk? The weather's perfect."

"The fountain? Um, okay. You really want to walk? Are you up for that?"

"Bella..." he growled at me. "I assure you, my legs are fine. I hit my head and anyway, my balance is practically back to normal. And I want to walk while I hold your hand. Is that all right?"

Hiding my smile, I pursed my lips as I pulled into an empty parking spot. I shook my head, trying to act nonchalant as I threw my hands up, "I guess."

We walked the streets of Forks, hand in hand, sometimes leaning into each other. We shared memories and laughed, pointed out landmarks of our youth and everything just felt so...right? The pessimist in me was perched on my shoulder and whispering in my ear saying, _'this is too good to be true._' But I was ready to put up a fight, this was real and true and good. Perfect even.

Edward led me down a back street and it looked familiar, but with so many improvements that had been made on these historic buildings downtown, I just couldn't place this...place.

"You ready?" he asked as he fished out a key from his jeans pocket.

I nodded in excitement. Edward opened the steel door and as we stepped through, and a recognizable fragrance washed over me. My mind was immediately flooded with so many memories. I gasped and looked at Edward.

"Surprise," he said with a huge smile on his face. I was pleasantly... surprised for sure, but what in the world were we doing here, unless he...

"Why are we here? I'm confused." I half-laughed as I headed down the back hall. I trailed my fingers along the wall and paused at each door and read the name plates aloud. "Wardrobe." "Make up." "Props." "Meeting Room." "Director's Office." "Green Room."

I stopped when we entered the big double doors that opened up to backstage. I turned and looked at Edward, and he had both hands stuck in his pockets and looked at me in...wonder?

"Go on," he encouraged me. I ran up the steps and around the mess of props setting around. My steps wavered as I reached center stage.

The curtains were drawn and standing behind the heavy red velvet brought back so many memories. Performing at Fork's Little Theater during high school were some of the best times of my life. Back then when I was on that stage, I wasn't boring or shy, a nobody. I was Isabella and I was important and I...mattered.

I started to tear up, so I squeezed my eyes tight and let my own memories play through my thoughts. I took a deep breath and stepped through the curtains. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the theater. It still looked the same from up here. I started to do a quick little dance across the stage that came back to me so easily.

When I dropped to my knees at the end, Edward clapped his hands and whistled from the front row. "Encore."

"Hush it!" I stood up, completely embarrassed.

"What are we doing here, Edward? How did… how did you know?" I asked him as I walked the perimeter of the stage. He'd never mentioned that he knew I used to be a member of the cast of FLT.

He held up one finger, "Wait." He went to the right center of the stage, turned down the aisle and sat down in the end seat. He pulled a ball cap from underneath the seat and put it on his head.

"Does this look familiar?" he asked as he pulled the cap as far down on his head as it would fit and slumped down in the seat. He crossed his arms and stretched his feet out in front of him.

"Oh my...You? You were hat boy Edward?"

Edward looked up at me from underneath his hat. "Hat boy?" He laughed. "Yeah. Yeah, I was. Can I explain?"

I was sure I was gaping at him as if he just zipped off his face, but I was thoroughly confused. I remember that there was this guy that Jessica and I had dubbed 'hat boy'. He was at every performance and we never could see his face. Before and after the show started, while the lights were bright, he hid under his ball cap. Then when we were on stage the lighting blinded you so much that as he watched the show, we couldn't make out his features. And that was...Edward?

"Please do." I sat down on the edge of the stage as Edward approached me with caution. He took a seat in the front row directly in front of me and blew out a steady breath.

"Um. Well. See. My mother was one of this theater's biggest supporters. She had this family season pass or something. She had it in her head that my father and I were going to come and we were going to enjoy it. I didn't want to. I mean, hell, all I wanted was to chill-out with my homies," he joked.

His smile was contagious.

"I was only fourteen, it was a couple of weeks before school started. Eighth grade I think, and the show was 'Grease'." He continued.

Edward leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his smile faded. He looked up at me and my heart hammered against my breast bone. Funny how just his expression could alter me so.

"I practically slept through the first few acts. Then my mom nudged me and pointed to this brown-haired girl on stage that she swore I went to school with. Right then...I instantly became a fan of the performing arts." He smirked and looked back down at his hands.

"Her name was Isabella Swan and she was beautiful. Regretfully, I didn't remember her from school. I watched Grease fourteen times that summer before the theater's fall hiatus. I was ...spellbound by her. She didn't even know who I was and I was too chicken shit to approach her at school. I thought we were such polar opposites."

As he spoke, I was shocked. I heard what he said but it just didn't register with me. I just couldn't wrap my brain around what he was saying.

"So, I kept my distance. I all but stalked her at school. Soon, I became a jock and...ran with the popular crowd and she...didn't and I just continued to admire her from afar. Once during a Freshman assembly, she actually spoke to me and I was ecstatic for days."

I felt the tears sting my eyes. "I remember," I whispered. I could still see him sitting behind me on the bleachers. The way he sincerely apologized for bumping into my back. The way I couldn't breathe because Edward-Hunk-Extraordinaire-Cullen was touching my shoulder. How embarrassed I was for getting so worked up because he spoke to me. I wanted to melt into the bleachers and die.

Edward rose from the seat and stood in front of me. His thumb wiped away the tears as soon as they rolled down my cheeks.

"I never missed any of your performances, Bella. Not until..." He closed for eyes briefly. "I loved to watch you on this stage. Any stage. And I was so conflicted. I mean, I told you there was another side of me in high school that no one but my family knew. There was the person who enjoyed being the "IT" guy, he liked being looked up too and sat on a pedestal. The guy who cared too much about what his friends thought of him. But there was another side of that boy that admired an innocent... Graceful... Delicate swan."

I closed my eyes. I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel about this. He cared about me then?

"Bella, look at me. Junior year, you were Juliet. You were magnificent, by the way." He smiled a heart warming smile and I didn't think it mattered what he was going to say.

"And right then I knew I wanted to get to know you. I'd never felt that way before. I even used to think of you as 'My Swan,' and everything about you just...drew me in. I decided I didn't care about all the high school politics anymore. I just wanted you. I went to school and had every intention of talking to you. But instead I saw you in Newton's arms and it...broke my heart."

The tears were now streaming slow but steady down my face. How on this earth could Edward Cullen want me in high school and I never knew? Was fate really that cruel?

"That's where my problem lies, Baby. I let you go. I knew he cheated on you even then. I didn't do anything about it. I...I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to be the bad guy. I hoped you'd find out on your own. And now, knowing what you've been through…" his voice was panicked and riddled with guilt.

Edward shook his head and tried to turn to walk away from me.

"No, Edward." I reached for him and tugged him to stand in front of me, his hands still on his hips.

"Bella...didn't you hear me? I possibly could have stopped it. Maybe if I'd said something, he wouldn't have hurt you so..." His voice faded into a whisper.

"Edward, it's not your fault. I would never blame you." I placed my hands on his sides under his arms, fisted his shirt and drew him closer to me.

"Don't blame yourself. Please. You have to understand that everything happens for a reason. Yeah, it would have been so awesome to have known you better back then. But, maybe we wouldn't have worked out. Just maybe, being so young, we might have drifted apart. Went our separate ways. And we wouldn't have this."

I wrapped my arms around his back and laid my face against his chest.

"It was all worth it, Edward. Every tear I cried, every time my heart broke. Every night I was lonely and depressed. It was just something I had to get through. I don't regret a single thing that happened to me because it all brought me to you. You and Ethan. Do you understand that? It brought me to you."

Edward nodded and I pulled away from him. I brought my hands up to one of my favorite places in the world, his handsome face. He had his own lazy tears that cascaded down his cheeks. I wiped them with my thumbs as I brought his lips toward mine.

"It was all worth it Edward. All of it. I'd do it again if it meant I ended up here, with you. You're worth it." I let my lips linger against his: slow, soft, loving, treasuring.

"I love you Edward Cullen."

"I love you too, Isabella Swan..._My Swa_n." His lips spoke against mine. "Always."

**~*X*~**

Sometimes in your life, you look to the sky and it was as if you'd forgotten how breathtaking it was. The storm clouds had lingered for so long that the beauty of the clear blue canvas had gotten lost in your memory. Maybe it was filed away beside the feel of your grandmother's soft skin or the fragrance of salt water at the ocean. Or the nervous excitement you experienced every Christmas morning knowing Santa had visited and left you something. It was one of those memories that once retrieved, it only took a fraction of a second to fill your soul with overwhelming emotion.

It really was a beautiful day in Forks. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I gazed above. I swear I don't recall ever seeing the sky so majestic before. The contrast of the soft wispy clouds against the blue backdrop, it was stunning and it was to be cherished. This was what inspires painters and photographers and poets. It was natural beauty at its finest, truly a gift from God. Ethan shifted beside me as he napped and his auburn hair tickled the inside of my arm. I sighed and gently kissed his forehead.

Edward was inside packing our things, insisting that I relax. We were going back to Seattle tomorrow. The three months we'd spent here in the Cullen Castle was nothing short of amazing. The hard times that accompanied Edward's healing were now few and far between. I often kidded around with him saying that if I'd had known all it took was a truck to get us together, I'd ran him over a long time ago.

And we would laugh about it, but we both knew it wasn't his fault it took us almost a year of being 'just friends' to get to where we were now. It was me. All me, and all because I was scared of one simply complex thing; love. Just like the awesome beauty of the sky, I had forgotten it was absolutely worth it. It was never a waste of time to stop and admire the wonder of the upper atmosphere and it was always, always worth it to fall head over heels in love.

Maybe my hesitation wasn't entirely my fault, because in all honesty, I really had never known love like this. Never. Our love was pure and solid. Real love. Our life wasn't perfect, but in a way...it was.

Once I'd let down my walls, Edward barged in and set up camp. I often wondered if he'd been there all along, rapping his knuckles against my self made exterior, waiting on a chance to enter into the guarded fortress of my heart.

I turned my head to look at the roses not too far in the distance. I think out of everything here in Forks, I'll miss them the most. The thorns were now my allies and the petals, my muse. Who knew you could improve your life just by changing the way you look at things because then, the things you look at change?

My love for Edward was expanding faster than the universe. My desire to be more to Ethan was kicking my maternal instincts into overdrive. Who knew what the future held for us?

I had come to realize that it was true. I didn't want to _almost_ be a mother and I didn't want to _almost_ be in love. I couldn't deny that I _almost _pushed Edward away and I _almost_ lost him forever. But every night when I closed my eyes, I said a prayer of thanks that _almost doesn't count. _

**~*X*~**

_True love stories never have endings._

_~Richard Bach _

**~*X*~**

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***Deep breath Stacy* I hesitated** **updating b/c I didn't want to let anyone down. My readers deserve the best and I afraid I may have not delivered that. But there is a reason for how this chapter went. **

**If you read H&HG, you already knew about Edward admiring her in high school. **

**Last, Thank you all so much for embarking on this journey with me. You all have gave me so much support and love, you encouraged me to go on w/your favs & alerts & reviews many a time when I thought I should give up & quit!**

**~Stacy**

**Twitter: Mrs_Robward**

**(I'm going to find that bunker that Snowqueens Icedragon hides in & finish drinking my chocolate milk, Laters Baby)**


	17. Epilogue Part 1, Forever

_***Sigh***_** The last top-of-the-page author's note for ADC **_**::sniff:: **_

**I had a bunch of ppl read one part or the other of this epilogue, Thank you all!**

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.**

**Special love to Becky, for spending her time with me and this fic for the longest. I lurve you gal!**

**I cried a few times with this fic: 1 was when I was swept away with your reviews, **

**2nd was when I was writing part 2 of this epilogue, **

**& just now - posting this. **

**And now...**

**Almost Doesn't Count Epilogue, Part 1: Forever**

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**~**V**~**

_"I believe that everything happens for a reason._ _People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."_

_~Marylin Monroe_

**~**V**~**

**_~Bella.._.**

I sat on the roof top and sipped my warm tea as the moon peeked out from behind a cloud. The air still smelled of the earlier storm that had rolled through Seattle, and every now and again the clouds would illuminate with a distant flash of lightening.

This wall-less space held so many memories for me. I raised my left hand up to allow the moonlight to sparkle off my engagement ring. It had been Esme's. So simple, yet so elegant. I didn't care how many carats it was, only that it had adorned the finger of a beautiful woman, one that Edward loved.

He'd proposed right here just a few short months ago. We lived as though we were already married anyway. I'd never gone to live with Rose after we returned from Forks, and before I knew it, weeks added up to months and months had became a year.

Mine and Edward's life just fell into place – us together, wound around each other. We'd not even spent a night apart. Yet soon enough, we'd make official.

_Bella Swan Cullen, I like it._

For once in my life there was nothing that I longed for. All my empty cracks had been filled. I was whole again, and this time I could recognize it because I knew - I knew what it was like to have lived in pieces.

~*X*~

_**~Edward...**_

My legs were weak as wet noodles as I stood outside of my childhood home in Forks, Emmett standing beside me. Jasper was next, and then my father, holding Ethan's hand as he fidgeted and pulled at his miniature bow tie. Carlisle finally picked him up and whispered something in his ear that made him giggle.

I looked around the flower garden and I thought Bella had done a wonderful job keeping it up. There was something about this place she loved with all her heart. Dad had hired a part time gardener to tend to it, but every chance she could she'd drive down here and pick and prune at the flowers. I'd already been looking for us our own home to buy because if she wanted a rose garden, I'd give her one. She was so easy to please.

I never imagined that my life would come to this, it was better than my wildest dreams. I had my own son and now today, Bella Swan would become my wife. There were only two times I could think of that I ever wanted to be with her – now and forever.

~*X*~

_**~Bella...**_

I opened the drawer of the night stand and pulled out my journal. Edward was...gone. I'd made him leave. I found a bunch of texts and...emails from some woman at the office. All my insecurities about infidelity flooded over me and it was all I could do to stand upright on my feet.

He swore to me it was not as it seemed. But I read them all, and I felt her lust for my husband in between her innocent little words. He may have been blind to it, but I wasn't.

If I wanted a man who cheated on me, my last name would still be Newton.

I collapsed on our bed in a heap of tears. I held the journal close to my chest as if my heart was trying to escape my body. I loved Edward with every fiber of my being. I wanted to believe him – oh so much. I wanted to trust that she was just a new partner of PIH and he was training her and showing her the ropes. But I'd been down this road before and no matter how much I loved him, regardless of how much he **was** my life, I had to stand up for myself. If I didn't, no one else would.

I propped myself up against the headboard and found the next blank page. I poured out my soul and told Edward everything, not leaving any minuscule feeling out. I wrote until my hand cramped.

Then I called Alice to see if she'd care to drop by for a minute to sit with Ethan while I went to talk to Edward. There was no way I'd be able to sleep tonight until I did.

~*X*~

_**~Edward...**_

As I stood over Bella in that hospital bed, my heart leapt into my throat. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg her to forgive me. If only she could hear me.

She was in a deep sleep, the morphine Dad had given her for her surgery for her broken arm had already knocked her out before I could even get there.

Why did she think she had to come in the rain and talk to me? Why couldn't she just wait until the morning when she wasn't so upset?

We'd just had a fight. She told me to leave, and I was so angry at her for not trusting me. But Charlotte – really?

I'll admit there were a few times that I felt maybe she was being overly friendly, but it was never on my part. Still, Charlotte had nothing on Bella. She had to know that, didn't she?

Bella was **the one**. The only woman I loved – had ever loved. I would apologize. I shouldn't have given Charlotte my private number and my email. I just never really thought much about it. Not the way that Bella did. But I understood now, because if she'd done the same thing, if she was assisting someone with an adoption and I thought she was overstepping her bounds, it'd tear me apart too.

And I knew cheating was such a sensitive subject for Bella. Mike had damaged her in such a way that I should have been more thoughtful in my reaction to her accusation.

Funny how our circumstances had come full circle. Watching her sleep, her arm in a cast, the IV slowly dripping into her vein, all I could do was let my tears fall. I couldn't imagine how she stayed so strong after my accident.

I mean, all she had was a broken arm, and from what I've been told, my life was touch and go for a while. How'd she do it? I just wanted to cradle her in my arms and make it all better.

Bella and Ethan were my everything. I needed them both for my survival. We would get through this – we had to – there was no other way.

~*X*~

_**~Bella...**_

Why was I so nervous? This beach house was like our second home, okay – our third, because second was Carlisle's house in Forks. But still, we came here all the time.

Maybe it was because this was our anniversary and I had a few things to share with Edward. We'd only been here once before without Ethan, and that was our honeymoon.

_Ahhh, what a honeymoon it was!_

I took a deep breath and honed in on the repetitive tide crashing into the sand.

_Come on Bella, this is Edward you're talking about. You love him more than life itself!_

Tomorrow it would be two years since we had professed our vows in the rose garden at his parents' home. In my opinion, if there was a photo beside the definition of a perfect wedding in the dictionary, it would have been ours. Small, uncomplicated, easy...perfect. Then again, I would have been satisfied running off to the courthouse to pay a visit to the Justice of the Peace, so I might not be the best judge either.

I slid open the double door and walked into the house. I cracked the bathroom door a tiny bit and peeked in on Edward. He was just stepping out of the shower. I giggled as I quietly pulled the door closed. That man could still make my girly parts do back flips.

I grabbed his gifts and went to sit outside on the small deck. There wasn't a cloud in the sky today. The air was warm and the breeze was gentle. The ocean was the clearest color and I squinted as I looked out at the horizon. I huffed in frustration because I didn't have any binoculars, and I was pretty positive that there were a couple of dolphins in the distance jumping up out of the water.

"What is it?" Edward asked startling me as he approached from behind. He placed his hands on my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.

I pointed, "I think there's a pair of dolphins out there, I just can't really tell." I cupped my fingers above my eyes, but it didn't help.

"What is all this?" Edward asked as he rounded the table motioning to the two gifts before he sat down.

"Your gifts. From me."

"Well, let me go get yo-," he stood to leave and I grabbed a hold of his hand.

"Please not yet. You just open these and later we can get to mine. We don't have to exchange gifts at the same time."

"But..."He began to protest.

"No, really. Let me just have my moment with you, alright?"

He pouted but sat back down. "Sure Baby, whatever you say. Which do I open first?"

He was trying not to smile, but even if it stayed hidden from his lips, I could see it in his eyes.

"Normally, I'd say open the small one first, but let's go against the grain and save it for last."

He laughed and picked up the square box wrapped in blue and opened it.

He pulled the leather clad journal out and glanced at me in confusion.

"Is this... the one I gave you, what...years ago?"

"Yes it is." I answered as he began to thumb through the pages filled with my messy hand writing.

"What I figure is that every word I've written in there...is for you. Things I wanted to say but couldn't for some reason. And since it was written for you, you should be able to read it whenever you want."

"Bella–,"

"No, listen. I want you to read it. If you ever doubt how I feel, or forget what we've been through, or wonder what I was thinking at a particular time, well? Maybe I wrote it down for you. You can pull this out and read about it. And I'd like to keep adding to it too. So if you could leave it out somewhere, there are still some empty pages at the end," I nervously laughed.

Edward placed the journal down and looked at me with his head tilted down. "Come here," he motioned for me to come and sit on his lap.

I exhaled as the comfort of his body embraced mine. "How do you do it? How do you open up the confines of my soul, dig around for a piece of me, and then wrap it up all pretty and hand it back to me. Everything you give me is always so perfect. It's somehow an extension of you. An integral part of...us. It's amazing. I love you so much, Bella."

His arms wound around me, I nuzzled his neck and smiled, knowing how much my second gift would really make his day.

"I love you too. Now open this one." I tucked my lips together under my teeth so my smile would not break my face in half.

He slowly removed the taped yellow paper and laid it on the table. I wanted to fuss at him to hurry up but I didn't, even though the anticipation was killing me!

He lifted the lid and piece by piece he pulled back the thin tissue paper. I found myself leaning forward and trying to peek inside the small rectangle box and I already knew what was in it!

His hands froze as he pulled away the last folded piece of paper.

"Bella?" he said aloud but his voice cut out.

I turned in his lap to whisper in his ear, "It says 'positive'."

"Bella?" His voice was louder now. "You're not shittin' me, are you?"

I slowly shook my head.

Suddenly, he jumped up with the pregnancy test still in his hand and spun us around with his arms wrapped around me. Then he quickly put me down and murmured, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He dropped to his knees and kissed my stomach over and over. I ran my fingers through his hair and held his head close to my belly.

He looked up at me and his eyes sparkled with tears as they pooled against his green irises. "Really?" He whispered in awe.

"Yes," I nodded my head, trying not to cry, "but just barely."

~*X*~

_**~Carlisle...**_

Baby Lillie Grace's cries faded to a whine as they wrapped her up in a pink blanket and handed her to her mother. Edward was standing over Bella, his face reflecting the pure joy he was experiencing. Bella handed him the small, pink bundle and he cradled her close to his body with the protection of a father lion.

This had been a long time coming for these two kids. Fourteen months ago Bella miscarried again, and she'd all but given up, finally believing what the doctor had told her years ago; she'd never be able to have one of her own. She told me that losing two babies in a lifetime was enough for her, and she couldn't fathom trying again. Truth be told, she and Edward would be quite content with Ethan being their only child.

After her last miscarriage, she asked me to refer her to a specialist for her inconsistent menstrual cycles. I gave her the name of one of my colleagues and left it at that. Come to find out she got busy at work and didn't go see her until many months later. During her visit she received some news that was hard for her to believe. She was almost twenty weeks pregnant - the critical months already behind her. She was put on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy, just to ensure she could carry to term. I insisted she, Edward, and Ethan come stay with me at the house. Bella had no business traipsing up and down those steps at their apartment. Edward felt bad that he had yet to buy them a home, but life had just gotten too busy.

"Pops, did you see? Did you see? Lillie's here." Ethan said as he tugged on my hand and then sat down on my lap. Mrs. Cope had just brought him back to the room now that the delivery was over.

"Yes Ethan. Isn't she beautiful?" I asked. Even though he was almost too big I picked him up and we joined everyone at her bedside.

"Pops, she is. She's pretty like Mama," Ethan answered.

Bella must have heard him because she looked up at Ethan and winked. "Ethan why don't you sit here with me on the bed so that Daddy can let Pop's hold Lillie for a minute."

And I don't know what it was about holding that little baby girl. Maybe it was that I saw some of Esme in her cute pudgy nose, or maybe it was that I was reminded how long it had been since the boys were this small. But I do know that as I had wondered how I could love another so much, my heart already so full – this tiny miracle crawled inside my soul and my spirit overflowed with tears of happiness.

I knew right then and there, the decision I was about to make was the right one.

I held her up to my face and kissed her small forehead. "Your Meme sure would have loved to meet you. She would have spoiled you rotten," I whispered into her ear.

I handed her back to Bella and Ethan, cuddled in the bed, Bella promising to help Ethan hold her.

"Son, may I see you outside for a moment?" I motioned for Edward to join me in the hall.

"Sure Dad, what is it?" he asked as he closed the door softly.

"I have a gift for you and your family." I handed him the envelope.

"What is it?" He inspected and turned over the manila envelope.

"It goes with this," and I handed him my key.

"What.. .I don't know what this goes to." He said confused.

"It's the key and the deed to the house Son. I want you and your family to have it and live there. I've already discussed it with Emmett and Rose and they agreed. It's yours. Free and clear. Just... make your mother proud. I don't know if you and Bella really want to live in Forks, bu-"

I was cut off by Edward's strong arms embracing me. "Oh my God, Dad." he choked. "Bella will be so happy. Of course we'd love to live there. Are you going stay with us?"

He still had not let go of me and his voice was muffled from his face buried in my shoulder.

I put my hands on his forearms and pulled him back so I could look at his face. "No," I chuckled, "I'm not going to live with you and Bella. I've already bought a small place in Forks to move into by myself."

"Thank you so much Dad. I think you should break the news to her. It will mean more coming from you."

I agreed and followed him into the room. Esme would want this. I wanted this. Our home would forever be filled with laughter and love. Exactly as we wanted it to be.

~*X*~

_**~Bella...**_

We filed into the stuffy gymnasium of Forks High School as Ethan stood at the head of his class waiting to give his speech as valedictorian. Lillie Grace was on one side of me popping her gum and checking her hair for split ends. Edward was on the other side, wiping the tears off his face. He was such a softy. I reached for his hand and held it in mine.

"Congrats Daddy," I whispered in his ear. We all sat down as the introductions began.

Ethan looked so handsome up there. We were so proud of him. To know that when he was young he had developmental problems was incomprehensible. Learning to him was like a light switch. Once we finally turned it on, his glow never went out.

I saw him look back at his girlfriend, Ava, and wink. He was just as charming as his father, maybe even more so.

I guess in a way, I owed it all to Ethan. He was the string that had brought Edward and me together, and then like a sailor's knot, we were tied together for life.

The crowd hushed as Ethan took the podium. He smiled and cleared his throat before he began. "C.S. Lewis once said, This moment... contains all moments..."

~*X*~

_**~Ethan...**_

"Mother, would you please just listen to me? This is for a very prestigious Seattle magazine. They want to run an editorial on you and father. It's really informal, but it will highlight all of your accomplishments. It really is something to be proud of and take seriously." She was on her knees in the garden pulling weeds.

"Ethan, you know how I feel about this kind of thing. Why don't you handle it all by yourself? You can explain it better than I can anyway and your father, he's busy."

"What about pictures? They're going to want some recent and older pictures of the both of you and the house and even the center and everything."

"Ethan, you set it up. I'll tell you what you need to know and I trust you to pick the pictures that are the best. Okay Sweetie?"

Mom stood up and walked over to me. She patted my shoulder, "Now give me a hug." I stood up off the swing and gently wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Now either get busy and help me prune these bushes or leave me alone and let me do it."

"Yes ma'am," I saluted her and she laughed as she went back to her favorite hobby.

I stepped back into the house and walked into the office. I sat down on the floor in front of the safe and opened the combination. I pulled out the first box of pictures and began to look at them one by one. I laid out a few that I thought Washington Life Magazine might be able to use.

Dad still worked with PIH stateside at the United States Headquarters, and Mom was always keeping busy. They'd bought the dilapidated theater in downtown Forks after the previous owner had let it go and almost lost it in bankruptcy. Mom was like a kid in a candy store. She spent a lot of her time remodeling the theater and getting it up and running. She finally hired a solid staff that she trusted to take over. Mom continued to work at Whitlock & Associates handling adoptions, but I overheard her confess to Dad that she felt like something was missing.

Six months later she opened The Esme Foundation. It was a non profit agency with different departments. Mom over looked the adoption department, helping under privileged families know their rights on both sides of the fence. There was also a department for battered women, aiding them in security and home placement. There was a lifeline system for families of cancer patients, and a support group for women after miscarriages. Mom was working on opening other departments too as time progressed. It all boiled down to that she just wanted to help others. She chalked it up to her past saying that there was a time in her life she could have used support for whatever the reason. So if she could be that one to provide what they needed, then she was content.

~*X*~

_**~Bella...**_

I cuddled up into Edward's side and sighed a breath of peace. Our house was quiet and still. The only noise was Edward's steady snoring and the occasional cricket. All the family had joined us today for our yearly gathering at Esme and Carlisle's grave site. It didn't matter how many years it had been, anytime I visited them, it felt as though it was just yesterday we'd been introduced. We all met at their headstones and said a few prayers of thanks and blessings and then replaced their flowers.

Our traditions were important, and our memories were to be shared. Carlisle and Esme were very much a part of our life, whether they were here in physical body or not, and as far as I was concerned, it would be that way forever.

~*X*~

_**~Edward...**_

I awoke earlier than usual this morning, just as the sun was rising. I stood at the foot of the bed and watched as Bella slept. The sun was filtering in through the window and dancing off the silver in her hair. She was such a beautiful woman, and age had only magnified her exquisiteness. Our years together were nothing short of perfection.

I often worried about losing her, and being left here without her was unfathomable. As far as I was concerned, the sun rose and set in her soul, so without her – my love, my world would be forever dark.

She began to roll over and as quick as my feet would take me, I reached the side of the bed and joined her. I pulled her into my arms and held her with my feeble hands. I whispered into her hair how much I loved her, well the best I could translate into words anyway. I just needed her to know, that if we were to be separated someday soon – by circumstances or by death - that she had made my life perfect and blissful, and I would no doubt, die a happy man.

**~**V**~**

"_Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship._

_You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. _

_Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. _

_And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with." _

_~Gillian Anderson_

**~**V**~**


	18. Epilogue Part 2, The Rest of Forever

**~**V**~**

_Love is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity._

_~ Helen Hayes_

**~**V**~**

_(tissue warning, proceed with caution)_

_**~Ethan...**_

I rolled down my window as I headed out of Seattle. I turned up the music and tried to drown out the collection of thoughts that had caused an uneasy feeling to settle into the pit of my stomach. Today was my parents anniversary. This holiday for years was one that we sometimes celebrated for days at a stretch. Yet the past four years had no doubt become the worst. They were the kind of days that when you woke up, you wished that you could just close your eyes and forget, or even pretend that this day really did hold no significance at all and just go about your usual routine.

I suppose I could find some comfort knowing that my mother doesn't remember what today was. Her mind had slowly erased all her memories. Her early diagnosis of dementia had been changed to Alzheimer's, and with that in some twisted way, maybe she had finally found peace.

Four and half years ago, my father passed away in his sleep. The autopsy showed he died of an aneurism, likely caused from his brain injury years ago. He showed no signs before hand and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. He and my mother were to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary that year. The party plans had already begun. Yet at that second when his last breath left him, whether he realized it not, mother's spirit escaped also.

His death tore her apart. I can't image the pain she felt. Even though I loved him too, I was able to pick up the pieces of my grief-stricken heart and move on. I was sad, always missing him, but able to find peace. I had my own family now to care after. I loved my Ava with every fiber of my being and I couldn't imagine living without her.

But more than anything, I knew there was a bond between my parents, one that death could not even conquer because even though Mom was alive, she wasn't living. Her soul was out there somewhere with my father and they were just standing by, waiting on her weakening body to follow suit.

The first year being without him, mother tried so hard. She spent more time with her grandchildren, with me and Ava, with Lillie Grace and her husband, Rick. It was evident though, the life that used to sparkle in the depth of her eyes had faded away to nothingness. Her scarce smile looked unnatural. Her face revealed the painful feelings of her heart that she had never spoken aloud. She missed him so much. Too much.

The doctors changed her medication, trying to lift her depression, but at that point it was a lost cause. She longed for him even after death. One night, in her bedroom, I found her sobbing on the floor. She confessed she would rather be laid beside him cold in the ground, than away from him as she was now.

We decided it would be best for my mother to move from the old home she loved so much. Maybe it was wrong of us, maybe she wouldn't have faded so quickly if we would have let her stay. But it was hard for me to believe that being there without him wasn't making her hurt worse. As much as I hated to, we tricked her into thinking that we were having repairs done to the house and moved her into a retirement home. I came to realize that she knew what we were up to, but she had no fight left in her.

My mother's physical body continued to be strong as her mind deteriorated. Over the next few years, she began to forget one thing after another, the disease robbing her of anything she was left holding onto. I knew - we all knew - it wouldn't be long until she was finally reunited with Dad. She was now at her weakest point. Not always remembering how to swallow or even chew her food, not recognizing when she needed to go to the bathroom to relieve herself, and she had long forgotten who any of us even were.

So for her, today would be like any other day, if she even knew the difference between morning and night. I would try so very hard, to find peace in that. Today was her and Dad's anniversary and I wanted to celebrate with her one last time the never-ending love they shared.

I parked in an empty space farthest away from the building. Even though every other Thursday I made this drive to visit her, this trip was the hardest. I laid my hand down on the worn out leather bound journal and closed my eyes. I fought back the sting of tears and tried to swallow the lump that had ballooned in my throat. "Dad, I know you can hear me. I...I need your help. See, Mom-she's really in a bad way and she...misses you so. I don't know if it's that she can't let go of this world...or that she won't." I could no longer fight back the tears as I spoke quietly.

"She should, because as much as I don't want her to go, she really should. I hate seeing her like this. So help me Dad. Help me have the courage to go in there and be strong. Stand by me and give me support to read to her once again, maybe even the last time, and then say goodbye. Help me convince her. And it would be nice if...if you could pull some strings up there. She doesn't belong here. Not without you. She's suffered enough. So Dad, help me, it's time."

~*X*~

I stood at the front counter waiting to sign in and a young nurse I had never seen before kept looking me over. I'm sure she was trying to figure out who I was. "I'm sorry, sir, what did you say your name was again?"

"Ethan Cullen, ma'am."

I saw her pupils dilate as my identity registered with her.

"Um, did you say Ethan Cullen, as in the famous author, Ethan? Cullen?"

"Yes ma'am, the one and only." I laid the battered journal on the counter top and she handed me the clip board. Her eyes danced from my face to the journal and back again.

"Ohmygosh, I just have to ask. Is that THE journal? The original one?" She pointed.

I sometimes forgot how popular and loved their story had become since I had published it a few years back.

"Yes," I glanced down at her name tag, "Sheila. This is it. All tattered and torn. Would you like to look inside? Maybe see their personal hand writing?"

I noticed her hands were slightly shaking as she reached up to barely skim the leather exterior. "I'm sorry Mr. Cullen, I don't want to intrude and fan girl over this, but I feel like crying right now."

She covered her mouth with her fingers and I opened up to one of the many prayer journal entries my father wrote. "This is one of Dad's-er, Edward's." I showed her his elegant script, and I even pointed out some of the tear drops that had left smudge marks over the years. Then I flipped toward the back, "And this is my mother's. She used it as a way to talk to my father without having to speak to him directly, more than she ever used it as a journal. She always left it out for him to read later though," I smiled sincerely.

"Mr. Cullen, I feel like a lil' tot who just saw a magic trick for the first time. My heart's going crazy." Sheila announced and her giddiness echoed in her voice.

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it." I closed the book and waited.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Who did you say you were here to see again? I got all flustered."

"My mother, Bella Cullen."

All the color drained from her face as she put two and two together.

"Did you say Mrs. Cullen. She's...your mother? So Mrs. Cullen is THE BELLA?" Her eyes teared up and she slowly sat down in her rolling chair. "I...I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. It's something we have come to terms with. But today is her and my father's anniversary, and I'm here to read to her." I patted the journal and it was difficult to speak the words out loud.

"Of course Mr. Cullen. She deserves so much more. Her and your father's story, it has touched many a heart. Kinda made us saps believe in fairy tale love all over again. God Bless her soul." She stepped out from behind the counter. "Follow me Mr. Cullen." She pushed the silver button that hung on the wall and the double doors automatically opened.

We walked in silence. She stopped and turned to me when we reached my mother's hall. "Would it be all right if I grabbed my copy of 'Almost Doesn't Count' out of my car and got your autograph before you leave? I mean if it's too intrusive, please just say so."

"No, it would be my pleasure to sign your book, but, um...on one condition."

"Yes Mr. Cullen?"

"Would you please respect my mother's privacy? I'd rather not anyone know her whereabouts, and she's not really in any condition for visitors, you know? Not that she would understand, but she doesn't even know that I had the journals compiled and published..." I wasn't sure if anyone would bother her, but with talk of a movie based on the journals in the distant future we had no idea what some people would do.

"You have my word, Mr. Cullen."

Sheila gently knocked on mother's door, and when there was no answer, she slowly opened it. "Mrs. Cullen? Mrs. Cullen, you have a visitor." Sheila glanced at me, I shook my head and whispered, "I'm just here to read..." and pointed to my mother.

"Mrs. Cullen you have a visitor who would like to read you a story. Isn't that wonderful?" She approached my mother's still form in the wheelchair. Sheila bent down eye level and tucked a piece of thin, gray hair back behind Mom's ear. "Good afternoon Mrs. Cullen. Someone special is here to see you."

Mom stared into Sheila's eyes and patted her hand. Sheila stood and my mother's eyes went back to the window.

"Let me know if you need anything Mr. Cullen. I'll be back at the front desk, and you can use the in-room call button if you need to." She smiled a sad smile at me and then walked away.

I sat down in the chair in front of my mother and just took her in. No matter how many days it was in between our visits, this never got any easier.

"Hello Bella...Mrs. Cullen," I spoke. On reading days it was easier for me to not regard her as my mother. Part of me didn't believe that was my mother sitting there. This person before me was just a shell of her former self.

"I have a story that I'd like to read to you, if that's okay? You have time right? Nothing big planned for today?"

She looked at me and she was blank. No emotion, no recognition, nothing. She opened her mouth and faintly whispered, "Hello." .

"Hi, Mrs. Cullen. My name is Ethan."

I randomly flipped to one of my Dad's journal entries and began to read it aloud. Page after page, I spoke my father's words that once held so much meaning to her. I held back the tears that would sometimes blur my vision and often I paused and took a deep breath.

Her eyes sometimes watched me as I read, and then her vision would drift back over to the window. Curiosity got the better of me, and with the book open in my palms, I went to stand behind her. I looked out the window and upon seeing the red rose bush right outside, I smiled. And my smile, it reached the warmth and depth of my soul.

I quickly flipped through the old pages. Some were ripped on the edges, others falling out after years of being fingered. I stopped on the one that held the time my mother wrote to my father about the roses. She compared her fears in her life to the thorns and carried on and on about how she faced them with a little help from my MeMe Esme.

As I read, I slowly walked around so I could look her in the face. I practically knew these words by heart, so I rarely glanced down at the pages. Facing her, I knelt beside her chair and turned the page. I spoke the lines, the words – one by one – loud and clear for her to hear.

Then I stopped reading because a single tear rolled down my mother's face, and just as a beam of sunlight breaks through the thickest cloud and casts a faint ray of sunshine to the earth below, my mother smiled. Momentarily, her eyes twinkled with the lit pilot light of memory in her eyes and the edges of her lips turned up in the faintest smile. I saw another tear cascade down her face before her lips fell straight again.

"Mom," I choked as she looked at me in confusion. "It's me, Ethan." I grabbed her fragile hand and kissed it. Without letting go, I closed my eyes and whispered again for my father to help me.

"Mom, it's time. You have to let go now. Dad's waiting on you. He misses you. We...we will all be okay if you leave. Just go Mom. You don't belong here any longer." Another tear fell from her cheek and onto the dull colors of her cotton gown.

She laid her other hand on top on mine and squeezed. A few minutes lapsed as we just looking at each other in silence. My knees were growing weak and uncomfortable.

She turned to look back out at the roses and I slowly stood. "Goodbye Mother, I love you." I leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

She fixated on me again and her head leaned to the side mimicking a puppy. "You know what, Mister. That story of yours...it sounds like something my Edward would love to hear. He's..." Her voice faint and her vision drifting to look back out the window.

My chest constricted when I heard her speak his name, it meant so much to me. Maybe I had gotten through to her somehow. Somewhere in her uncontrollable vortex of memories, she grabbed a hold and held on to the one memory that mattered. She remembered him. "Yes?" I whispered, trying to egg on her train of thought.

"He is coming to get me, my Edward. He'll be here soon. Would you mind waiting with me until he arrives?"

"I'd love to Mrs. Cullen." I reached over and slid a chair over next to hers. Her hand still in mine. My mind running a thousand miles a minute, while hers was focused and fixed on one thing, her Edward. She nodded her head once toward the window.

"I'll wait as long as you need me to Bella. Your Edward, he will be here soon. I promise."

**~**V**~**

_Life has to end, love doesn't. _

_~ Mitch Albom_

**~**V**~**

* * *

**Irritable Grizzzly owns me. AFTER I finished this, she went through & beta'd it all! **

**This idea came from a certain movie based on a certain book wrote by a certain author...**

* * *

**"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions." ****~James Michener**

_Today it has been exactly a year since I joined the fantastic world of fanfiction! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME! _

_Wow!_

_So ... that's it. _

_I never thought this would be such a roller coaster ride, but it was worth every dip and turn (& I effin LOVE roller coasters!)! Thanks for reading/fav-ing/alerting & reviewing._

_Will there be outtakes? Maybe. We'll see! _

_I'm sorry I haven't done a good job with review replies. I suck._

_I said once that I feel like every reader of mine - is like my friend. Whether we actually talk or not. This story was an extension of myself that I shared. I'm sad b/c part of me feels I'm moving away from all my friends, even though you're still right there. I hope you'ill at least put me on alert & we can do this again sometime. _

_I just know that I have loved writing this & so many of you have review/PM/tweeted/GChat -ed me about how you felt about this story. I set out to write something REAL laced with so many emotions you could feel it. I hope I accomplished my goal. Your encouragements meant more to me that I can express (when I read my writing, I still don't like it.)_

_I'm always around to shoot the shit & I wouldn't object to doing a colab w/someone sometime._

_Twitter: Mrs_Robward_

_GChat: mrs . robward (remove spacing)_

_Thanks again, I'm humbled by YOU taking time out of YOUR busy schedule to read Almost Doesn't Count. _

_Love & Already Miss You, ~Stacy_

**~Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Dr Suess**


	19. FfP outtake, No More Sadness

_This outtake was donated to Fandom for Preemies. We raised over $5k! The information can be found here: _

_http: / fandomforpreemies . blogspot . com_

_I have added parts of the posted epilogue so you will know where this would fall into the story line._

_I am honored to have contributed to this compilation. _

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_Maybe a tissue warning? _

_More notes at the end. _

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**"When you look into your mother's eyes, ****you know that is the purest love you can find on this earth." **

**~ Mitch Albom **

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_**~Excerpt: Almost Doesn't Count, Epilogue, Part 1**_

_**Bella~**_

_His arms wound around me, as I nuzzled his neck and smiled, knowing how much my second gift would really make his day._

_"I love you too. Now open this one." I tucked my lips together under my teeth so my smile would not break my face in half._

_He slowly removed the taped yellow paper and laid it on the table. I wanted to fuss at him to hurry up but I didn't, even though the anticipation was killing me!_

_He lifted the lid and piece by piece he pulled back the thin tissue paper. I found myself leaning forward and trying to peek inside the small rectangle box and I already knew what was in it!_

_His hands froze as he pulled away the last folded piece of paper._

_"Bella?" he said aloud but his voice cut out._

_I turned in his lap to whisper in his ear, "It says 'positive'."_

_"Bella?" His voice was louder now. "You're not shittin' me, are you?"_

_I slowly shook my head._

_Suddenly, he jumped up with the pregnancy test still in his hand and spun us around with his arms wrapped around me. Then he quickly put me down and murmured, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."_

_He dropped to his knees and kissed my stomach over and over. I ran my fingers through his hair and held his head close to my belly._

_He looked up at me and his eyes sparkled with tears as they pooled against his green irises. "Really?" He whispered in awe._

_"Yes," I nodded my head, trying not to cry, "but just barely." _

I knew all too well that some things in life weren't for certain, things like the weather, the stock market, and your health. Even being a women for some meant the sureness and ease of pregnancy and labor, but not for me. For some unknown reason, that just didn't seem to be in my cards.

When I showed Edward my positive pee stick three weeks ago, on our second anniversary, I knew I was gambling with fate and I knew better. I should've never told him until those first fragile months had passed, but I took my chances anyway and I lost.

I was eleven weeks when I miscarried.

Now I felt hollow. Incomplete.

But more so than the emptiness that spiraled deep within my soul, was the sorrow I harbored for Edward.

You'd think I'd be a pro at this since I'd done it once before.

Then, when I was pregnant, I'd hoped that Asher was going to be the saving grace for my marriage, forcing Mike and I to bond in way that would put our rocky past behind us and move forward. But when I lost Asher, I felt like I was the only who was hurting. My thoughts were soon confirmed, Mike never really cared.

Losing Edward's baby was so much more heartbreaking. It was something that I hoped I could give him – the perfect blend of him and myself, a true union of two souls. And I had failed. My body couldn't hold up to the task and I doubted I ever would be able to do so.

Or that I even wanted to try again.

That truth was hard to swallow.

We'd talked about our options, adopting again or maybe even being foster parents, and I wasn't against either one. I just couldn't get over the consuming need to bear my own child, our child. That longing was rooted deep within me.

I wanted it more than anything.

It was the only wish in my life that hadn't come true yet.

Every time I saw the sadness lingering in Edward's eyes or the anguish in his brow, I broke all over again. I wanted to be able to erase his pain, not add to it.

The way he looked at me, it was like he knew of the storm of emotions that I kept bottled up, _and God bless his soul_, he'd just hold me. He wrapped me tight against him and let me cry until my tears were dry and I lost my voice. Many nights, we'd fall asleep that way, his shirt fisted in my hands and wet with my sobs. He tried to soothe me and promised me over and over that everything would be all right, but I just didn't know how I'd ever be able to fill that newly formed sunken pit in my soul.

I tried my best to hold myself together, especially around Ethan. He was too young to understand. After the first time he asked me why I was crying, his bottom lip pouted out, and his own tears pooled in his eyes, I vowed to not let him see me sad anymore.

He'd crawl up in my lap and twirl his tiny fingers in my hair. He'd rest his head on my chest and I'd let my sorrow melt away, along with the rest of the world. I'd live in the moment, I'd squeeze him a little too tight and he'd squirm to get loose. Then I'd close my eyes and pray. I'd pray that if this was as good as it gets, if Ethan was the only child Edward and I ever had, that I'd accept it. That I'd even be happy about it. That I'd never feel regret, or bitterness, or remorse. That someday soon, I'd smile again at the sun and let it warm me from the inside out and my heart would be so full of joy, that I wondered if it might burst into a million pieces.

It'd been sixteen weeks since 'that day.' We were staying in Forks with Carlisle for a few weeks, and Emmett and Rose were coming into town to celebrate Carlisle's birthday. We hadn't seen Rose or Em in over a year. They were married and living in Chicago. We were all just so busy with life. I talked to her after 'it' happened, she offered to come and stay with me if I needed her to. I told her the truth, I didn't need her – I had Edward and Ethan and they were all I needed.

This morning I'd woken up to another bed sheet ruined with my blood. My stupid broken body couldn't figure out what in the hell it was doing. Some days I bled so bad and the pain was so crippling that I was confined to lying around with a heating pad on my lower stomach.

The bleeding was never predictable, and just after I'd have a few good days and be relieved that it seemed to be finally over, it'd start all over again.

Edward would give me that look, the one where he wanted to scold me because I hadn't yet called the specialist that Carlisle said I should go and see. The look that warned me if I didn't make the call, he was going to. The look that simply meant he loved me and wanted to see me get better.

After showering and stripping the sheets, I pulled the card from my wallet and my cell from my purse and I called. I had an appointment in a month. Honestly, I was putting it off for four more weeks hoping that between now and then, I'd be able to cancel because I was... better.

Two hours later, Ethan came running past me in the kitchen. "Em! Em!" He shouted as he slid across the tile floor in his sock feet.

I laughed and followed him into the foyer. I stood back in the entry way and watched as Edward opened the door. He hugged Emmett and then Em stepped to the side and Rose came into view. Her arms slowly rose to hug Edward, but suddenly my world stopped spinning.

She was pregnant. Very, very pregnant. Her beautiful, round stomach protruded forward so much, I wondered how she could even walk.

_I didn't know... and every one must have kept it from me._

I wanted to congratulate her, and rub her tummy, and giggle as I felt the baby kick my hand. I didn't want to hate her like I did at that second. I didn't want to retreat to my bed and close my eyes and wish away the pain. I wanted what she had.

Then inside my soul, my flood gates opened up and I was drowning.

I couldn't break down in front of them. I didn't want the pity that they were already giving me. I had to do this. I couldn't avoid perfect, healthy, pregnant women the rest of my life.

So I did just that, I pretended all damn day that I was so happy for them two. I gushed and goo-ed at everything they said. I let a tear fall when they hugged me and apologized for mine and Edward's loss. I smiled and laughed when I thought I should and I held Ethan every chance I could. He was the best defense of them all.

When they finally retreated to their room that night, I let myself succumb to the darkness. Not the one that was brought on by the setting of the sun. The one engulfed my heart and made me ache in every crevice of my soul.

The darkness that I couldn't escape from.

* o0o0o0 *

The grass was soft under my feet. It reminded me of that first time I met Esme in Forks. And the sky wasn't as blue as I remember, it was somehow much more colorful. The reds clung to the edge of the horizon and the purples meshed with the yellows and it took my breath away.

I felt the sun on my bare skin. It was warm and it almost tickled as the golden light shown down on me.

The smell in the air, I couldn't place what it was. The only way I could describe it was that it smelled like love and happiness.

I looked around and I appeared to be alone, but I didn't feel apprehensive. I was comfortable and at ease.

The grass rolled on as far as I could see. It dipped and rose into small hills and valleys, and the landscape seemed to smile at me.

There was a peaceful, steady breeze that sometimes rippled the grass and made my hair swirl. I noticed one lone tree that had a small shadow swaying under it. It was too far way to make any of it out clearly, even after cupping my hands over my brow to shield the light, it was still out of focus. I raised my hand and waved.

Nothing.

I noticed there were red dots in the far away tree, but I couldn't see the details. Was it apples? I decided to walk toward the tree and get a better view. Yet, as I walked the tree seemed to move father away. I took off in a sprint and I noticed how the green under my feet blurred, but I wasn't getting any closer.

Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and I heard giggles. Loud ones. Laughs so loud, that it vibrated through my bones and tickled my ribs.

I stopped running and began to chuckle too. These giggles were contagious. I fell down to the velvety grass and wrapped my arms around myself as I bent over with amusement.

Then, I saw him. He was beautiful. His blonde hair glowed against the colorful backdrop and the light of the sun burst out from behind him. He looked to be about eight years old and he had on a white button up shirt and white shorts. His shirt was neatly pressed and tucked perfectly into his shorts. As he got closer his eyes were so blue, that I gasped. The sparse clouds overhead reflected in his eyes, and I swore I was looking straight into Heaven.

When he was almost close enough to touch, I felt another presence beside me. I quickly turned my head to the opposite direction and there was another boy standing beside me. He was maybe a year younger than the blonde-haired one. He was dressed the same, but he looked different. His eyes made the grass I was sitting on look dull in comparison and the vibrancy of his hair put the reds in the sky to shame.

I looked back and forth to the two boys who were now standing on each side of me, and I felt contentment. There wasn't a trace of sorrow or anguish anywhere in this place.

Then they both touched me, their hands gently laying on my bare forearms. I closed my eyes and somehow I just knew. I knew who these two boys were and the joy and love that flooded through me made me laugh again.

_Angels._

Asher sunk to his knees beside me. "Hello Mama," he said, although his lips never moved.

So I spoke to him through my mind as well."Hello baby. I've missed you. Mama misses you everyday." I ran my fingers through his blonde hair. I wanted to embrace him, to curl him up in my arms and ever let him go.

Then, the other boy's voice ran through my mind, and I turned to face him. He looked so much like Edward, that joyous tears stung my eyes. "Hello Mama." His sweet voice was like a lullaby to my soul.

I reached up and cupped his cheek. "You look so much like your father. You're so handsome." I thought. "I've missed you both, so much."

Even though only in spirit, these two boys were a part of me. I loved them as though they had been with me all along. I always had loved them.

I held each one of their hands and we laid back on the grass. "Luke," the name lingered in my mind and I looked over at the child with the auburn hair. "You were going to name me Luke." He smiled.

"You're right. Luke, it means bringer of light. It's perfect for you." I silently said.

Then I spoke the words aloud for everything around me to hear; the clouds, the grass, the sky, and the single tree with the red dots and the shadow underneath it, "I wish Edward and Ethan were here."

Then Asher and Luke snickered and whispered in harmony, "Someday."

The thought didn't scare me, if anything it gave me something to look forward too.

I never wanted to leave this place. The completeness I was experiencing and the healing of my wounded spirit made me feel so fulfilled...

It was paradise.

Asher sat up and the light around him began to dim. "You have to go back."

Luke followed, hovering over me as he sat on his knees in the grass. "They need you. This needs you," he placed his small, warm hand on my empty stomach.

Then I felt a flutter inside me, it was like a flip of a pancake or a tumble of a bouncy ball.

The boys covered their mouths as they giggled and I couldn't help but laugh along with them.

"Really?" I thought as I put my hand on my belly, that maybe wasn't so empty anymore.

"This time, it's good." Luke thought and his eyes twinkled.

"Don't be sad anymore, Mama. We're always with you. Right here." Both boys placed their hands on my heart that was beating rapidly.

I nodded and put my hands over theirs. "Never again," I thought.

"This is from Meme," Asher thought as he handed me the most beautiful red rose I'd ever seen.

"Esme?" I said aloud.

The boys turned to look at the figure under the tree. I could now see her hair blowing with the gentle breeze, she wasn't just a shadow.

Then her small hand raised up and her fingers wiggled at me.

"Esme." I choked out again.

She hovered in the distance, not coming closer, just watching us. I just knew she was there. She'd always been there and I figured, she always would be.

I watched as the boys began to run and play around me. I still heard their thoughts as they played and fell to the soft ground and rose again to continue.

"Meme plays with us everyday."

"She's beautiful like you."

"Roses are her favorite."

"She says she can't wait til Pops gets here."

They ran around for what had to be hours, but the sun never moved from it's hanger in the sky.

I was still holding the rose in my hand. I noticed the stem had no thorns, just magnificent, delicate petals and the vibrant red was staining my fingertips.

Luke ran over to me and touched the flower as it laid in my palm. It fluttered against my skin, then I blinked and when I opened my eyes, instead of the rose, a beautiful butterfly rested in my hand. His wings expanded and swayed in my hand. Then he flew, circling us before letting the wind carry him away.

The boys both yawned and then looked from me to Esme and then back to me. "Remember, no more sadness Mama," Asher thought as he touched my hair around my face.

I knew it almost time for me to go, but I still didn't feel sad, I was excited.

"We're always with you and we'll always be." Luke thought.

The sun was now moving at warped speed, it was getting dark so fast I thought I might get lost.

"We'll be waiting." Their voices echoed as the sun moved to hide beyond the rolling countryside.

I could no longer see them, but I still felt their warmth and their love.

Then as faint as a whisper, their melodious voices sang together, "Smile. Love. Live. No more sadness, Mama."

* o0o0o0 *

"Bella? Bella, wake up."

The sunlight glowed through the window and made me squint as I opened my eyes.

"Hey sleeping beauty," Edward leaned over me and his lips were wet against mine. "You feeling any better?"

He sat down on the bed beside me, and tried to tame my hair tangled on my head.

I nodded as I stretched.

"You laughed all night long. Did you have a good dream?"

The events of the past few hours washed over and I smiled again. "I did. It was... perfect."

Edward picked up my hand from the bed and brought it to his pink lips. As he kissed it, I noticed my finger tips were stained red.

I didn't care about reality or dreams.

'No more sadness,' I thought.

Right then and there, I felt something inside my belly flip-flop again, I would have bet my last dollar on it.

I giggled and Edward gave me a funny look. "You wanna give me one of whatever your taking? I mean, just last night after seeing Rose..."

"No. Really. I feel so much better, Edward. I finally feel like everything's going to be all right."

"Hmm? I hope so." He whispered as he settled in beside me on the bed.

"Do we have to get up?" I asked and pulled his arms around me tighter.

"Mama! Daddee! " Ethan shouted as he ran and jumped on the bed with Edward and I.

We all three snuggled together under the covers. Edward tickled Ethan's feet and he screamed and twisted and turned. Then after our sides ached from laughing so much, we all relaxed and cuddled. Ethan reached up and laid his tiny little hand on my cheek, the look on his face was so serious, "No more sadness Mama." Then he grinned and his eyes twinkled.

I closed my eyes and kissed the top of his head as he placed his hand on my maybe-empty-maybe-not belly.

"No, Ethan, no more."

_**Excerpt: A**__**lmost Doesn't Count Epilogue, Part 1**_

_**~Carlisle...**_

_Baby Lillie Grace's cries faded to a whine as they wrapped her up in a pink blanket and handed her to her mother. Edward was standing over Bella, his face reflecting the pure joy he was experiencing. Bella handed him the small, pink bundle and he cradled her close to his body with the protection of a father lion._

_This had been a long time coming for these two kids. Fourteen months ago Bella miscarried again, and she'd all but given up, finally believing what the doctor had told her years ago; she'd never be able to have one of her own. She told me that losing two babies in a lifetime was enough for her, and she couldn't fathom trying again. Truth be told, she and Edward would be quite content with Ethan being their only child._

_After her last miscarriage, she asked me to refer her to a specialist for her inconsistent menstrual cycles. I gave her the name of one of my colleagues and left it at that. Come to find out she got busy at work and didn't go see her until many months later. During her visit she received some news that was hard for her to believe. She was almost twenty weeks pregnant - the critical months already behind her. She was put on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy, just to ensure she could carry to term. I insisted she, Edward, and Ethan come stay with me at the house. Bella had no business traipsing up and down those steps at their apartment. Edward felt bad that he had yet to buy them a home, but life had just gotten too busy._

_"Pops, did you see? Did you see? Lillie's here." Ethan said as he tugged on my hand and then sat down on my lap. Mrs. Cope had just brought him back to the room now that the delivery was over._

_"Yes Ethan. Isn't she beautiful?" I asked. Even though he was almost too big I picked him up and we joined everyone at her bedside._

_"Pops, she is. She's pretty like Mama," Ethan answered._

_Bella must have heard him because she looked up at Ethan and winked. "Ethan why don't you sit here with me on the bed so that Daddy can let Pop's hold Lillie for a minute."_

_And I don't know what it was about holding that little baby girl. Maybe it was that I saw some of Esme in her cute pudgy nose, or maybe it was that I was reminded how long it had been since the boys were this small. But I do know that as I had wondered how I could love another so much, my heart already so full – this tiny miracle crawled inside my soul and my spirit overflowed with tears of happiness._

"**There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. ****The other is as though everything is a miracle." **

**~Albert Einstein**

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A/N: Thanks to Amie & Raquel for pre reading & Andrea for the beta. I used the movies 'What Dreams May Come' and "The Lovely Bones' for inspiration. The thing with the pregnancy-envy, that happened to me (I was the one being hated on) & so did the dream about the roses.

Maybe 2 more outtakes... someday.

I can express how grateful I am for all the love ADC had received since I completed it!

~Stacy

Twitter: Mrs_Robward


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